To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

Everyone i know who chose to bring innocent children into an abusive relationship. Where fully aware of what was going on but thought the innocent baby would fix everything. It pisses me off if you want to hang around an be spoke to like shit, be hit, threatened and feel like you're walking on eggshells and pretend its OK as he didn't mean it he was just tired, stressed, drunk, I annoyed him, then go for it but I am sick and tired of adults repeatedly putting children in the middle of it

I'm actually quite stunned at the attitude that I'm the one being selfish, that I should "pick my battles" and stop "point scoring". I'm also amazed that the same people are not applying these very rules to my ex, who turns up every week like he's king of the castle and gladly takes the bag he knows that I'll pack for him every week so he doesn't have to bother.

As I've said before and I'll say again - I would do anything for my children, and this has absolutely nothing to do with them. This is a relic of control left over from our relationship which I wish to abolish.

Why? Because she loves her child and wants them taken care of - which bed may or may not to properly without the bag OP provides? Why? Because this is perhaps not the hill to die on in an acrimonious separation

You need to get some better friends.

Many abusive relationships start during pregnancy. It’s well documented.

It's not a hill I'd choose to die on, in honesty. I completely understand your logic, and he should be providing it, of course.

But it's the children who will suffer if he can't be bothered to change a nappy....

I’d maybe provide a bag of stuff as a one off that he can keep at his - so a bottle of suncream, a few changes of clothes that you don’t love, one pack of nappies and wipes and a bottle of calpol and tell him he will need to restock once anything runs out.

💯

If your mum’s doing drop off and collection anyway, you’ll need to pack a bag for her surely?

If the baby is dropped off in a dirty nappy without a sun hat, you can bet he’ll weaponise that.

You sound really stressed and angry, OP, but the sad reality here is that you chose to have children with this man and he will be in your life until the end of time. I wouldn't give him any ammunition against me, and I would point out in court that he won't even provide nappies during contact time. Use it against him.

This. And put it in writing via a text or email that this is now the arrangement.

After reading some of the more considered responses, I'm of a mind to continue supplying the bag because - as you say - it demonstrates how inept this man is as a parent. But I'm still surprised at much of the victim-blaming that excuses bad behaviour from one parent because the other has always picked up the slack. I will always pick up the slack for my children's sake. My point is, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a man who believes himself to be a capable parent to take responsibility for our children once in a while.

It’s not unreasonable. He should be providing what they need during his contact time. But you’re in a war with a man who is going to use everything he can against you, and this isn’t worth your energy.

And it will be pointed out right back, that the mother isn’t prepared to work with the father for the sake of the children. (Not saying this is what I think!)

This.

Just not worth the potential aggro.

Everyone you know who does this? How many dozens of people do you know who do this?
How much research have you done into DV?
Shame on you.

How is the OP petty when she currently does everything for their child and he does nothing? How is it easy for her to provide the bag but not for him who is child-free for the rest of the week who I am sure has more time (and money) to provide the bag of essential items for his own child?

I would give him the bag one more time & tell him moving forward he needs to take care of packing for the childrens needs for the day.

Take a photo of the bag contents & you can use that if you need to instead of writing a list or whateever.

He will step up or not. Absolutely give it a go though - he is using this to further get to you.

Victim blaming at its finest. OP has a non-molestation order against her abusive ex-husband yet the majority of posters seem to be on his side and accusing OP of being petty because it's so easy for her to provide the bag but so difficult for him for some reason.

For the sake of the child.

Are you for real? Where did it say that in any of the OP’s posts!

Often abusive and controlling behaviour only starts in earnest when the woman becomes pregnant. The abusive partner/husband feels safe to do this as it is so much more difficult for a woman to leave an abusive marriage when there are children involved and the woman will often think that it's best to remain in the marriage so she is always there to protect the children.

Your posts are very much 'you made your bed, so lie in in' and are completely lacking in any empathy or kindness towards OP who is a victim of domestic violence.

There’s very little victim blaming, @youalright excepted. Most posters are saying to continue because doing so gives OP the upper hand in court proceedings, for minimal effort. If she sends her mum and the children without the bag, and her mum hands over a kid with a dirty nappy and clothes, don’t you think he’ll use that against her? Is it really worth arguing about in court and paying solicitors fees on?

OP is stuck with this abusive man for the next few decades. He’s highly likely to be awarded more contact time and will need to provide his own consumables then. She needs to focus on the bigger picture.

He shouldn’t need you to provide these items, I agree.

But (!) what’s the alternative? Will he step up or will your child simply return sunburnt, with a rash etc.?

This probably wouldn’t be the hill I’d want to die on. But I have never been in your situation, so… 🤷‍♀️

It would be easier and faster to have a bag on standby than take on a mental load of reminding him every time, worrying whether he will do it and then potentially having to provide it anyway. He is your ex, you don't need to manage him. The bag is for your child, not for him.

But weaponising his incompetence back doesn’t serve the needs of your child, though does it? It’s petty. Just provide a bag (which I assume you have on hand as it’s likely the one you use all week anyway, so not a hassle really) and save your energy for more important battles.