Son wouldn’t let me use his loo !

[zoovo]

I visited my 23 yr old Son over the weekend. I live 2.5hrs from him. Parked on his driveway and we headed straight out to lunch, shops etc. At the end of my visit I said I will use your loo before I leave and he said I couldn’t. Apparently his GF was in his home and she wasn’t ready to meet me due to anxiety. I said I only need a wee, I actually thought he was joking but he wasn’t. I left close to tears that he would do this to me. So I just left. I found a garden centre 25min into my journey home to stop off at. I’m still in disbelief that he treated me this way. I’m really hurt by this. I do have some medical issues at times which mean sometimes I really do need the loo urgently and he knows this. On this occasion it wasn’t to urgent but he didn’t know that. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Am I being unreasonable to feel so upset by this?

Apologies for calling your son an idiot btw. I think he (kind of) meant well but the execution was clumsy

No, she did not say the house was disgusting.

She said she cleaned his kitchen and bathroom on her last visit because they were disgusting.

We do not know whether that was said to her son or not, because OP hasn't told us. There's zero evidence to suggest any such comments are why he doesn't want his mother in the house.

I don't know which is weirder, that you're so melodramatic that you were almost in tears, or that your son is with someone so emotionally "damaged" (sorry, but that's the only word that occurs to me on short notice) that she's incapable of a passing hello to her BF's relative.

its difficult though if he told you in advance that his girlfriend wasn't ready to meet you and then you asked last minute to use the loo then he might have felt you were trying to get round a previously agreed boundary.

He didn't tell her this in advance. She didn't know that GF was in the house until she asked to use the loo.

Bloody hell, this thread is infuriating.

OP’s son told her exactly why he wouldn’t let her in. OP has told everyone here the reason, and said that her son has discussed the GFs issues with him before this incident. There’s no reason to disbelieve him (or OP). But some of you just can’t accept that a GF/DiL might be unreasonable or be the one to cause inconvenience, so you turn into Poundshop Poirots’

“Nah, it’s not that. His house is just messy”

”The GF probably insisted he cleaned up before you came but the lazy sod couldn’t be bothered”

”Nah, he’s secretly gay. There’s a man in the house”

”No, he’s growing weed”

”He’s probably a druggy devil worshiper with a sex dungeon”

”Ackshuwally ☝️🤓 I believe I’ve just found proof that OP has shamed her son and now she’s banned from entering his home (he just hasn’t informed her she’s been banished)”

”Yes, that’s it. OP is a filth shamer. He may have seemed happy to have your help cleaning, but deep down you’ve wounded him terribly”

Come on people. How about sometimes…just occasionally.. people actually mean what they say 🤯 not everyone feels the need to make up fake excuses in every single instance.

OP I agree with the poster who said that she’d be concerned for your son. I really do understand why you were upset, it can’t have been nice and must’ve been a shock to have such a basic request shut down when you were in need. I just think you need to talk to your son about it.
It might be that he was worried about the GF reaction and it was easier to upset you (as the more reliable, reasonable person in his life).

I also understand what the other poster means when she said GF may have been mortified that he’d taken her request to that extreme…but it was still her request, and she should never have put him in that position when she had plenty of notice you were coming and her own home to go to. It’s really not all his fault.

She had a 2.5 hour journey ahead of her and medical issues that can cause urgency. She also has a son, who knowing all of that, refused her most basic request to briefly access the toilet. It’s not melodramatic to feel upset.

And since when has being almost in tears “melodramatic” anyway ffs 😂 don’t be silly. Feeling a bit tearful is hardly throwing herself on the ground like a toddler, or flouncing off, theatrically wailing and clutching her chest.

Your son sounds absolutely useless. He should just have let you use the loo with a quick warning to gf and reassurance that you didn't need to meet. As PP have said she may not even have meant the request to be that extreme but it's very rude and inconsiderate of him. I'd think it quite rude to say that to a friend, let alone one's parent to be honest.

He knew his mum had a medical condition, for god's sake. It was an absolutely shitty thing to do. Olympic level dick-pandering on your part.

Agree.

Just saying.

But you forgot the bit about OP being 'melodramatic' in being refused the opportunity to pee when she needed too. I know that feeling very well, being of a certain age, and it isn't funny.

How odd to not “expect” anyone to use your toilet, just because you’d been somewhere with a public toilet previously!

I mean it’s not something you “expect”, or “don’t expect” it’s not something I would even think, “oh why didn’t you go at the restaurant or on Aldi’s”, why have you waited until now? It would just be “yes of course if you need the loo, go ahead.

I'm often baffled by the excessive melodrama in AIBU, and in this case, the OP presumably has had two decades of getting her child to respect and attend to her needs.

100% it’s this. And now he’s painted the girlfriend as the problem. What a great introduction…

Have you met the girlfriend before? Or even seen her/ heard her voice? Maybe a wildcard but is it possible she is a he and he’s not ready to share that with you yet? I know I could be miles off the mark here but either she has severe anxiety like he says or rbi ha are perhaps not as he’s painted them?

My new sister-in-law dubbed my mum “Saint Margaret” because no matter what she attempted to do (cook, clean, shop, buy furniture, ad nauseam), my brother would begin every sentence with “My mum…” hahaha.

It’s his house and his mum.

She doesn’t live there.

She doesn’t get to decide the acceptable level of cleanliness or who is allowed in his home.

She knew he was out with his mum all day so there was no reason for her to even be there.

It's not at all melodramatic to be upset when one's own children are rude or behave in an uncaring way towards us. Particularly when a mum has clearly been a good parent - willing to travel to see him, act as a guarantor, help out with cleaning etc. She is clearly loving and supportive and deserves better than this casually cruel and dismissive behaviour from her son.
People are allowed to have feelings - it isn't a character flaw!

Why wouldn't he know where the nearest one is? I certainly know there is a Costa a 2 min drive from my house and a garage with public loos a couple of minutes in the other direction. I didn't read he had not long moved in or was new to the area, playing devil's advocate that he knows the area 🤷‍♀️

No he shouldn't need reminding, but OP says she 'Sometimes' she really has to go, (not always) therefore perhaps a clear reminder might have helped in this case, like I said maybe he went into panic mode. Sometimes situations escalate because peopel panic, people get offended. I was trying to see it from both sides rather than jumping on the offensive 🙂

Personally I would have been more angry than upset and said ‘Son I need to use the loo now! Stop being unreasonable and ask your gf to go into a different room or I’ll have to wee on your doorstep!

If he still said no then yes I would be upset.

I would have a calm chat with him about how you felt and how unreasonable it was of him (whilst empathising with his gf’s issues and his having to navigate it).

Have you spoken with him since the incident OP? Hope you’re okay.

it’s almost like you’re blaming OP for her son’s poor behaviour?

She should’ve giff be en h a clear reminder!

She should’ve gone before or asked the nearest!

He could’ve gone into “panic mode” more anxiety bullshit!

In reality he should’ve just let his mother use his toilet, told anxiety girlfriend that’s what’s happening or suck up his mum seeing his house disgusting again! (If that’s the reason).

*given him a clear reminder

@Katmandu78

”panic mode” about his mam wanting to use his bog?! Fuck me…

Why? She does seem to have a mental illness and it's not a shameful thing. The pp didn't use the word crazy by the way.

I agree that he should have found a way around the issue. Surely he could have warned you to use the toilets at the restaurant given that you had a long journey ahead of you.

Where dis it say he said no twice?