Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

Job and after a while submit a flexible working request if too much.

Thanks everyone for your (varied!) input. I will give the job I go, and try to remember that it doesn’t need to be forever if not working out.

Good luck with the job.

How about medium sized life that achieves a balance between relaxation, pleasure and autonomy; and purpose, structure and stimulation? SAHM with a part time job or a challenging volunteer role? Full time job at a manageable level so you can perform it without it requiring excessive hours or exhausting you?

Good luck! Hope you smash it.

I once read a piece of advice that I think about a lot: ‘when you can’t decide between two options, choose the one that feels most expansive’ — as in, the one that forces your experience outwards, or the one that is more challenging, or that scares you more. I don’t often take this advice myself 😂 but it feels wise to me.

The job market is dire, you’ve done really well to get back in I’d give it a shot.
Read about all the women on here who sacrifice their career and pension to stay at home and then their DH divorced them and leaves them with very little money / security and job prospects when out the market for years.
If you get on well in the job there may be scope to reduce hours down the line.

Yeah, you don't see many dads wringing their hands about it, do you?

Yes, although there's nothing with working part time either. I think it depends on your field of work. In my field (education), you can keep your hand in quite easily and then go back full time when the time is right. I personally think it's worth sacrificing some financial security and pension for a less stressful and busy life with kids for the small risk of your husband running off and taking everything with him.

Then again full time teaching absolutely killed my mental health so it's easy for me to say.

I'd go for the job if the 10 year old was confident and had good independence skills. Starting high school can be very challenging emotionally for some children. There's also no wrap around care or holiday clubs for high school children in most areas so if your 10 year old is year 6, you would need to consider if by September he is going to be ready to get himself to and from school, letting himself in the home and spending long periods alone during the holidays.

The next ten years will fly by, trust me! And then what?

What will you do if you have been out of the workforce for almost 20 years? Have no up to date experience and are significantly older than people who have that experience? How will you have a decent retirement?

Take the job, better that 10 years fly by with money in the bank and a growing pension, not least because you will be in a better position to help once your kids are looking at Uni etc.

Life is not just about your financial contribution, raising children is just as valuable.

How much financially would you actually gain by going back into the rat race. I can tell you now it is nothing like what it was then. We used to be respected, have fun doing our jobs and, still managed a home life. That is gone.

At 7 and 10 your children are still of an age now that they will be impacted and probably more so than when at a younger age i.e. they are used to having their Mother there. I expect to get slaughtered for that comment.

If the financial gain is minimal then why bother. By your own admission you can at times get overwhelmed in a work environment. That clearly does not play to your strengths. Staying at home clearly does. All you need to do is find another outlet for the energy you now have spare.

If you are happy within your marriage and, there is a clear pension contribution for you within it somehow, then take a step back and look at other options that play to your strengths.

You sound a tad bored and I absolutely get it, having retired only 18 months ago. Would I go back to Corporate life, absolutely not. Maybe do another post and ask for suggestions.

x

hopefully your dh did half the birthing of the children, half the breastfeeding, half the childrearing, etc.

I think it's much easier to switch to part-time once you're in a role. no guarantees you'll be able to make it happen but once you've started you'll be able to really tell where the flexibility is/could you do 4day/week or compressed hours.

and i totally got what you meant about small life - i've been a SAHP and i also had a short time not working when my youngest was 15. i enjoyed lots of aspects of it but did also find that i became slightly obsessive about random crap because my brain needs to be filled up... i don't love working (or my current job) but i think for me it is the better option overall.

Surely even if you are working then you are also raising children?

I did 2 - burnt out in 40s so chose 1 - never looked back!
Try 2 or 3 days a week part time??

Fo you actually have a job offer or is this hypothetical?

Taking the job is the right decision in my opinion.

Perhaps you could do it for a bit and then request part time hours if that would suit you better?

I’m back full time now (my youngest is 8) and loving it.

good luck! 😊

Yes, have a job offer

I went back in FT when mine were 2 and 5 and it was way too early for me personally (no judgement on others I just got overwhelmed and exhausted) so I left after 6 months and found a PT job instead. But no regrets. The choice to go FT made me realise I couldn’t realistically manage what each day was expecting from me. Now they’re older I’ve worked my hours up to FT gradually and it’s way more manageable. Give it a go. Worst case scenario you say ‘maybe this isn’t for me’.

Thanks for this perspective. What ages are your DC now?

Can you freelance? Works for me. I WFH about 20 hours, fit in exercise and the odd coffee, cover all child-related stuff and run the home.

Option 2. The children will grow up and you’ll be bored with no career.

I've been mulling over this thread since yesterday. I feel quite strongly that if you're even considering FT work and think you'd like the job, you should do it. So many of us were keen to tell you you needed to find a halfway house or live what you called a 'small life'. If that's how you see not working FT then I think you have your answer. It's not for everyone but it seems to me that it is the right thing for you. A man would never be told he should opt for a 'small life' and be happy with it ('because DC need their father around'... can you imagine!!??).

@mambojambodothetango I think this is very true. The way OP labelled the two options gives a lot away about how she’s feeling about them.