AIBU to suggest a weekday-focused custody schedule around shift work?

[TwixNumber1]

We’re working out a custody schedule for DD5. I have a shift job, and I am able to make more at the weekend. I’m remarried and have DDS13.

I’ve proposed that I have DD5 Monday-Thursday and exDP have her Thursday night - Monday morning.

exDP has said he doesn’t agree with this and is “concerned” I don’t have any full days with her. My argument is that my work is more inflexible, and I’ll have holidays etc where I am able to spend time with DD.

ExDp has proposed we alternate weeks, eg first week like I said and then the second week he does Monday-Thursday and then we switch back.

so

week 1: Monday - Thursday (me) Thursday - Sunday (him)

week 2: Monday - Thursday (him), Thursday - Sunday (me)

this will make work difficult for me, I’ve also suggested I can take adhoc weekend days if it will help but he’s refused,

he wants to go to meditation now

aibu to suggest this? For context he’s a 9-5 and he gets every weekend off work

This is not an easy fix and I don’t think your proposal is fair no. I agree with your ex that your child needs some regular full days with you.

Go to mediation and open yourself up to other possibilities such as refusing some weekend work.

Is this job suited to parenting? Are you better looking for other more suitable roles?

I'd look for a more predictable job, I don't think this works for anyone but you. He's not being unreasonable.

I am just sorry for the child.

How about you just done week in week out? At least give her a full week somewhere

So you want to palm your 5 year old off so you can work overtime to buy a house with your new husband and his child? I’d be devastated to only have 3 evenings with my child esp at that age where school is exhausting and they’ll be in bed by 7. Months pure basically asking for a few hours with your child while ex gets every weekend?

Your poor DD. At 5 she needs some stability which your proposed schedule doesn't give her. I'm with her dad on this or , as a pp suggested, she stays with him and you have alternating weekends and maybe a day in the week.

So is he the main parent as he'll have her 4 nights? Poor DD, shes only 5.

You can still work weekends, just every other weekend.

Most parents would hate the idea of only spending time with them a few hours before and after school and school holidays. Don't you miss doing fun things with her at least every other weekend and are fine waiting 6 weeks?

Your poor daughter. It really is all about you isnt it 🤦‍♀️ another one who hopes you're paying child maintenance to your ex as he seems to be the only parent who actually cares about her

This is so sad :-(
Do you actually want to spend time with her? This new plan is awful for everyone. I think if you honestly aren't interested in parenting your child, you should have her live at her dad's and you pay maintenance. Hopefully he is willing to do that, otherwise this poor child has no one.

Also confused as to why your current partner isn't part of this conversation, but suppose this child doesn't need any other disinterested adults around.

I'll say to you what I would to a man asking the question; you need to change your work to fit around your child. Now that she is school age, it is important to have some weekend time together.

Your child is small for the blink of an eye.

I worked shifts for years and this only works when you are in a couple. Sorry but you need to change some things up for your daughter.

Sorry OP but my view is that all parents need to arrange their jobs around the children, not the other way around.

I think this is especially true when the parents are seperated and even more stability is required for the children.

Yes this. Every second weekend you focus on your child. This isn’t really too high a bar for parenting and your child needs this.

So he gets (guessing the numbers):

• 14 hours with her awake on Saturday
• 14 hours with her awake on Sunday
• 8 hours with her awake and not at school on Friday
• 8 hours with her awake and not at school on Thursday + Monday

Equals 44 hours.

Whereas you get:

• 8 hours with her awake and not at school on Tuesday
• 8 hours with her awake and not at school on Wednesday
• 8 hours with her awake and not at school on Thursday + Monday

Equals 24 hours.

Can't you see why this feels unbalanced?

I work every other weekend (12 hour day shifts) to max out unsocial hours premium and give me every other weekend with DD. I have a second 9-5 part time job during the week, although am trying to increase my hours in my main job but there are operational/ financial issues ongoing where i work, but these hours would need to fit with out 5:2;2;5 split, so not sure how successful i will be at negotiating.

I did consider what you are suggesting OP, but didn't ever want to commit to every weekend working, and covering the majority of the weekdays in the school holidays didn't quite balance things back out, with what i was proposing (2 out of 3 weekends worked, was I think what i came up with at one point)

The other difficulties with (12 hour) shift work that I found was that I couldn't have DD the night before, due to very early start and couldn't reliably pick her up before her bed time after due to risk of late finishes, which really impacts on planning a good split.

From a mediation/ court point of view (we have never gone down this route) my my understanding is that if shift work was fine for you during the marriage your ex can't just suddenly dictate that you get a different job now, so you have a degree of power in this situation, and he will need to compromise.

When you take the extra shifts on a Sunday do you have the manners to ask him first or do you just assume he’ll have your DD?

Thats quite probably what is driving the push for change. You’re assuming that your choice to take extra shifts (for good reason or otherwise) means he has to step in. He’s also then the one dealing with your DD being upset or confused.

If you were a man you’d be getting a much harder time on here for choosing extra shifts over your child and expecting your ex to facilitate you chopping and changing times.

Surely this has to be a reverse? In my experience, mums don’t think like this and would give anything to spend weekend time with their very young child.

This sort of shit usually comes from (some!) dads who would rather do anything than spend weekend time with their kids.

So currently you have her on Sundays but sometimes you say you can't because you want to go to work.

That's no ok OP. You are messing her around.

You're the one who didn't stick to the schedule.

Do you pay maintenance with the current schedule of him having more? Because if you go 50/50 and not paying maintenance it will even out anyway? And you'll see your child more

I'm going out on a limb here but I think this poster has written before on this subject but under a different username. She hasn't actually said I'm wrong either when I've asked on this thread.

If it is the same poster then part of the issue is that on the weekdays where the OP had her daughter, she was dropping her daughter off at her exes early in the morning for him or his wife to bring to school and expecting either her family or the ex to do afterschool pickup etc. Essentially some weekd she only saw her daughter for an hour a day, others she didn't see her because the daughter would be in bed again before she got home.

The OP is remarried but her husband doesn't do anything much with her daughter and won't look after the child during OPs access as he is out doing stuff with his own older DD.

I’m afraid I agree with this. I’m a single parent and have deliberately chosen a career/job where I am required to work office hours only. Working shifts as a parent is only doable if there is another parent at home IMO.

You are being unreasonable OP and your ex is right, it’s not stable for your DD.

I had this sort of 'shit' from my exH. That i was a bad mother because i couldn't instantly change my hours (a pattern i had followed for the enterity of our marriage) to suit an idealised 50/50 coparenting schedule. I had to balance the need to be able to prove my income on paper in order to apply for a mortgage and purchase a suitable home for me and my DD, I also had to negotiate any changes via my employers flexible working policy, I couldn't just march into my managers office and demand what my exH wanted.
Luckily my boss was very empathetic and sorted things as quickly as he reasonbly could once I was in a position to ask.
But I am not a bad Mum for being a Paramedic, and securing mine (and therefore my DDs) financial future.

It's pretty sexist to think that only men work shifts in professions they've worked hard for and are proud of.

I’m with your ex here. Why should he so every single weekend! That’s not fair at all

If it's your weekend and you work on the Saturday or the Sunday (not both parents can't do that) why can't your husband her stepfather watch her? DH works every other Saturday as overtime because the money is good, so I do get it but why isn't she part of the routine in your home? You see her a couple of afternoons after school which is not much once they are home, homework , dinner, bath, bed and Sundays and you already miss some Sundays and are proposing to do none. Why don't you want to spend time with your child? I really really feel for her