Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

And for someone who has bladder urgency issues ? Are we playing disability top trumps ? Too often MH is considered a reason for excusing shit, rude behaviour. OP wasn’t about to barge in and force a meeting if the girl wasn’t ready but really, how difficult would it have been for her to nip into another room to allow OP to use the loo ?

I don't think pp was trying to excuse any thing, or playing disability top trumps. She just said the reason given by the son to refuse entry was believable.

The person she was replying to was assuming the MH reasons were ‘clearly an excuse’ because ‘nobody is that ridiculous and unreasonable in real life’.

But of course they sometimes are. We’ve all heard the horrific outcomes of family mental health crises on the news.

I'm not playing "disability top trumps" although it seems you may be trying to. The person I quotes was saying they couldn't believe that anyone would behave like that. I can, because I've had someone shouting and screaming at me in a somewhat similar situation. I'm not excusing that behaviour in any way, I'm just saying it's believable.

There’s something or someone in the house he doesn’t want you to see.

In my ex’s case, it was a child. His child, that he hadn’t told anyone about. Wouldn’t allow his Mum to visit.

Nope. Absolutely not playing the game. Coming from the perspective of a long term disability outreach worker. I have all the empathy in the world for a MH condition but I draw the line where the person who has it makes someone else responsible for the things they can’t cope with. This young lady could have moved to a different room or upstairs to allow OP to come in to use the bathroom. The fact that she didn’t, to me, doesn’t so much suggest MH but a level of entitlement she expects others to cope with. Totally unacceptable.

Well, she wasn’t asked to move, was she? Her boyfriend seems to have panicked at the thought of inconveniencing her, which suggests that he’s out of his depth here.

I'm looking at this less from the perspective of the girlfriend and more from the perspective of the OP's son. He was faced with acceding to the demands of his girlfriend's mental health issues versus acceding the demands of his mother's physical health issues. Whichever of those he chose to prioritise, the other would view him as doing it wrong.

As you're someone who works with people with mental health issues I'm sure you'll appreciate that those who are struggling with their mental health are not always able to take a dispassionate view of a challenging situation and the consequences thereof. Sometimes they react really, REALLY badly. For a bystander like OP's son it's understandable that he may have chosen an option that would minimise the backlash. That doesn't mean that the girlfriend's behaviour was justifiable or the best course of action, just that the son's choices are understandable.

As I said, I've been in a similar situation to OP's son. It fucking sucked. I knew that whatever I chose, someone would end up disappointed with the choice I made. But I also knew that my DP's "disappointed" would be a protracted session of verbal, emotional and potential physical abuse. Compared to that, the other person who would be disappointed with me would be just that - disappointed with the choice I'd made. In hindsight I'm not proud of the choices I made at the time but I understand why I made them.

I think though if I was the son and I really couldn’t allow mum in for a wee due to the girlfriend, I would be so incredibly sorry and be right away trying to sort out a close alternative -let’s jump in the car and let me show you the big supermarket 5 mins away which has a cafe. (Assuming mum doesn’t know roads well, directions if she is fine).

Have you spoken to him about it yet OP?