Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Nothing remotely odd about a mother popping in her adult child's home to use the loo.

I am despairing of how peculiar and socially maladjusted people are becoming, particularly Gen Z. It has gone beyond anything that can be excused imo.

OP YANBU, I would be upset and hurt too. I would also be worried that his gf severe mental health issues are normalizing this messed up level of dysfunction and affecting his own ability to live normally.

I suspect your ds keeps a messy toilet and was embarrassed to let his mother see.

You've judged his home as disgusting before and haven't forgotten about it.

That will be why.

The girlfriend probably has anxiety, yes, but also, he probably can't face the judgment because his home is unlikely up to your standards.

It's horrible suddenly needing the toilet and not being near one, but I don't think his house was ever an option, and you wasted time in arguing with him about it.

OP has said she knows of this GF and her son has talked about her issues before. So it’s not really out of thin air, just a convenient excuse as OP already knows the GF has some mental health problems. Plumbing issues would definitely be an easier excuse though!

I wonder this ^ as well. He is 23, he thinks differently OP, he doesn’t understand the concept of urgent need for toilet but he remembers being embarrassed about you cleaning his toilet in your last visit. He probably thought that you were checking on him. It’s the classic way to do this - its used in movies all the time

Imo you should have said: Jack, I really really need to go to the toilet . Because if you ask “can” question - there is only 50% chance of getting yes.

Ok so this is why. They know you judge the state of the flat. He’s told her about this sort of stuff. She thinks you will judge her then spend hours in the kitchen making it less disgusting. I expect that is all it is.

I think k it's weird that a son or daughter can live with someone in a long-term relationship that the parents have never met

Well dismissing the Ops feelings over this to accommodate her son and new gf is just centering them as more important, the op has an urgency issue him refusing his mother use of a toilet is upsetting and she might have panicked that she could pee herself, but don't upset the "kids" eh !

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the girl. She may well not even exist. I think he just used her as an excuse.

It's more likely to be
A. His toilet is fucking grim or
B. He's doing something in the house he doesn't want you to know about.

To answer your question, because they can and they get away with it.

I would be texting him and tell him how upset you are. That he knows when you need to go you need to go and that caused more stress to you as you had to find somewhere quickly. And point out his gf could have moved to another room

I would then say that if she is not prepared to meet you you understood but if you bust again can she please accept that you will need to use the toilet or she stays elsewhere.

personally I would not be visiting again until she’s gone

Id bet hes got a grow on op 🤣 its the only explanation for such madness from him.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

Nothing to see here, folks. It has to be a crazy girlfriend.

Exactly. She's his mother. It wouldn't occur to her that he wouldn't let her in to use the toilet so probably thought 'I'll go to the loo at his house' before setting off, perhaps passed over another opportunity or just that it had been some time since she last went so now needed to go again.

Being unable to access a toilet unexpectedly when you thought you'd be able to is distressing because then the 'I will piss myself very soon' panic then sets in. You barely notice or care what state the toilet and it's surroundings are in, because when you've got to go, you've got to go.

God, I'm sorry, op. That is dreadful behaviour. He must be terrified of his girlfriend's reaction to have treated you so badly. I think it's probably best that you gloss over it for now and cross your fingers this relationship ends soon.

My guesss is that the bathroom was disgusting with urine stains all over the lid and seat and probably dried poo in the bowl and it was more embarrassment at the thought of you seeing it as opposed to there being an issue with his girlfriend.

Have you spoken to him about it since?

It’s likely the place wasn’t clean and he (and maybe his GF) were embarrassed to have anyone come in, especially as you cleaned the place last time and thought it was disgusting. They probably didn't anticipate you asking to use the loo as the whole meet up was taking place outside of the house - he probably expected you’d use the loo where you had lunch? Although given the medical issues you mentioned, this was probably an oversight from him. If I was meeting a relative near their place but the plan was fully outside of it, I wouldn’t ask to go in and would use the loo elsewhere (eg nearby cafe) to avoid intruding

Indeed this. You shouldn’t really hold this against your son and you shouldn’t have made it even more difficult by asking again after he said no with a difficult reason. Probably you should feel very sorry for his GF. Her life must be a terrible struggle every day. The arrangement was not in the house for good reason.

If you're goint to exercise the right to not have someone in your home, you need to give them some warning of that if it's unusual. And it IS unusual not to allow someone to pop in to use the loo once they've travelled 2.5 hours to reach you!

Also it's the DS's home, not the girlfriend's.

What a bloody farce. Your son needs to get himself out of this unhealthy relationship now but he is an adult so will have to find out the hard way. How on earth did he manage to meet this woman that has such crippling anxiety she can't meet anyone new ? She has no business being in a relationship with anyone and will ruin your son's life. Mention to him how hurt you felt that he would ignore your health condition and that the whole situation is not normal/ Leave it at that.

Er, l don’t see the word ‘crazy’ anywhere in that post. Seems reasonable to assume that the girl has a fairly severe MH problem if she’s so anxious he can’t even let his own mother into his home to pee.

If my parent spoke about my living situation like this, I sure as hell wouldn’t want them popping in to use the loo unannounced either.

I went through a period of serious depression during which I also suffered with bulimia and my flat (and especially the loo) looked like something out of a true crime documentary. But I barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone clean up after myself.

I didn’t want anyone even peeking inside my flat for months, let alone coming inside and using the bathroom. At some point I had to let my parents in and thankfully they saw it for what it was; not me being “disgusting” but in a really tough spot and unable to take care of myself.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on with your son and his girlfriend - it could be a million other things - but from what you’ve written here and the way you’ve written it, I’m honestly not surprised that he didn’t want you in there.

Exactly. It sounds like she doesn't even live there yet was being used as a reason to deny basic hospitality to the OP.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

Bingo! He's let it get in a state again and was anticipating the disappointment from you. If you had arranged to meet up and go out he had no intention of inviting you in, so didn't think he had to bother cleaning up for you, you obviously caught him off guard and he had to think on the fly.

The girlfriend may have actually been there, but he didn't want her to overhear you berating him for letting it get in such a state again, because it is embarrassing to be told off by your mum.. only you know how that conversation would have gone.

You could tell him how awkward/upsetting you found it, and see if he will spill the beans on the truth of the matter.