Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

I’m guessing the girlfriend’s issues are more serious than a bit of nervousness unfortunately.

Your son sounds whipped. And his girlfriend sounds odd.

Good Lord what a bonkers thing for him to say!

Very rude!

I would think it was odd but I'd assume his house was an absolute tip, he didn't want you to see the mess and he just blurted out the first thing that came into his head.

Right? I think dating somebody like that would be hard work (assuming he was telling the truth.)

Given the op has said in a comment that the som doesn’t want to move in with the GF (suggesting they don’t currently live together), and hasn’t said how long they’ve been dating, it doesn’t sound like your comment is remotely relevant here.

This sounds right to me, especially if he’s struggling to help her manage her MH. Put on the spot, he was less worried in the moment about his mum’s feelings than his girlfriend’s - but that may simply be because he sees you as the more reasonable person in that equation, OP, and the one who’s most likely to forgive him. He’s still very young and probably panicked a bit.

Have you told him how this made you feel? Could he see how upset you were as you left? If not, you should tell him.

If you regularly spend the day together and he confides in you about his life, you’re obviously close, and he’d probably be mortified to know how much that split second decision upset you. People can do funny, out-of-character things when in dysfunctional relationships, so don’t let this situation undermine your own relationship with your son. It doesn’t sound like the girlfriend will be around for much longer in any case.

Good grief this is so bad and so unfair on you OP! Have you spoken to him since? Appalling behaviour from him and his girlfriend is just being ridiculous anxiety or not.

Yes, you don’t know what he was facing if he let you in OP. It sounds like this relationship isn’t good for him.

Yep. For wee’d read ‘weed’.

At that age I’d be more inclined to believe the place was a tip and he didn’t want you to see it.

Not if it's true, it's not. Why should he have to lie if that's the genuine reason?

However, I'd put money on it that the reason might be something else entirely. The GF is actually a BF, the house is a tip and he's embarrassed, there is evidence of drugs, or devil worship or the living room has been turned into a S&M sex dungeon or something else he doesn't want his mum to see.

Lots of people clam up at the thought of unplanned visits for all sorts of reasons. I don't blame the OP for being hurt and annoyed though.

there are many lovely but to easy young men doing the NHS job with girlfriends. I worked with one, he would phone her every 2 h and go home for lunch every single day to check on her

I'd be a bit incredulous, really. And offended.

Then it's even weirder. Why didn't he say my mum's coming over, if you don't want to meet her then you need to go home?

Maybe try to remember that the GF apparently has an anxiety disorder, and quite a serious one at that. I don’t think DS acted appropriately in the situation but the words ‘oddball’ and ‘stupid’ aren’t appropriate when we’re talking about mental health.

OP what a horrid experience.

I was with someone for a long time who was a complete weirdo about people coming in uninvited. There were times when this was really inconvenient/annoying, but it was a boundary I never dared step over. It was just like a locked door in my head, I couldn't even contemplate it for one second.

Hurraaaaaaah that their relationship seems to have run its course (soon!). I'm sure that he will look back on this and wonder what on earth he was playing at, but at the moment it seemed like the only option available. His response to you was entirely automatic, not intentional.

No way is a son not letting his Mum use the loo normal! No matter how anxious his GF is.

then he needs to get out of the relationship fast otherwise he’ll end up being her carer if he isn’t already. It’s his mother FFS. She needed the loo, not a full blown meet and greet with the GF.

That may be your percepition of the situation and his may differ.

I have family who do this and it's fucking annoying - especially as it's not dirty or untidy - and often what they are doing doesn't need doing, may well be making more work and they make out they've done more than they have. Socially it's very hard not to mutter thanks - even while feeling it's a dig - It's got to point where it's just ignored by everyone and they've stopped. I found it incredibly rude TBH.

However you may be right he may love you cleaning - so you're back to him not letting you in for other reasons.

Best thing is to clam down give it some time and then have a frank discussion about it all and in future try meeting half way or somewhere nearby him you can park with public toilets.

@zoovo Do you tend to treat your son's boundaries as optional since you are his mum?

Just thinking - you came in and cleaned his flat, which unless he asked you to is actually a pretty aggressive thing to do to another adult because you are asserting control over his space. And now you agreed to his rule about not coming in (whether you think it was reasonable or not, you did agree) and then unilaterally decided it was ok to bend it to "Not come in unless I reeeally need the loo".

I am reminded of my dad - mostly lovely but with a tendency to rise roughshod over others at times because he simply didn't see them as quite as important as him.

We booked our wedding at a private venue that was a family home when not being used for events. He was paying some of the costs and wanted to see it so we took him up. We explained several times that we could see the outside but we couldn't go inside because it wasn't a hotel, it was a private house. So of course after looking round the outside gardens he decided he needed the loo. We could have driven 5 minutes to several pubs but he "really couldn't see why it was a problem" to just ask the venue owners. Which he did. And of course the owners felt obliged to accomodate. But they were clearly not happy, because it was totally transparent that my dad's request was just an excuse to get inside and be nosy when they'd not invited him.

It’s not what anyone wants for their child is it, to be in that sort of relationship? Life is hard enough.
I say that as the mother of someone with serious MH issues. I know enough that I would tell my other children to run from a relationship like that.

I wouldn’t disagree with that at all. My issue with this poster was the offensive way they described someone with a clearly significant mental health problem.

At 23 my parents had been married for 4 years with a house, jobs, a 2 year old and a new baby.

This is ridiculous behaviour for an adult. And I'm saying this with someone with anxiety myself.

Do you tend to treat your son's boundaries as optional since you are his mum?

It's pretty tough on a loving mum whose door is always open to have children with boundaries that extend to not allowing them over the threshold of their own home though, isn't it? Especially when he had plenty of notice that she was visiting. Too many young adult children want to take everything from their parents but give absolutely nothing back.