Small life or big life?

[Pufferthemagicjacket]

Two quite different options are available to me right now:

A: Continue to be SAHM. Plenty of time to exercise, keep house, go to appointments, have coffees with friends etc. Some days I feel very lucky, other days feel like I’m aimlessly drifting a bit. Can afford a few “nice to have’s” but lifestyle fairly basic.

B: Accept FT job. Enjoy “sense of purpose” and extra money, but this would be intermingled with quite a bit of stress and general feeling of overwhelm (have done before). Also, childcare issues. But financial security would be a plus. I would also pay for cleaner etc, so would get a break from some menial tasks that have been my job for a number of years.

AIBU to have no idea which option is best?! WWYD?

I would always choose the job. I think it’s sad when women lose their identity through motherhood and everything revolves around the home and their children. You also don’t know what could happen with your marriage so relying on your DH financially leaves you vulnerable. Since they’re both at school FT as well I wouldn’t even hesitate, it’ll only be afterschool and breakfast clubs so not that expensive.

I’m not chippie about it all. Why would I be? My children were privileged to grow up in a home where parents weren’t stressed and run ragged trying to juggle work, childcare and running a home. I know it’s not for everyone and that’s fine.

Option c in an ideal world and a part time job would be better until theiyre both in high school. I think it's nice to be able to pick up and drop off at primary and be able to be there for the many many times parents get invited into school. If that isn't possible then definitely B. Especially if it is a really good opportunity and you are likely not to get it again in a few years time.

I suppose if that’s all the children know they see it as the “norm”. Personally I think your children are getting the better deal. They have parents who are there for them.

You can tell someone is insecure when they start having to attack, you’ve done a lot in this thread to point out inaccurate generalisations about working parents not prioritising their children, about tax money being spent on childcare, the old ‘why have kids chestnut’. It just screams insecurity, I appreciate you’ve probably had to defend yourself a lot over these years, but I just don’t think you’d need to stoop that low if you were completely happy, I think it’s even odder when your children are grown up.

I would take the job in a heartbeat.

You couldn’t be further from the truth. You know nothing about me or my personal circumstances. I probably feel more secure than a lot of people on here . I don’t have the need to nor have I ever felt that I needed to be financially independent in case my marriage goes tits up which is often quoted on here. If that’s not insecurity I don’t know what is. In fact I’ve led a very privileged life.

Sure, ok.

I find it sad when people base their identity around a job. I used to be one of them and it's only since taking a step back I've realised that actually my identity as a mother is far more important than any job.

Why does your identity have to be wrapped up in your role as a mother or the job you do? Why can’t you be SkibidiSigma?

Oh it absolutely can. I guess I'm just fed up with the same old line being trotted out about women apparently losing themselves if they don't work. It's very possible to have a fulfilling life without working. And I've realised my job did become so much of my identity that other things were neglected, so I guess that post just touched a nerve!

I understand and agree.

Take the job.
if you need more flexibility request it at later date.
think of your future and pension and benefits that may come with the role.

would be silly not to give it a go when other option may be on table if required. Not a luxury many have.

choose the job.
I was a SAHM when kids were little and I loved it. I loved being there after school and in the holidays etc, but by the time they were this age I definitely felt that 'drifting aimlessly' thing.
I was fortunate because I have been able to be part time and flexible with hours, but I really like the fact that I am using my brain again.

Also, my SIL (with 3 dds) once said to me - what am I teaching my daughters? They are not seeing women working, pursuing skills/career being in the world and holding their part in it. They hit a nerve with me.

Go for the job. If it is too much, then finding a part time or more flexible position from working is much easier than at the point of getting back into the workplace

I’d agree with the first answer- I loved being a sahm, loved the collections and the chats and the time to sit and help with homework but when I started working having money, lunches, adult conversations were huge but the stress of childcare, of kids getting sick and both of us battling it out to not have to go to our manager for more time off- or of freaking out when the school would tell us there was a training day or the electricity had gone etc etc. And homework is a rush job now and they can’t do the activities they could …

I prefer the best of both worlds. I work 20 hours a week in two different jobs yet I can also do school pick ups and sit and chill on a Monday afternoon with a coffee, and can pursue different hobbies/interests.

Granted I'm fortunate to be able to do this financially. I am well qualified and educated in two different fields and my part time work keeps my skills sharp.

I could go full time and do the 'big job' but I'd rather not. I'd I only do it if I had no choice.

I think that "sense of purpose" is incredibly important. If you don't have that at the moment, then get an interesting job.

Wait. What?! A person contributes to society by not claiming benefits. Even though they are not paying any tax, you think that's contributing. With that logic, I'm an absolute fucking hero as I've never claimed any money off the government AND I have worked and paid shit loads of tax all of my adult life. Go me!

I think your last sentence here is revealing - you were already looking for work.

I think on that basis you might rue not accepting this opportunity. It sounds like a rare chance to re-enter the job market at the same level despite a seven year hiatus.

Personally, I’d go for option C. I’d continue as a SAHM but spend the spare time building your own business/income. That’s what I’ve done for the past 16 years. I can’t return to my previous role as DC are disabled and I’m a carer for DM (cerebral palsy and dementia). I’ve built up my business to work when I’m free without the restrictions of being an employee.

For me, less stress and maximum time spent with family is irreplaceable - there are plenty of things you can do to find purpose without returning FT to the workplace. But it sounds as if being a SAHM isn’t really making you feel fulfilled - so maybe for you, RTW is the better option.

Yes, I was looking for PT work. The FT thing really terrifies me! But seems like I might need to do it to re-enter workforce and after awhile, look for a PT job again.

How about framing it as 'in which scenario will my time and energy bring about the greatest amount of good?' That's 'good' as in helping people, solving problems, alleviating hurt, creating positive change etc. How will you use your human capacity and potential to reach the greatest number of people? If your work option doesn't really allow you to bring value in this way, then perhaps remaining at home and continuing to bring love and stability to your family is your true work for now. But if, on the other hand, your work is in a sector which touches the lives of people, maybe it's time to heed the call which brought you to the role in the first place?

As someone who divorced after a 20yr marriage I’d definitely say the job, I was able to buy my husband out of the house, my sil was a sahm and was very vocal about me being a cruel working mother, ended up living with her parents.

I hope this is only ever hypothetical for you though.

I think it depends on the age of the kids. Under 5, SAHM is good if you can. Once at school, go back to work.

Before you know it, they’ll be teenagers with no need for a SAHM, and the longer you’ve been out of the workplace, the harder it will be to get back in. I read that SAHM are statistically more likely to be cheated on, and up to 50% more likely to divorce. I think it’s important to have your own life and not fall into the trap of becoming the housemaid. There’s also the issue of pension, especially if you divorce.

Surely a parent's curse?

Maybe the partner could go part time.

Part of parenting is modelling life choices to children.

I'd take the job. Worst case scenario it'll be a nightmare and you can return home. But it might work out well once you've got childcare sorted out.