Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

This would be my point. You can't rely on anyone but yourself. Choose financial independence every time.

You're not describing a small life vs a big life. What you're really describing is a life where you're entirely financially dependent on your husband vs one where you aren't. If your kids were younger I would say you should stay off but given their ages you should go back. The more time you take off the harder it is to go back to work so unless you're never planning to work again you should take the job even if you only plan to keep it for a year or so then decide to take more time off.

In terms of pension you should have been paying into something privately using your husbands salary whilst you've been off.

I can assure I’m not. Just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean I don’t. Ok they’re not as you’ve described but they do work extremely long hours, do regularly travel internationally with work and rely heavily on a live in nanny and household PA to run things.

they are 7 and 10...do you homeschool yours?

Why does A have to feel like you are aimlessly drifting? You could do very part time work to keep your CV active or very meaningful voluntary work that is very impactful. It is such a privilege to have the option not to work, I definitely should not go into FT employment if I didn't have to with young DC, the stress around childcare and dinner/bath/homework/extra currics just wouldn't be worth it for me.

Oh come on, how often is that actually happening? That is a fringe case that has no value to a discussion like this. It’s like me saying SAHMs are just lazy, they just watch TV all day, don’t actually care about the kids just don’t want to work and keep popping them out so they don’t have to. I’m sure there are a some people like that, but they won’t be reflective of most SAHPs.

I’d have a hard job, given their adults that have flown the nest.

I’ve gone from one to the other and actually found quite enjoyed returning to work, although now work part time and find is best of both worlds

For me, big life is what you do outside of work in society etc. I would take the job if you can. We all have to fight against our world shrinking

ah but you did then, if you think a mother of a 7 and 10yo should not work

Surely if they’re married any assets accumulated during the marriage are jointly owned, I work part time now but even when I was a SAHM I saw it as a team effort not ‘dependant’ in my husband anymore than he was dependent on me for childcare and everything else that needed doing while he worked

You and me both. Less hassle, less stress with no regrets.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t work, comes down to personal choice. Personally I’d choose not to. OP asked what option to choose I replied.

Getting back to your choices OP I’d make a list of pros and cons for each option and see how it pans out.

assets are, but husband's career progression and OPs career break results are just theirs, respectively. And husband can decide to stop sharing his salary at any time

@EmmaStone has said just what I came to say (minus the personal bits). I enjoyed my years at home but went back to FT when the kids were about the same age yours are. I had done a couple of years of PT in between, but actually I found that to be the worst of both worlds - I never felt I was making the most of where I was. Once I went back to FT I really enjoyed the sense of purpose, and actually felt more appreciated at home and at work. In fact you will have built such excellent juggling and multi tasking skills you may well find FT work a doddle. Buy as much extra holiday as you can, if that is an option, and wfh when you can.
As the children grew up I felt they respected me, and were interested in what I did. They still lean on me for career advice, and I have lots of funny stories to tell them about my work. I think I'd have felt very left behind if they'd grown up and moved on and I was still at home.
It is sad when the years of them being little come to end, but you can't stop it happening, so make sure the next chapter is fun and challenging too.

OP I think you are actually very unreasonable if you would not take this opportunity.
You said yourself it's a rare pipe dream of a job. May not get this opportunity ever again and the chances will only go down the longer you stay out of the job market.
You also say your life is basic, so you could offer your children a lot more if you had more money - and kids will only get more expensive in their teens. For most of your working hours, they would be in school, so not like you are missing out.
You spend a lot of your time on boring menial tasks, instead you could outsource them and spend your time doing something more interesting.

Seems obvious to me.

Choose the job and pay for a cleaner/gardener etc to help lessen stress. Put into a decent pension. You can always ask for less hours once you've settled.

It sounded to me from your OP that you already have a number of days where you feel a bit adrift and I wonder if you're worried that this will increase as the children get older.

It sounds like an amazing opportunity to get back to the same level you were - I am facing possible redundancy and can see how hard it's going to be to find something else after years in the same (dying) profession.

Presumably once you're in you could ask put in a flexible work request?

Anyway, I felt from your OP that you really wanted to take the job. If so, do it and don't feel guilty - you can be amazing parent and have a full-time job!

Which clearly doesn’t apply to the vast majority of working parents.

Take the job and save for a rainy day fund. Many posters on here tell of being abandoned by their scrote with several kids and no savings, no job, no backup plan.

Take the job.

Never think 'it will never happen to me'. Because every poster with this story said the same thing.

If you want the job then give it a try.

Your choice of language is interesting though, I guess it's all about perspective. I worked full time in a demanding with 2 young kids and my life felt incredibly small/claustrophobic, all I did was work and parent. Now I'm a SAHM and, to me, life feels so much bigger. More time for family, friends, hobbies, volunteering, we can get a dog!

Is it your dream job? If not, why not? More details needed. Could you do compressed hours and a 4 day week? Is it private or government? Is any element of it hybrid?

Could you maybe retrain instead and/or work, or even start your own business?

I suppose it depends what job you’re in, there’s not much of a net gap between the minimum wage and most salaries nowadays, particularly if you end up a single parent with children. In fact when I was a single parent I would have been better off in a lower paid nice local office hours minimum wage job with no commuting costs or paying babysitters to cover shift work. Although now married we are better off with me in my higher paid job but earnings potential isn’t worth giving up a great work life balance to work full time. We’ve always operated on the basis that both our earnings and other money are ours jointly else we would need to start pettily totting up how much time we both spent on housework and childcare and insist that split down the middle which I’m sure DH would say he would find far more tedious!

Option 2. I have a lot of friends who went for Option 1 and now their children are older they seem resentful of their husbands.