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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest a weekday-focused custody schedule around shift work?

104 replies

TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:13

We’re working out a custody schedule for DD5. I have a shift job, and I am able to make more at the weekend. I’m remarried and have DDS13.

I’ve proposed that I have DD5 Monday-Thursday and exDP have her Thursday night - Monday morning.

exDP has said he doesn’t agree with this and is “concerned” I don’t have any full days with her. My argument is that my work is more inflexible, and I’ll have holidays etc where I am able to spend time with DD.

ExDp has proposed we alternate weeks, eg first week like I said and then the second week he does Monday-Thursday and then we switch back.

so

week 1: Monday - Thursday (me) Thursday - Sunday (him)

week 2: Monday - Thursday (him), Thursday - Sunday (me)

this will make work difficult for me, I’ve also suggested I can take adhoc weekend days if it will help but he’s refused,

he wants to go to meditation now

aibu to suggest this? For context he’s a 9-5 and he gets every weekend off work

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/04/2026 08:15

You can suggest what you like but the other person doesn’t have to accept it and if you can’t agree it’ll go to mediation.

Diarygirlqueen · 27/04/2026 08:17

I agree with your expartner.

sittingonabeach · 27/04/2026 08:17

How long have you been split up and what were custody arrangements before (I’m slightly confused by the remarried bit)

Decacaffeinatednow · 27/04/2026 08:19

I think her dad is right. Presumably she’s at school so she will only be with you on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

MidnightPatrol · 27/04/2026 08:19

I can see many problems with your planned arrangement.

And I agree it is not ideal for you to not see her on any days off - she’s only 5. So you will only ever see her for the day during her school holidays?

And no doubt your ex probably doesn’t want to have every weekend on his own either.

I don’t think you being able to earn more at the weekend is a good enough justification for this arrangement - less time with your (very young) DD, and expecting your ex to arrange his life around it.

Original poster
TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:19

sittingonabeach · 27/04/2026 08:17

How long have you been split up and what were custody arrangements before (I’m slightly confused by the remarried bit)

We split up before DD was born. Current schedule is

Monday, Tuesday (me), Wednesday Thursday (him), Friday, Saturday (him) Sunday (me). He wants this changed as sometimes I can’t do the Sunday as shifts come up at work.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 27/04/2026 08:20

When you say that you can earn more at the weekend and/or shifts come up on a Sunday, are you choosing to work weekends or are you required to?

Original poster
TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:22

mynameiscalypso · 27/04/2026 08:20

When you say that you can earn more at the weekend and/or shifts come up on a Sunday, are you choosing to work weekends or are you required to?

My rota changes every week, but they are always short and there’s an expectation you take shifts when they’re offered. If I say no, I won’t get the shift offered to me again. I’m currently saving for a house and it’s hard to turn down work.

OP posts:
Yoheresthestory · 27/04/2026 08:23

I think I’m with the dad on this, sorry OP. His plan seems fairer and more stable for everyone.

Tableforjoan · 27/04/2026 08:23

Sounds like your job isn’t that compatible.

You should want some weekends with your child. He would assuming would like some weekends off.

Week ends are where the hobbies and birthday party’s, days out and making sure homework is done once she is older.

Week days are just school maybe a play date book fed bath bed.

fireworksandflowers · 27/04/2026 08:24

As someone who’s ex works shifts and wants to drop visits around last minute shifts, I’m with your ex. It’s not fair for everyone else to revolve around your shifts. Some set structure around them is frustrating enough but for a Sunday to be decided week to week, definitely not.

Doggymummar · 27/04/2026 08:24

I think you need to push back at work. Your a parent and you have to pu5 your child first. Tell them you'll take every shift you can, but when you have custody you can't.

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 08:26

I'm a bit confused. You have a 5yo but you've since remarried? So what has the custody schedule been so far? How long have you been seperated? Seems like a lot of things have happened in a short timeframe given your DD is only 5.

IMO, your schedule doesn't work because it doesn't give your ex any midweek parenting time so he can't possibly be as involved in schooling or extracurriculars etc. It also means that your DD5 gets pretty much no quality time with you, just a few hours after school. When does your SD live with you (what days)?

Most judges like the idea of alternating weekends so each parent has access full weekend to plan something (e.g. going away for a weekend, visits with family etc).

My SS does M/T at Mums, W/T at Dads and then alternates weekends. It works well but isn't for everyone.

millymollymoomoo · 27/04/2026 08:27

Your ex schedule is basically one week in one week off. This could work better for your child as far less chopping and changing than current routine. And your proposal leaves him no weekends free and you don’t see dc much

Decacaffeinatednow · 27/04/2026 08:28

Is your husband a factor in this proposal?

Geneticsbunny · 27/04/2026 08:30

You need to arrrange child care if you are working whilst in charge of your child. It sounds like you are juat asking him to have her every sunday instead which is not ok.

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 08:35

TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:22

My rota changes every week, but they are always short and there’s an expectation you take shifts when they’re offered. If I say no, I won’t get the shift offered to me again. I’m currently saving for a house and it’s hard to turn down work.

Show quote history

OP, have you posted before under a different username?

If you willingly choose to work Sundays and forfeit time with your young child, why can't your husband look after her?

Who is instigating the change in custody schedule? What ye have now actually seems very reasonable.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/04/2026 08:37

Full weeks at each parent (his suggestion) is quite a long time away from the other parent.
He's suggesting alternate weeks, with the swap being mid week.
You’re suggesting a steady pattern where he has her slightly more and over the weekends.

It’s unusual, as I think your suggestion is more often made by Dads and the mum usually complains she doesn’t get weekends and he doesn’t pull his weight on school issues.

Theolittle · 27/04/2026 08:42

why not have an alternate weekend each and have set days during the week?

Original poster
TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:43

He’s brought this up as he says it’s needs to be more stable for DD. His wife is also pregnant so I assume she’s had a say in it too.

Basically he’s said, currently it’s too unstable for DD as she asks all the time where she is going/who’s picking her up. he also said it will cut out any handovers because one will drop at school and the other pick up, so we won’t need to drop off over the weekend.

I understand the need to split weekends but I can’t offer that stability at the moment.

hes also mentioned that I can’t “get every weekend to myself”, for example, if I’m off Saturday (on the day he has DD), he thinks I shouldn’t pick up a shift Sunday. which I do understand but these thinks are unpredictable.

my argument is that if he wants predictability, then let’s say I can’t do weekends at all - does that make sense ?

OP posts:
2026newname · 27/04/2026 08:43

It all seems to be about what is best for you, with no consideration for anyone else.

BudgetBuster · 27/04/2026 08:46

TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:43

He’s brought this up as he says it’s needs to be more stable for DD. His wife is also pregnant so I assume she’s had a say in it too.

Basically he’s said, currently it’s too unstable for DD as she asks all the time where she is going/who’s picking her up. he also said it will cut out any handovers because one will drop at school and the other pick up, so we won’t need to drop off over the weekend.

I understand the need to split weekends but I can’t offer that stability at the moment.

hes also mentioned that I can’t “get every weekend to myself”, for example, if I’m off Saturday (on the day he has DD), he thinks I shouldn’t pick up a shift Sunday. which I do understand but these thinks are unpredictable.

my argument is that if he wants predictability, then let’s say I can’t do weekends at all - does that make sense ?

Would you consider actually thinking about your daughters needs rather than just what suits you? Again, where is your husband in all this. You are quick to comment on his wife but staying v queit on your own spouse.

And yes, there's currently alot of moving around for a 5 yo! Seems like he is trying to work something out in her interests and you're digging your heels in because your job is more important.

Whinge · 27/04/2026 08:47

I understand the need to split weekends but I can’t offer that stability at the moment.

You can, you just don't want to. You're choosing to work the Sundays, it's not a fixed work day, the extra shifts are optional.

my argument is that if he wants predictability, then let’s say I can’t do weekends at all - does that make sense ?

You would rather work than spend time with your young daughter?

Clowningaroun · 27/04/2026 08:48

TwixNumber1 · 27/04/2026 08:43

He’s brought this up as he says it’s needs to be more stable for DD. His wife is also pregnant so I assume she’s had a say in it too.

Basically he’s said, currently it’s too unstable for DD as she asks all the time where she is going/who’s picking her up. he also said it will cut out any handovers because one will drop at school and the other pick up, so we won’t need to drop off over the weekend.

I understand the need to split weekends but I can’t offer that stability at the moment.

hes also mentioned that I can’t “get every weekend to myself”, for example, if I’m off Saturday (on the day he has DD), he thinks I shouldn’t pick up a shift Sunday. which I do understand but these thinks are unpredictable.

my argument is that if he wants predictability, then let’s say I can’t do weekends at all - does that make sense ?

Your poor child! It’s all about you and not what is best for your daughter. Get a new job if this one doesn’t work

allmycats · 27/04/2026 08:52

The current split seems that you only have your child Monday/Tuesday and Sunday. So the only full day is Sunday as she is usually at school Monday and Tuesday. You are wanting to prioritise your own want’s over your child. It’s not all about you, when you have children their welfare and needs come first.