Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

I have had the "small" life. Plenty of times when I've cringed when people ask me what I do. It is a sacrifice in terms of feeling traditionally "successful". There have been moments where I've missed my career, or wondered whether my degree was "worth it". But on balance, I wouldn't trade it. I've had years of the most amazing long summer holidays of noodling about with my kids, got to every play and sports day, never had to worry about who will take care of them if school's closed / they're ill etc and as they've got older, I'm there when they walk in the door and download about friendship issues etc. I have had time to volunteer at causes I care about, to go to the gym, see friends etc and spend time with much loved family members who are now no longer here.

I trust my husband and know that we have been paying into a pension for me too so that my long-term financial wellbeing is covered. And truthfully when our children were younger I trusted that I would lawyer up and fight for my share if he did let me down.

Honestly, what someone said upthread about it being impossible to choose without feeling like you're missing out on something is true. Whichever one you pick, you'll notice the lack of the other. But both will have their joys, I hope.

Your kids had you when it was really important - when they were little. They're not any more. It might be a good time to get back in, if you can manage the stress.

I would definitely choose the job and financial independence. You can always go back to being a SAHM if you don't like the job, so why not give it a go?

I work part time and find it’s a good balance for kids of that age and above - I’ve tried full time and hated it (but I’m a single parent of 3 kids with ALN needs). In your situation I’d try the full time job- you’ve got nothing to lose!

I was a SAHM for several years and by the end of it I was dying to get back to work. Now I’m nearing retirement I can see what a financial hit that time off was. So if I were you, with kids of that age, I’d be going back to work.

Start full time then after say 6 months request to go part time if you start to feel it's too much of a stretch.

To be fair I’ve had the same experience simply by WFH and owning my diary! I think people try to reduce working vs SAHM as if it’s picnics and easy life vs 6-6 long days, suits and Nannies, reducing both to a Hollywood film.

Pension is currently abysmal because of being a SAHM for 7 years.

It is a career job - going in at about the same level as I was 7 years ago, which until I got offered the job, seemed like a pipe dream.

This makes the most sense.

I've you gave been a sahm for 10 years since the eldest was born and now got a decent job offer go for it

It's easier to give up a job if you hate it than get one if you needit

If your kids are 7 and 10, they're at school so you're not a SAHM, you're just not working or a housewife. I would pick intellectual stimulation, financial independence and making a contribution to society every day of the week over fannying about at home pretending to be busy with dusting.

Honestly I wouldn’t hesitate. What have you got to lose? Give it a go, if you don’t like it you can try to negotiate hours or worst case be back exactly where you are now? You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain if you enjoy the career and financial freedom.

‘Small’ lives are lived and enjoyed by many people.

And I enjoy mine now! There’s a lot to be said for not participating in the rat race, hence my dilemma. As above, probably a bad choice of words on my part.

Everyone is different but I love working. I could never be a SAHM.

Go for the job. A less full-on option might be better, but see how it goes. You can always leave if it gets too much, but sounds like a rare opportunity to go back in at that level. You might also be able to go part time in future.

I’ve tried option 1. I really struggled. There was no real financial reason for me to go back, but I needed to have my own stuff going on outside of home and the kids.

My only doubt would be that given the kids ages, the next 4 years are much harder logistically, as in secondary they take themselves around much more. Any chance you can go for something less challenging at the moment?

I really think you should try out option 2, even just for 6-12 months. If it turns into a stressful nightmare you can always go back to option 1. You could also possibly negotiate reduced hours or flexible working after a year or two of full time.

Also, given your pension isn’t great it would be nice to add to it; you never know what the future holds, so getting back into the workforce, upskilling, having your own money could be so beneficial.

Plus with the job market currently dire, being offered a role like this seems to be a blessing.

I can understand your reluctance - if you have been out of the workforce for a few years, it can be daunting going back, but you might really enjoy it once you get into the swing of things.

Plus your children are old enough to adapt.

Sorry I disagree. Of course OP is a SAHM mum just like mums who work with similar age children are working mums. Mums or dads for that matter who SAHM are still contributing to society. To call someone who’s SAHM just not working or just a housewife is quite derogatory.

I can see your dilemma however go for option 1 until the children are at secondary school. Eliminates the need for childcare etc.

A

B sounds like it could become a stressy nightmare - unless of course they would take you 3 or 4 days per week instead? Worth a try?

And make it way more unlikely that someone that long out of the workplace gets hired at her pre-child level? Not a chance.

Mine were 11 & 7 when I went back to work, but only part time. Yes it ruined any career trajectory I might have had (to be honest, probably not much in the role I was doing when I left) but I have no regrets at all; it was a privilege to be there for them. We might not be the wealthiest or have the biggest house or newest car but we are ok.

Agree with you very much

My choice would be small life all the way, if I had a choice. I am not built for "fast paced environment".

I assumed your DCs were toddlers so was going to suggest 1 but at those ages I’d be chomping at the bit to get back to work.

If you genuinely can’t find PT work then I’d definitely take option 2.

The worst thing that’s going to happen is that you’ll struggle and need to reduce your hours or quit but you won’t be any worse off for trying.

I guess it depends on you as a person though.
I love working.
I love being a parent but hate feeling like a maid and not having my own purpose, so for me I would really struggle being just a mum.

Buy if you enjoy it and don’t want to stop being a housewife and your DH is ok with it, then you could look into doing something like online studying to improve your chances of getting a career in the future.

The job market isn’t easy, especially for those over a certain age and with little recent experience.
I would really worry about being in such a vulnerable position as if your DH left you, you would really struggle.

Why haven’t you been paying into a pension?