Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

I see you’ve run out of any mature points to make.

Have you read Thomas Hardy's Return of the Native?

What do you think about Mrs Yeobright?

I would recommend reading the things you keep linking to. Both have disproven your points.

No. You are quite desperate to ignore law, nuance, and moral obligation. Trumpian times.

Something is very off in this situation.

If you are trying to imply I am stubborn why not just say that?

Not sure why you’re linking American sites when it’s more probable that OP is in the UK.

What I meant, however, is that none of us can know how much the GF is at DS’s place. OP has never met her there before and says she has her own apartment. Yet you’re saying she ought morally to have tenant responsibilities? Also moral responsibilities to OP as a quasi-guarantor. You’re questioning if she gets post at the address etc.

Can we just stick to the facts OP has given please? The rest is just a waste of time.

I guess you haven't read it.
There is a situation with not letting someone in.
Can you return to OP's concerns and stop personally attacking me?

Yes, she stayed at her own home. She wasn’t at DS’s place. She has her own apartment.

Here is a UK site.
https://www.hiscox.co.uk/landlords-blog/permitted-occupier-guide

Maybe the gf is a controlling user or maybe the son is maltreating her or maybe neither, but if a guarantor and mother is denied access, legal sites from anywhere will help formulate questions about responsibilities.

It is unconscionable to have kept the door locked and reasons need looked into

Because OP gave notice she would visit, so the gf on previous occasions made sure not to be at son's home. Clearly.

Good. Do not use me to derail the OP.

OP knows the reason already. She has told us all the reason. DS’s girlfriend has MH problems.

She is still disappointed by how her son treated her, as I would be. .

That...isn't a reason not to look into this disordered situation. And may not be the whole truth.

Indeed. Apologies. I missed out the 'her'. Senior moment!

If someone has travelled 2.5 hours to visit I bloody well think one can let them into their home to use the bathroom! Don’t forget, it’s another 2.5 hours for them to get back. I would’ve needed the toilet more than once in that time!

I agree with posters who say the house was an absolute tip and your son used his GF as an excuse. Or there was something even worse there - like drug paraphernalia etc.

I can see your point its difficult though if he told you in advance that his girlfriend wasn't ready to meet you and then you asked last minute to use the loo then he might have felt you were trying to get round a previously agreed boundary. It does seem a bit odd but some people are really troubled by anxiety.

But the GF doesn’t live there. She knew the OP was due to visit so hardly unexpected. She could either have not been there or got over herself and let his mum use the loo. It’s not ableist to think not letting someone who’s travelled 2.5 hours use the loo is disgusting behaviour.

To be fair you could have easily used the loo in the restaurant/shops if you knew you were heading home? I wouldn’t expect anyone to use my loo if we had been out together, unless I had invited them inside for a cuppa or something afterwards.

Not letting your mum who’s travelled 2.5 hours use your bathroom is pretty dramatic. And pathetic to be quite honest.

But it's very normal for someone heading off on a long journey to have a safety wee, and who the hell could reasonably expect their son to prevent them from nipping in? Very very few people would think 'I'll use the public toilet now, because it would be hugely inconvenient to use the toilet in son's house.'

Ok so gf was anxious about crossing paths with you. Your son was trying to protect her feelings. But is there any chance she might hear about this incident and be horrified that you weren' allowed in the house, and her boyfriend had happily thrown her under the bus in the process? An offhand "argh let me stay out of the way, meeting parents makes me nervous!" has been mishandled in the worst possible way.

Truly, this is how tension begins between MIL & DIL.

I fully blame your son OP for all of this, he sounds like an idiot. And he owes you an apology.

I agree with this

I think your son is suffering here
yANBU & she sounds very unwell
sounds like a codependent relationship hopefully it will end soon