To not provide my ex with a bag of stuff?

[PurpleJune]

Just want to sanity check this, because I'm sure I'm overthinking it.

Ex comes to see DC once a week and is only allowed to see them during the day, so he arrives by train and we meet him at the station. I provide a bag of essentials - nappies, creams, sunscreen, hats etc.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with providing this bag every week for his visits, as he's a grown man and needs to take some responsibility. I'm going to tell him that I won't be providing the bag any longer, and he'll have to bring what he needs for his visits with the DC.

AIBU if I do this? There's no question that he will provide that stuff, it's just we're going through all manner of court proceedings and I know he will weaponise anything and everything I do. The only reason this has continued for so long is that I've always been the organised and responsible one in the relationship, hence why he is my ex!

One small thing you could do is get a bag that he absolutely would not like to carry around and send that each week. If he's one of those macho men who can't have anything feminine, get a pink one covered in flowers and hearts. If that's not an issue, just get an old tacky-looking one. Supply stuff that he won't like, and he may start providing his own!

As you can see on this thread OP, the world is filled with women who don’t expect men to be able to sort their arse from their elbow. Let alone look after their child or not abuse their ex or wife. That is all your responsibility apparently. These women will raise more men like your ex and the cycle will continue with constant excuses for men and women who think the bloke paying a few quid a month towards their child’s care owe their ex or child nothing.

OP I totally understand, I have to provide everything for my 2 children for their weekends with their dad. I also tried to battle with him but ultimately the only people hurt by his incompetence were my children. So I continue to pack their bags, the suncream, sun hats, gloves etc....

It's not right, he needs to be a better parent but if he chooses not to and your child comes home with sunstroke or sunburn, the only people to suffer is you and your child. I decided a long time ago that everything I do is for my children not my ex (and I know I do enable his bad behaviour), so I suck up the annoying things for them. They see it, they know he's useless but he's their dad and for now, they want to see him and so I'll help them do it safely.

This is what my ex said. He doesn't even pay the minimum amount. I just try and stay neutral, the kids know and look forward to the day when contact is no longer required from me.

No, but having gone through (and still going through) a similar experience, a bag of items for their child is not a hill I would die on, especially not when they are going through family court.

I think it’s worth taking this poster’s message on board.

With men like your ex, it’s not a question of how to make things reasonable or fair. It’s a question of weighing up what you can let go in order to make exh think he has control.

If you fight the battle over the bag, then he’ll find something else to control which causes you far more stress. The bag is a macguffin- his core aim is exerting control. Of course he should be providing everything for his parenting time, but I would be tempted to let the bag be the conduit for his controlling abuse in order to protect your sanity.

Don’t give him your favourite bag- just give him a cheap bag with the essentials in. By all means message him to say you are happy for him to provide his own bag, and he needs xyz essentials, but you are happy to go with his choice of brands (so he can’t accuse you of being controlling about it) . However, send a bag of essentials along to handover anyway so the children don’t suffer.

I totally get it, it’s tricky with assholes like this, you’ve got to slyly play them at their own game.

Next time ‘accidentally’ forget the bag.

‘Ah shit, I forgot the bag, I’ll text you a pic of her nappy/size and the sunscreen.’

And leave it at that - don’t go on about it at all, so you’re not making a meal out of.

As far as you’re concerned it’s a given he will do it, and then next time, again no bag and don’t mention anything.

Is he paying the CMS calculated amount? Do you not qualify for state assistance with your childcare costs? You'd have to be quite a high earner yourself not to.

Presume DC is quite young because nappies are mentioned. So probably best for everyone if you just provide the things you've mentioned. It's no different to what you'd pack and take out when you go out with DC yourself, so you've already got it with you when you meet him at the station anyway.

I don't think it's that at all. Both my late husband and my son in law took on those tasks. It's my son in law that packs the bags and delivers my grandkids when I'm doing child care, for instance.

What most of us are saying is that this seems a really weird hill to die on at such a sensitive point, when things are about to go to court. OP has been packing this bag for years, and all of a sudden it's too much, and the one thing that she wants to call him out on, at exactly this point?

Any other time, fine. Absolutely he can make his own preparations for his kids. But now?

Because she does enough for this man who pays a pittance, is withholding her savings, abused her and who even now while going for 50/50 doesn’t spend £5 or think to bring sunscreen for his own child. Her tether is reaching its end and people are saying that he pays maintenance so shouldn’t have to pack a hat for his daughter. They’re saying she’s being petty for wanting him to parent his own child. One even said he’s basically babysitting.

I think this is a battle for after you beat him in court tbh. I totally get where you are coming from and I would feel the same, but if he's pushing for 50/50 I'd probably rather keep this as an example for the court as to how he doesn't step up, rather than him trying to use it to paint himself as responsible and you unreasonable.

But all this stuff about using a pink bag, or pretending to forget it, is just seeking his reaction. It’s pointless. Ultimately this man wants a reaction from her, because it gives more opportunity for conflict.

OP’s sanity and mental health is better protected by continuing with the bag at least until the big issues, like custody and the financial split, are sorted.

I don't think that's what people are saying, they're mostly agreeing but talking about the timing. He's pushing for 50/50 in court but can't even bring a bag of stuff for his kid? Don't interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake, as the saying goes.

This isn’t about the bag really, it’s about all the other things going on around it but it’ll be the children that are impacted if you pick this battle so I’d just not bother.

Apparently clothing at his house should come out of my child support money. And when he looses stuff thats ok because his money paid for it. The couple of quid that is like the 2 loaves and 5 fishes ever increasing.

I do believe men should have to go on a compulsory post separation course, to explain stuff like this to them

OP’s sanity and mental health is better protected by continuing with the bag at least until the big issues, like custody and the financial split, are sorted.

Exactly. If conflict over this bag tips him over to being that much more difficult over the big issues, and the court case swings in his favour would it really have been worth it?

my ex is exactly like yours , you have to choose your battles , I would pack everything for the sake of your child he’s a glorified babysitter who’s probably using the child as access to you , play it buy the book your end so he can’t twist things in court he’s the type to say she didn’t even provide anything whilst I looked after the baby , should he be doing it absolutely but these type of men don’t care or think about anyone else other but themselves

And the trouble is the judges don’t pick up on it either. It makes you look as though you care more about arguing with your ex than the child being provided for everybody knows that’s not true but that is their stance.

It’s not for your ex, it’s for your child. Don’t be that person.

Oh absolutely, sometimes you just have to let them trip themselves up , your abused then abused again off the court system

Personally I would rather my child had everything they needed for the day ahead. I would understand if they were staying overnight or weekends etc but it just own day a week.

Pick you battles

Could you change tack ? Provide him a bag and tell him that is now his bag. And that he needs to bring it every time he sees the kids. And if he runs out of anything he should replace the ite.
It has a hat, change of clothes and suncream and nappies etc and then he tops it up when it needs more if anything. That way you dont need to do it every week but you've been helpful and given him a bag.

I'd probably message him, suggesting that he start bringing a bag with him, and keep the responses. I wouldn't make it my hill to die on, especially as its the children who will suffer for it, but keep any evidence for court. Many of us have been there ... providing clothes etc for ex partners to keep for the occasions they have their children, its not fair, but ultimately its the children who need to come first.

I would continue as you have the LO 90% of the time and know exactly what he will need that day, it’s pathetic yes but saves you from worrying LO is going without something

I would dress them appropriately for the weather and put sun cream on them before he arrives. I would only provide a couple of nappies and wipes in a plastic bag. That way the essentials are covered for the children but you are not catering for him beyond the minimum.