Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

I can’t see inside the OP’s head, obviously, but as someone who consciously has a ‘small life’, I don’t conceptualise ‘small’ as ‘less interesting’ or ‘more restricted’. It just means I can focus on the things I want to focus on, instead of making myself tired or stressed in the service of objectives I don’t give a stuff about. I worked for money for 30 years, and maybe I just never found my vocation, but I was always twisting myself into a shape that didn’t suit me. I’d rather have less money and more freedom. But I completely acknowledge that this only works if you have a base level of financial security (which is why I worked for money for 30 years!)

Thanks for your perspective. Interestingly I think I characterised it that way because I actually prefer the ‘small life’ overall, but feel
guilty that I am not earning or living up to societal expectations. And have been listening to podcasts that encourage people to get out of your comfort zone etc.

Agree @PacificState. People say “Oh I’d be soo bored as a SAHM” forget that many jobs are boring a lot of the time too. Even the “career” jobs. If you’re not working you can choose what to do with your time (around domestic/kid responsibilities), it can be less boring and more varied than many jobs are.

That said, I still think OP should give it a go. She won’t know which life she enjoys more unless she tries. And in her case it sounds like the money would make a big difference to her.

I would pick option 1 because of your 7 year old. If you can, so many people can’t do that financially , but if you can I don’t think you’ll look back and regret it especially as your pension is up to date. Part time even better, keep looking for that option. If you are very career minded then probably you wouldn’t be asking this question.

I chose option 1. I felt like it was a smaller life than I would have had working. I was a little wistful for the path not taken.

But I didn’t regret my choice. I didn’t want there to be the slightest chance that I might not be what my children needed when they were young. I wanted to be in control of everything about them. I knew I would regret it terribly if it turned out somehow that they had slipped between the cracks in some way without my realising.

In my experience, putting in as much time as possible with my children when they were younger meant they had good self-esteem and were pretty easy once they were older.

(I didn’t try a different way so I can’t compare it to anything.)

Plus there was plenty to enjoy. I liked my freedom and autonomy. I liked my children. I was pretty busy. And we were well-off, so that wasn’t a factor.

Now I’m an empty nester I’m scratching around a bit to know what to do, even though I have lots of interests. I’m not in the loop of a career. But I only have myself to blame - I’m sure I could get a job of some sort of I actually wanted it enough.

Is there not a middle ground available to work park time?

I live option 2 - single parent, very stressful job in London but also get some great experiences like travel / meeting interesting people / learning new skills etc. Though I find the juggle horrendous as it's just me running the home & parenting. I can however afford a cleaner etc

I would go for option 1 if I could, it sounds lovely! If I could have a smaller life I would. I worry im not able to give my daughter enough time / attention as we are always rushing around, and I love those times when we get to just potter

But like people have said - is there a middle ground? Lots of people seem to have part time jobs, share load with OH...

Yes this! Being in high powered meetings might look glam and purposeful but it's quite dull and you are always forced to follow your company's agenda/ timing / goals etc. Being a SAHP gives you the automy to run your day how you want (assuming you are financially secure, which us sounds like you are, and have a good partnership with your OH)

That would be my ideal for sure, if I could find a part-time job.

Someone a lot older and wiser than me told me once when I was pondering a job move

“it’s a job, you are not being sold into slavery”

Try it. If you don’t like it you leave.

Wait till kids are in secondary so less more independent and less stress on you? Then get FT job?

What is your profession?

Event management

Get the job , start paying into a pension.

Why not consider part-time work until you feel you'd like to take on a more full-time position? Win-win: you get to achieve a sense of 'purpose', you have more money in your pocket and you still have time to do things you like on days/ hours out of work.

Why not consider part-time work

OP on page 1 has answered that: "I would love that but have been looking for a PT job for a long time to no avail."

Tricky choice! I choose the middle ground and worked part time/freelance for 15 years (I have 3 kids and the yongest is now in Year8). I enjoyed my time with the kids and end of primary are lovely years in a child' life. However, now I am still freelancing and applied for lots of permanent jobs and did not get any, probably because I was not on a "career track" for many years and my people management experience is now dated. It is a hard choice! Tell yourself that you won't have a perfect life in any case, but make a choice that feels right dor you.

I can understand that part-time work can be preferable for some people. But I find it a bit discouraging that women are often advised to work part time, whereas men very rarely receive that advice. Women's careers still tend to be seen as optional, but men's are viewed as essential.

It never occurred to me to give up full-time work. The same is true for my DH. We chose careers that offer a certain degree of freedom and flexibility, which has definitely helped make our work/life balance easier. But my career is as important as his.

Plus it sort of makes me laugh at people throwing around part time work like it’s the silver bullet, it’s usually pretty difficult to keep a career well established part time. It depends on the industry of course, but part time work in my sector was like hen’s teeth back when I was considering it.

Part time for me would be the worst of both worlds, not the best.
Depending on the job it's often same workload for less money. But also you are seen as not so committed, not so interested in your career, missing out on opportunities.
At the same time, while husband continues his career unencumbered, you are of course responsible for the majority of childcare, sick days, housework, any errands, mental load etc etc - you only work part time. What's best about that?

It’s irrelevant anyway. In this job market part time roles are like hens teeth.

Yes, this has been my experience. Have applied for lots of part-time roles, but not had any success.

My friends and I are all recent empty-nesters. To my shock, three are getting divorced now. It’s been stressful for all. They will all
end up ok ish in the end but the one that doesn’t work is doing so much worse than the other two. Feeling adrift, panicky, worried financially etc. Also even two other friends (not divorcing) who never worked have started to resent their husbands.

OP congrats on the job! Esp in this climate. Take the job.

Life is so expensive. Adults kids will
be so grateful for help with driving lessons, uni costs, house deposits etc. I am so so glad I continued in my career. I still attended every school event and am there for my kids when needed and we are v close. And we have the finances to help them. No regrets.

yep. I am happily married and celebrated our silver wedding last year. I am not naive though. We could split up or my husband could die. At least I know I could support myself financially which would be one less thing to worry about during the heartbreak and stress.

Yep.

And it’s like some women have never heard of the gender pay gap.