To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

Huge sympathies, it sounds like you have been going through hell! I completely get where you are coming from, but I agree with people saying to pick your battles for now, tell him to bring a bag, but give your mum some stuff for when he inevitably turns up without it. Otherwise, he will just make it a thing, get vicious, start a whole new argument, and cause additional stress.

You obviously shouldn't have to do it; he is a poor excuse for a human being. It is frustrating when people get away with being crap parents and not carrying any of the load, but ask yourself, is it worth the stress? Each argument spikes our adrenals and can leave us unbalanced for ages afterwards. The more arguments, the more our cortisol levels get out of whack, which can cause long-term health issues. Stress literally kills people.

I would say with sunscreen, you will be the one dealing with sunburned kids when he inevitably forgets the stuff, so ask him to pack it, but give your mum some sunscreen and hats just in case!

But how can she prove that he can’t /wont unless she asks him to provide it

otherwise his argument could be ‘of course I can provide it like all parents can, I use what’s in the bag mother gives me as she is really controlling over brands etc and I was worried than insisting on doing things my way might come across as controlling. If she didn’t want to send the bag why on earth did she do so /didnt she tell me? There would be no sense in me duplicating what she kept doing, even without me asking her to, and carrying two heavy bags around?’

im another one for choosing your battles here. I 100% get the mental load. But actually this is a relatively short term thing. Nappies etc won’t be needed for long (though I can see how it maybe doesn’t feel that way to you now!) and ultimately your child will have their own backpack with their own hat, sunnies, gloves, water, etc). And your child will need to be responsible for it. So actually it might not get you anything long term. Especially as presumably you need to take the bag for your child anyway for nappies/clothes changes for your journey, so it actually doesn’t add much just handing it over.

Sorry for your frustrations.

if you do decide not to hand over the bad try something like this when you drop off (not pick up). ‘I won’t be providing a bag with supplies from next week. Please feel free to rummage thorough this one this week to make a list of the things you need to provide going forwards to make sure you’re prepared’. But then it’s on him you can’t check week by week if he’s got hat / suncream / snacks and you and your child need to deal with the consequences.

Personally l would provide it and utilise it for your benefit at court -obviously making clear his refusal to meet your child’s needs
Him being on the train has nothing to do with it?! I had twins but magically would be able to carry the things they need when travelling by train 🙄

That’s a fair point.

Personally i don't think this is a big problem. There is nothing wrong with providing a bag with some essential items for DC just to make sure they have everything they need for the train journey. Although he should have items such as nappies etc at his house and of course he could take initiative and pack things as well. . If you do bring anything up and you are really fed up just bring it up calmly, its not worth a battle for.

If your child was a bit older, they would be able to take their own necessities to see him but as it is, I think you really need to make sure your child has what they need for the visit. I'm not sure how this is controlling you any more than he would be if you didn't provide the necessities. You are already taking your child to meet him and presumably being available to meet again at the end of the visit.

Try to reframe this, as you making sure that your child has everything they need for the visit, just as you would if they were visiting a different relative for a few hours.
Actually you are the one in control here, as you decide which brand to use and how much stuff to send.

I do understand that you would rather not have any interation with him but that is unavoidable under the circumstances.

Do you think he is able to provide these things. I would potentially provide him one final packed bag with everything and then say he is responsible for topping it up and bringing it with him. He sounds like a complete prick

Can you stop projecting issues with your weird friendships onto OP's thread?

This is the annoying but right thing to do @PurpleJune

You presumably have the bag all yhe time anyway so in many ways easier vs reminding him.... worrying he actually brought the sunscreen etc.

Focus your energy on the big ticket items.

Is there any circumstance in which he would do this for you?

Stop doing it. He’s an adult and a parent. He can behave like one. You are not his assistant.

Yeah, she should absolutely cover all costs in exchange for those riches 🙄She is already massively subsidising him in his share of raising his children. And he is much wealthier. He can cover these very minimal costs while the kids are with him.

No you shouldn't have to do this.

But... With court cases and reading between the lines - awkwardness etc etc then it would be pragmatic to carry on providing a bag.
Don't give him any ammunition.

All the best

You are providing the stuff to support the children so continue to do that.
they might suffer if he hasn’t got it.
find another way to fight your corner.
it all sounds horrible for you.

@PurpleJunein a similar situation I picked up a cheap second bag. Put bum cream, sun cream, hat (that I didn’t mind not using), Calpol and spare outfit in it and left them in it permanent. Then weekly when my DC returned I topped it with nappies and then forgot about it until the following week.

I still felt very pissed off that I had to do it for him (for the sake of our girls) but it did help me in my own mind that I wasn’t handing over my bag every week.

I am 100% in agreement with you open... personally I'd pick up a cheapo rucksack from a charity shop, pack it with a few nappies etc, and a laminated list of what she needs then tell him it's the last time you'll send them with a bag.

Is there a middle ground, @PurpleJune, where you send the bag but tell your ex that X, Y or Z needs replacing in it, so can he do that while he's out with her? For example "I've put suncream on her, but she'll need more while you're out, so you'll have to buy some" or "She's nearly out of wipes/sudocrem, so can you pick up some more today, please" - so your dd has the stuff she needs but he is contributing to it too.

I used to do this stuff with my ex. Social services got involved and said that he needs to supply everything the children need whilst they're in his care (school uniforms, clothes, toothbrushes etc)

I used to drop them off and pick them up as well, until social services told me to stop, as this is his responsibility to pick up and drop off DC on his contact visits.

Now he only sees one of the DC during school holidays when it suits him. I have to send a hairbrush with my DC, because otherwise they come back with their hair matted

That'll show him and the tired, burnt sore hungry children are just acceptable collateral damage. That's sarcasm by the way. It's not fair but you picked a loser so you need to step up and fill in the gaps. It's annoying but it is what it is they didn't pick him you did.

I get your point but I think since he only sees them once a week for a few hours it’s easier than not for you to provide this. It also ensures he actually changes their nappy and applies suncream, if he’s a massively incompetent man-child he might not do this if you don’t spell it out and supply it. I also reckon it’s easier in the sense he’s travelling to see the DC on the train so lugging a bag full of stuff to and from every week isn’t the most practical when he isn’t taking DC back with him.

Really feel for you!
Do you have any line of communication? Can you ask him to start providing them, on the basis he’ll probably say no? And then use it as part of your court case against the 50/50? Play him at his own game?
with DA has the police and courts been involved already? Has your solicitor mentioned about getting a child welfare report done? In Scotland, DA against a parent is seen as abuse against the child and in most cases can mean no contact or only via contact centre if it can be proven that the abuse is still continuing?

In England rhe mother is often accused of parental alienation if she doesn’t actively promote contact and can be threatened with a change of residency in supporting someone going through this now

my sisters ex refused to provide clothing said why should he h pays maintenance-long time controller

That. To be honest that would add to my mental load, as it would mean more communication and more uncertainty.

But the most important thing here is that you're about to go through court proceedings. Choosing to insert more conflict at this point, seems spectacularly poor timing. After all this time, why choose now to throw your toys out of the pram, over a bag of hats, suncream etc that you presumably have to hand?

I wouldn't pick that battle with all the others you have open. It would give me peace of mind knowing she has it.
Is a way to know she will have everything she needs during the visit. Your kid is not going to be in nappies forever, your ex is a dick etc etc.