To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

I'm not sure it's the battle I'd pick. It sounds like he's some way beneath "competent, involved father" and is more at the level of relative babysitting child. From a practical perspective, if he's spending this little time then things like hats and nappies will quickly be the wrong size. And suncream is more likely to get applied if you supply it.

Not unreasonable at all. Why should you have to do this?

@StrawberrySquash Yeah but I think it's just that for the best part of a decade I did everything in that relationship through his weaponised incompetence, and it's yet another way that he just expects me to pick up the slack even after we've split up.

Interestingly, he has often called looking after his own children "babysitting" which gives you an indication of what I'm dealing with 🙄

If he's this irresponsible, I'd likely continue for the sake of your child. Pic your battles. You'll never 'teach him a lesson' by not providing it.

The problem is that if you don't provide these things, will he? It's your child that will be harmed by getting sunburnt or nappy rash.

alternatively why don’t you weaponise this in court to demonstrate his inept parenting skills

Its once a week for a few hours he travels by train does he really need to be carrying nappies, wipes,calpol, change of clothes toys suncream for that. I assume he pays child support. If she was going to his house or he had her 50/50 then id agree but he's basically babysitting for a few hours

I did mention in my OP that there's no issue with him providing these things, as long as I spell them out to him (he's a literal man-child). It's a relic of his control that he still "expects" me to do all this, because I'm a woman and therefore the person who "does this stuff". But if I say "you need to provide X, Y and Z", he will do it begrudgingly. I'm just curious about how other people handle it because I do feel like an a-hole, but I'm also sick of him still controlling me

Morally you’re right as he’s responsible for providing when the kids are with him. If you don’t supply, will he send them home sunburnt and sore from not charging enough?

This.

If he’s paying maintenance with no overnights, I do think you should provide that stuff.

I think you’re right OP, you need to set the tone for your separate parenting.

He’s a parent, and he needs to provide the basics for his child on his parenting time. If you don’t stop now, you’ll be doing it forever more.

Aside from the mental load, there’s also the cost; sun cream, nappies etc all add up, why should you carry the financial burden for everything?

What’s best for the child is to have two competent parents who know the child’s needs and cater to them accordingly. Worst case scenario, he turns up without nappies and has to buy some during his parenting time. Hopefully that will be enough to remind him to bring some next time.

Not a battle I’d choose whist going through court.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be fed up at all! I guess my issue is the general type of father he is - the once a week type - not the non-supply of hats IYSWIM. I also just don't see the point in too much stuff. So buying double sunhats etc feels wasteful.

Without going into massive detail, he pays maintenance, but this doesn't even cover 1/10th of their nursery fees, let alone everything else. My salary is 1/3 of his. He has 0 overnights due to DA and I want to break free from this man, because he's controlling me more now through the children than he ever did in the relationship.

This is honestly the closest to how I feel about it, thank you.

I will always be there for my children at the end of the day, but I think my ex needs to grow up a bit, especially since he's seeking 50/50 😂

So is this about recouping some of what he should be paying? I guess I'd want to fix that in court, but appreciate real life may not work out as satisfactorily.

That’s often the case (CMS not covering nursery) and if he’s a high earner, you might get extra in court. If not, it gets cheaper after the nursery years.

Not providing a bag comes across as petty point-scoring and probably won’t come across well in court.

How is he controlling you if he only sees them a few hours a week?

Firstly you can't break free from him as you have a child together this is the reality people don't think about when they choose who to have kids with. Secondly if you want a simple life for you and your child don't start petty arguments.

@StrawberrySquash Yeah I get what you mean completely. TBH I'll probably still provide hats and have sunscreen on them when they leave for the day, because I care about them, but it's just wanting him to actually acknowledge what children need and taking on some of that mental load

Like I said, there's a lot of background. He's refusing to move out of the family home or let me sell it, knowing full well all my life savings are tied up in it. I can give you a list as long as my arm, but I don't think this is the place. Just trust me when I say he's 100x more controlling since I left him

I think it might be more stressful for you snd more communication with him if you dont provide the bag.

Not providing a bag of essentials - it comes across as petty and your children may suffer.
Withdrawing the bag - if he does provide the essentials, are you going to be nit picking about the brands he choses if they aren't your preferred ones?

I would provide things that are ‘non standard’- so nappies and maybe an emergency change of clothes. Simply because children change nappy size and he won’t necessarily use up a whole bag of each size. Ditto clothes.

Sun cream, wipes, food… all freely available regardless of the individual child’s needs.

Also, providing those items makes you look thoughtful. Providing nothing could be spun as being difficult.

I’m afraid that I’m with PPs who say that he sounds so useless and unreasonable that he probably wouldn’t take proper care of the DC without you supplying the necessary things; I know it’s a pain but your DC need one decent parent.

😂😂😂