Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

I think it's ridiculous he didn't let you use the loo. Reading your updates it may have been the girlfriend, or that might have been an excuse whe he doesn't want you to see his messy home. He should've let you. However

I left close to tears that he would do this to me.

I think that's a bit over the top. Talk to him about it maybe, but then move on. He just has some growing up to do

Also, almost crying because your son won’t let you use his loo? Come on. Sounds pretty dramatic.

The OP didn't show up randomly. It WAS expected. She was driving a long way, and meeting at the flat before going out. I'd be more surprised if someone didn't want to pop in in those circumstances.

Your son was being VU. Has he called or messaged or anything since? Ideally to apologise?

But it’s the son’s home, and he’s not the one with the MH problem, so the fact that it’s untidy at times is down to his scruffiness, not a mental health issue. The point here is that OP’s son didn’t communicate that his GF was in the house - if he had, OP could have used the loo while they were out. A 2.5 hour journey pre arranged is hardy popping in unannounced.

YANBU This is appalling behaviour from your son particularly he know you have a medical need to use the toilet urgently on occasion.
Your son also seems to be unable to prioritise when faced with a dilema.
I can see his stess if his GF suffers anxiety and didnt want to meet you at that moment but he should have said i need to let my gf know so she can feel safe in the bedroom and you can nip to the loo.
As it happened your son chose to leave you in potential discomfort when he had options to meet his gf needs too.
Which is worrying and i'm wondering if he may be scared of her?
Did you say anything when he said no?
I would have said i really need the loo,please could you assure your gf i wont meet her?
Im would be wondering if this was an excuse and something else is going on with them or in the house that he doesn't want you to see?

Interesting that the vote and the comments are quite opposite.

94% of people who voted say the OP isn't being unreasonable to be upset her DS wouldn't let her in to use the toilet when she was desperate.

Yet most of the comments are saying he was quite reasonable and are excusing quite extreme behaviour from him and the GF.

Where in the OP does it mention the word crazy, although this is the weirdest thing I've read on MN to date (which is saying something). Not allowing your own mother to have a wee in your house?

I'm not sure who's more to blame for the sheer absurdity. The son for thinking it was ok, or for the girlfriend to expect it (if she even did which I doubt).

I think not allowing the mother to use your toilet due a girlfriend's anxiety is an overreaction.

Sounds like your DS may have problems in the future with this girlfriend. He will be in need of your support then.

Knowing what kids are like at that age, cleaning is not high on their agenda. I’d guess he was making an excuse for you not to see a dirty bathroom

It is really harsh tbf. Your own mum needs a wee and you say no "cos anxious lady in the house" 🙄 that is pretty brutal. I completely get why op would be that upset.

But as I say im definitely sniffing a whiff of the DS doing something dodgy in there rather than the completely ridiculous excuse he gave 🤨 i bet his electric meter is about to take off its whirring that fast 😂

H needs a new girlfriend, a partner who makes you put your own mother in this situation is not one for long term happiness.

At 23, I had been working for 7 years, I was an adult, working and interacting with people. This is not normal behaviour for an adult, he is acting without any compassion for his mother. I know what it is like to have this condition and it isn't pleasant, you have to plan your whole life around it. He was being an absolute, nasty idiot and nothing can excuse his behaviour. If his GF is really like this, then he is going to turn into a recluse, so he has some really tough life choices to make.

OP didn’t say she judged his home to his face. She said she cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. She’s clearly worried about the impact of the GF’s MH problems on her son’s life. Frankly l would be too if she’s so anxious and avoidant of meeting OP.

It's totally ridiculous that she couldn't use the loo. For crying out loud, it's such a basic need. I wouldn't refuse anyone the use of the loo, if they were in my house. Perhaps it would do the girlfriend a bit of good to manage her anxiety? BTW my son has anxiety and even he thinks it's bonkers.

Agree with pp it was definitely out of order and gf could of stayed out of way. To those saying op dramatic, its not nice with toilet anxiety esp if you feel the slight urge to wee, I have issues down there and I would be really upset its awful. Sending hugs op

I always give plenty of notice of when I’m visiting and in the past his GF has stayed at her home until I’ve gone.

His GF doesn't even live there and she's dictating to your DS that his own mother can't come in his own house to use the loo.

He's setting himself up for a life of utter misery if this is a taster.

Believe me he has never been embarrassed about the state of his home and always grateful when I help clean. I’ve always gone in when visiting, normally do a bit of cleaning and go but he knew I was short of time and was literally just leaving.

The poster wasn’t referring to OP, it was directed at the first poster on the thread. Agree with you though - at no point was the word crazy used, it was just a factual statement.

I'd have been pissed off but I think you're being a bit over the top about it.

I'd assume there's something more serious going on with the gf and he didn't want you to know.

This isn't something to be that worked up about though.

Honestly just tell him he was being ridiculous, if his girlfriend is nervous he could have messaged her you were using the loo, once you have spoken to him about it you can move on.

As someone with IBS I can understand being at the point of tears for being denied access to the loo. OP has said that when she needs to go she needs to go so obviously has urgency issues. The son has behaved appalingly letting his Mum risk wetting herself in her car before a long journey.

If they don't live together, why didn't she stay at her house knowing he was having company. She sounds controlling and manipulative and I do hope a break up is on the horizon.

sorry mis typed and cant delete