Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

No more visits to your son then. If he wants to see you in future, he comes to you. Denying the use of his loo to you because of a girlfriend's "anxiety" is batshit behaviour and totally unreasonable. All she had to do was stay in the bedroom, no-one was asking her to share the damn bathroom with you FGS.

That is absolutely bat shit crazy that he wouldn’t let you in to use the loo . I would be so pissed off .

This was my first thought too. The anxious girlfriend excuse seems suspect to me. It sounds like something he has concocted on the spur of the moment to avoid his mum seeing the state of his bathroom. Much better to shift the blame onto his, possibly hypothetical, girlfriend's mental health issues than have his mum realise her son is too lazy to clean the toilet!

Sounds like his girlfriend has pretty severe OCD. How long have they been together?

I wasn’t aware she was in there until I mentioned using the loo.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting. He has never refused me going in before even with friends there. I always give plenty of notice of when I’m visiting and in the past his GF has stayed at her home until I’ve gone. I know it’s strange for her to avoid me but I am understanding of her anxiety. I feel for her. But yes I do worry about my son being in this relationship because he is out of his depth at times. I’m just disappointed that he treated me like that instead of finding a way around it.

In thinking the toilet wasn't clean and he was embarrassed

I thought this - odd if outside front door not to be asked in.

We don't always go to uni kids accomodation but meet somewhere in town - as we're often staying in center. If he wasn't going to let you in - meeting at a pub or attraction and parking there with toilets open to public would have made more sense all round.

Interesting how many people think that people don’t have the right to not want someone in their home. Yes she’s his mother but there was clearly a reason why he wasn’t comfortable letting her in.

I know his home is sometimes a mess, on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

Maybe it's nothing to to with GF and this is the issue?

While we're making up scenarios, maybe he knew that if he went against his girlfriend's arbitrary restrictions he would be subjected to a barrage of emotional abuse from her.

I think the GFs issues must be quite serious to require that level of accommodation, more serious than you realised perhaps OP? I live with someone who has serious MH issues and it can be extremely difficult.

I would get out of the situation if I were your son OP. It’s no way to live if you don’t have to. Life is hard enough.

I mean it'd be a ridiculous excuse to pull out of thin air if he was trying to hide something.

If he'd have said "Sorry mum the toilet's broken, we've got a plumber coming later..." that'd have been the end of it 😅

I probably would have said “look I don’t care if it’s messy just let me in for a wee please” and if he carried on with the anxious gf thing I would say she can just stay in the bedroom if needs be.

My money is on it was messy personally. I remeber when I first moved in with DH while we were getting into the routine we lived in squalor for a month or so.

Does she think you're a tradesman?
Joking apart, it's probably about the state of the loo.
Other than that, I hope the poor woman is getting help.

Sorry you have been treated like this by your son.
Out of interest, does your son have ANY history of anxiety or OCD?
The girlfriend could have been a "cover", as
a person with OCD (treated), I remember it was painful to let someone visit my apartment or use the toilet, even my own mother.
That was over 20 years ago and the OCD is mild now.
Possible explanation. Common sense should still have won.

He didn't let you in the door of the flat at all? Definitely hiding stuff he doesn't want his mum seeing. Could be anything really

Absolutely this. It seems sometimes anxiety is "I don't want to do that and can't think of a way to tackle it". Why are people so ill equipped to face potentially uncomfortable situations?

And no, I'm not insulting the people who have genuine anxiety disorder, nor specifically referring to the GF in question really.

It's really worrying.

I think chill a bit. It almost certainly isn’t personal. I really don’t like people ‘popping in’ unexpectedly for any reason. She probably didn’t want to ‘hide in the bedroom’. But she probably also didn’t feel ‘ready to meet the MIL’. Maybe she wasn’t dressed. Maybe the flat was a tip. Maybe she suspected you didn’t just want to use the loo and that in fact would expect to sit having tea on their sofa, checking out the flat and her. He probably didn’t communicate it that well - she might have said it more politely . Try and move on and not hold it against them, and don’t expect free access to your son’s flat, he’s an adult now.

I would be less upset and more worried. Drugs.

This was my thinking - maybe the toilet was filthy and he'd only cleaned the parts of the house you were going to be in. Or maybe there's something else going on.

I'd let it go this once op but I'd make it clear to him next time you are visiting that you may need to use the loo and because of your health its not OK for him to decline.

Not wanting people in your home is fine - but having them meet you right outside is odd.

If you don't want people to come in meet somewhere esle hopefully convenient to both of you - it's how most people would manage that situation - it's less pointed and rude then denying entry while they are stood at the door during a pre-arranged meeting. Obviously if they just truned up you have no choice but to stand there not letting them in.

It's very odd to have them at meet at your front door with no intention of letting them in especially if you know there may be toilet issues because that does smack of rudeness and will obviously upset the other party.

Yoh “don’t know how to move forwards from this”? Dramatic much? He didn’t let you use the loo, talk about turn it into something absolutely massive.

He sounds like he’s stuck between two difficult women

Of course he has the right, but rights don't always equate to reasonable behaviour. He has the right to do all sorts of things if he really wants, like sing opera in her face every time she talks or wear a shirt with an embarrassing photo of her on it.

Sounds like the girlfriend has severe mental illness or something else going on like drugs?

I'm not saying it was his most glorious moment, just that it isn't a malice, and he was kind of trying to keep his word.

I can imagine he might even felt taken aback because he might have felt that you'd discussed it before (some kind of, "so you'll just use the drive and than we will go...", implying not going into the house).

It's not unreasonable to need a loo - but it does break the "not going inside" plan.