Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

My only experience of a situation like this where we were not allowed into a house, is when my DH’s brother had beaten his GF up and didn’t want us to see her. We obviously didn’t know this at the time though.

Exactly. Anxiety is the 21st century version of the 'bad back' people used to go the doctor with. It's a catch all description for a lot of people to take the piss.

I agree. It’s absolute bullshittery and people should be calling it out.

Having the right to do something doesn't mean it is right to do it.
Anxiety cannot be allowed to dictate everything. Of course OP is not unreasonable to expect basic manners and consideration from her son. He was rude AF - gf has to learn to cope with normal life because not everything can revolve around her mental state. There's no reason why she couldn't have just waited in the bedroom.

And if a person's home is so filthy and disgusting that they are embarrassed to have anyone see it, then the solution is to clean it and stop living in a hovel!

Just seen that you are a guarantor - this is really hard to get out of but I would put a stop to it asap. If he cba to keep the place clean when he knows you are ultimately responsible for its condition, then he doesn't deserve your help. And certainly not if he won't let you in the use the bathroom!

Are you sure it's a GIRL friend? Or something he doesn't want you to see.

on my last visit I throughly cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. It was disgusting.

This! And your his guarantor. But he can’t even let you in to use the loo?

He sounds totally selfish and lazy. Time to have a serious chat about why an adult needs to live in a disgusting state. He should be ashamed of himself.

Downright rude! How many times did your son use 'your' toilet, growing up? And why the hell are you cleaning up after him for goodness sake? He's an adult! Let him live in mess if he wants - that's his choice, but don't go running around after him or he'll never grow up.

I am so sorry about that situation. Thanks for saying this.

You’re 🙄

Haven’t RTFT but maybe the house / bathroom was a tip and he/girlfriend are embarrassed or fear judgement? Are you fastidiously clean? That’s the only situation when I’ve historically wanted to deny access to the house to certain people.

Is there any risk the girlfriend might be controlled or ill-treated by the son?

This is what happened to me. My ex bf beat the shit out of me and I had swollen black eyes. He told his mum I wasn't very well and didn't want anyone in the flat atm.

Lots of speculation here, but it is really not acceptable for him to refuse his mother the use of the loo, under any circumstances.

You've said that you've visited before when she's been there but haven't gone in, so this isn't the first time that you may have potentially met her. I can't help but wonder if meeting the girlfriend by bumping into her in the hallway might have allied her anxiety and show her that you're not scary? Just a thought, but it could have taken away a lot of the anxiety.

As it is, the way in which your son has treated you is totally beyond reason.

It is really cruel to deny women the loo if they are in peri or older, or pregnant, or ever had a difficult pregnancy, as there can be all sorts of issues.

The son sounds problematic. A hidden 'anxious' girlfriend, filthy house, and now this.

You've said that you've visited before when she's been there but haven't gone in, so this isn't the first time that you may have potentially met her.

I don’t think OP said that? She said her son’s GF stayed at her own home when she visited his house before.

I don’t know why people post for advice on MN. All too often the posters who reply just make up their own version of events and don’t listen to what the OP is saying at all 🤷‍♀️

Honestly OP, if this was my son I'd contact him and tell him how upset I was

This happens in real life conversations too. Not a reason to stop talking.

OP should talk with her DS for sure. Someone who knows what’s actually going on.

A word with both DS and gf on a shared call. Too much in this situation is not ok. They need to be accountable to their guarantor and available in family terms.

Sigh. OP is not GF’s guarantor. She doesn’t live with OP’s DS.

Did you read the OP’s posts?

Right. I did not say either of those things.
Imaginary girlfriend at whatever location and entitled son need to hop on a family call.

HTH.

You actually did say that. You said “They need to be accountable to their guarantor”.