Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Well, I certainly wouldn’t be driving the five hour round trip to see him again any time soon. If he wants to know why you can tell him. Also to be honest, if I was desperate and I knew where his loo is,I might’ve just walked in anyway because unless you are scared he’s going to physically stop you what could he do?

Even if the house is a tip, it's preposterous behaviour. The OP raised this boy, she washed his socks, she probably nagged him to move the dirty plates and cups out of his bedroom about a million times. Seeing a messy flat surely wouldn't have sent her reaching for the smelling salts. Unless it's literally out of order he's got no excuse for not letting his own mother have a wee in his toilet!

I thought this too.
Or he’s hiding something in the bathroom perhaps?

Dreadful behaviour from your son! Is it possible his house was an awful mess so he didn’t want you to see it? The girlfriend is dreadful if she was stopping her boyfriend’s mum from using the toilet. I would make sure he knows how much it upset you

Maybe the house/toilet was in a state and he didn’t want you to see it.Whatever the reason, you need to move on and perhaps not judge the girlfriend until you know her

I would call him up and further enquire as to her mental health because this sounds really bad

Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t.

Sounds bloody odd - I wonder what if anything this GF actually said - because if it was coming from her and she goes the course I can't see this would endear you to her.

If it wasn't coming from her sons bloody odd coming from DS - and no idea what would be behind it.

I'd be taken aback about it and try and factor it in any future visits - personally I'd try and work round it despite the hurt becuase I love my kids and something sound off here so it would make me worry something was wrong.

I'm ashamed to say the toilet in my son's flat doesn't flush properly and you have to throw jugs of water down it after using it. It's extremely upsetting and I vist his home not very frequently because of it and give him grief about it every time I do. But in fairness to him he still makes it clear I am welcome to visit him any time.

I certainly don't buy your son's excuse re his gf. Either his flat is a mess, or there is something wrong with it, or else something is going on he doesn't want you to see. But I don't blame you at all for being upset at being refused the use of his toilet facilities. Totally horrible behaviour.

WTF. Thats weird.

I’m aware that his GF has some mental health issues and wouldn’t want her to be uncomfortable because of me but she could have stayed in another room. My son does struggle to cope with her issues and talks to me about it. I’m pretty sure their relationship will be ending soon as she will be moving away for financial reasons and he has said he doesn’t feel ready to move in with her due to her health. She really does need some professional help. I do feel this situation was more about his behaviour than hers though.

If we take the anxious GF at the face value, I have a theory.

They probably had a discussion earlier - she was anxious about his mum coming, he ensuring her that "she doesn't even have to come to the house, will just use the drive and we will go somewhere". And than the loo request happened "out of the blue" which didn't fit with that.

He just didn't think about this option beforehand and, when put on the spot, went with the preexisting plan, protecting the agreement with his GF.

He just didn't think about this option beforehand and, when put on the spot, went with the preexisting plan, protecting the agreement with his GF.

Yes, and that’s not okay.

I would leave discussion of it until after she’s out of the picture then. Raising it too soon might damage your relationship and push them closer together. You don’t want to be the person that adds more stress to him.

did he seem stressed about not letting you in?

If he's struggling with her mental health issues - perhaps it worse than he said and it easier to upset you than deal with an upset her?

I'd hope she leaves soon and see how he is afterwards - perhaps he'll be more considerate to you then.

She didn't say crazy. She said severe mental health illness.

I’d have said don’t be ridiculous I’m going to pee myself!!!

If the OP waits until the GF allows her to get to know her I think she'll have a very long wait. Like others have said I would be glad if my son removed himself from this degree of control. I wonder if she bans everyone from using 'her' loo or if it's just the partner's mother?

Yes I think this is right but when I need a wee I need a wee! I think he should have said hold on I will tell GF you are just popping in to use the loo to give her warning to be in another part of the home. Instead I got point blank no you can’t. I was stood on the door step. He wouldn’t unlock the door. I just walked over to my car and left.

I hope your DS and his girlfriend break up soon OP 💐
It is very difficult to live with someone who has a severe mental illness and I find myself having more sympathy for him on reading your update. I would be gentle with him but do let him know you were hurt. Tell him you’re concerned he has to live like this.

That's bizarre behaviour and a strange excuse. I'm heavily medicated for anxiety so I understand the fear, but it's still strange/ she could have stayed in another room she didn't have to come out to meet you. Although the best thing would have been to fight that fear and come and say hi.

Say this to him. He is 23 and still learning lessons. It was good to have an arrangement with GF, but that situations can change.

It seems he was fully anticipating you not going in or asking to go in so was caught off guard by it? It seems odd to arrive after a 2.5 hour drive and immediately go out? Is it normal for you to visit him and not go inside??

Any reasonable person would nip in and ask the girlfriend to go to one of the bedrooms etc so you could pop in to the loo, so it seems more likely that the house was a shithole and he didn't want you to see it as he wasn't intending for you to come in.

It bloody rude of him to not invite you in anyway, let alone refuse to let you use the toilet!!

Same here. I'd have had to either forced myself in or piss in his garden.

Force yourself in???? What the fuck???

The GF thing sounds weird. Maybe an excuse? For something he is hiding.