Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

Love this, it depends on why you are going back to work full time , I did it to pursue my dream career so it was a wonderful experience in that sense but came at alot of other costs and stress. I now work quite part time (fortunately still in dream career so going full time to establish that was worth it) and gives all of us a far better life than when I was full time

Take the job - easy to go back to being a SAHM if it doesn’t work out for you, harder to get offered another decent full time job.

I’ve seen that happen too and think people have to be honest with themselves as to what they want and not be a martyr, if they have a dream to pursue a certain career and don’t much like being a SAHM then they should go for it, often is is confidence which stops them then they say they sacrificed everything for the DH and kids

I would take the job if it’s like for like. That’s unusual most people have to take (several) steps backwards….

Even if they would be homeless as a result?

Yes he is dependent on you for childcare and housework and yes you're a team right now but if that was ever to change and he divorced you then there is only one member of the team (you) who would be at a significant and potentially lasting disadvantage financially because of the time you've taken off. I'm not bashing SAHM because I was one and I still only work part time but a woman's work as a SAHM enables a man's career whilst potentially ending her own if its for a long period. My husband and I had a rocky patch a few months ago where we seriously considered divorce. It suddenly became very clear to me how buggered I would be financially: not only could I not have supported myself or my children in anything like the life we have now, I would be the one scrambling to find a job which would inevitably pay me far less than he earns now. He would be able to outsource childcare and cleaning (the stuff I had done) but I wouldn't have been able to outsource the stuff he did (bringing in the money). And yes pensions are an asset but in a divorce it would form part of the negotiation. For example, the man may argue he should keep his entire pension if the woman keeps more equity in the house. Or they may agree to split his pension in half but the non-working person would still need to go out and find a way to plug the gap all the way until retirement.

Take the job. Build some savings and a stronger cv that would let you step back if the stress gets too much.

or if you don’t take the job, take on a real voluntary role - the kind where you make a decent contribution to a local organisation. That can also give you purpose and friendships

I do get your point about the potential financial disadvantage in the long term between a single woman having a high paying career or minimum wage job, however it can come at such a cost that means she’s worse off financially and in so many other ways than if she had found a happy medium. I also think any man or woman who thinks they can maintain the same lifestyle divorcing and separating into 2 separate households is deluded. It makes me laugh when I read recently separated women on here complaining that they can’t maintain the same lifestyle for themselves and their children i.e. house in London, cinema every week, holidays etc. Although at the same
time I think you underestimate the support available if you are a single parent on a low income (say that as someone having been there). You also perhaps overestimate how far a man’s income stretches once tax, maintenance etc is paid and when he’s also maintaining a home and time to facilitate shared care, your DH would have to be on an exceptionally high income to pay for cleaners etc on top of all that. The assets are usually split on a fairly even basis so getting to keep the equity in the house in exchange for the equivalent in pension assets is usually not a bad deal at all and such women are usually far better than the total assets they would have built up as a single woman who had children ( even if theoretically they had done 50% shared care and child related expenses with a non resident co parent from birth)