AIBU to suggest a weekday-focused custody schedule around shift work?

[TwixNumber1]

We’re working out a custody schedule for DD5. I have a shift job, and I am able to make more at the weekend. I’m remarried and have DDS13.

I’ve proposed that I have DD5 Monday-Thursday and exDP have her Thursday night - Monday morning.

exDP has said he doesn’t agree with this and is “concerned” I don’t have any full days with her. My argument is that my work is more inflexible, and I’ll have holidays etc where I am able to spend time with DD.

ExDp has proposed we alternate weeks, eg first week like I said and then the second week he does Monday-Thursday and then we switch back.

so

week 1: Monday - Thursday (me) Thursday - Sunday (him)

week 2: Monday - Thursday (him), Thursday - Sunday (me)

this will make work difficult for me, I’ve also suggested I can take adhoc weekend days if it will help but he’s refused,

he wants to go to meditation now

aibu to suggest this? For context he’s a 9-5 and he gets every weekend off work

This. When do you actually spend time with her or is it after school before bed? And mornings? Are you remarried?

This is one of the reasons my mum worked as a teacher because in those days the day ended at 3.30pm (not now), she also got all holidays. Had to retrain and take A levels at night school as a single mother. Could you retrain/reapply for a more child friendly hours job?

Your current plan involves way too much chopping and changing. Kids hate the movement between households. Our now teens say it was the worst thing about divorce. Now two will only visit their mum but don’t stay - not because she’s a bad person but because they want to feel settled in one place.
my DH would have loved to have had his kids every weekend - but I think he’s a unicorn in that regard

A Self-centred OP that clearly doesnt give a fuck about their young child.

Welcome to the world, where its really hard to juggle/balance responsibility to children/financial commitments.

Time to think about your priorities.

Sorry yes I think YABU, both because of the fact that you will literally never have a weekend day with your DD during term time but also because you expect him to have her every weekend. I think both are U and his idea is better.

I do have complete sympathy with you wanting to work, but surely if you do Saturdays this would be sufficient? If you take every Saturday shift going wouldn’t this be enough. Then have your DD on a Sunday. Or ask your partner to look after her on occasion.

I agree with your DP that suggesting ad hoc weekends with you is likely to be confusing and unsettling for a 5 yr old.

If there really is no other way, could you try to reason with your ex-partner that this is for a short time and guarantee that after 6 months you’ll rethink? And then try your absolute best to save every penny for those 6 months.

I think what's confusing me is how work can both be so short staffed that they constantly need more people while simultaneously be going to never offer you an extra shift again if you turn it down?

YABU - stop saying yes to every extra shift at the weekend end and spend some quality time wit your daughter.

If this is the case. I don't think OP necessarily needs a new job, but she needs to be more assertive and organised, so that she isn't starting a shift on days when she has her DD. She also needs to learn to say 'no' and stick to her parenting schedule, even if saving takes longer, that's just part and parcel of being single unfortunatly.

My Ex also does 'Daddy afterschool club' on days I work 9-5 but this is an agreement we made in order to keep DD in her lovely school that unfortunatly provides no wrap around care, but DD understands this.

But the key is that things are scheduled in advance and everyone knows what is going on.

Team exdp here. So you don't want to ever do fun things at the weekend with your 5yr old dd? These years pass by so quickly op.

Again, I'm assuming it's the same OP because the stories are basically identical. From memory the issue was that the OP was taking all extra shifts regardless of whether she had her daughter or not, refused to pay toward wrap around car for breakfast club because she thought her husband and his wife should just do the extra childcare and essentially the DD was in a very disruptive routine (sometimes sleeping at her Dad's, her grandmother's or her mothers but then having to get up early to be shipped off somewhere). Also the OP expected the exes wife to do a lot of the childcare but her own husband did absolutely none.

Your situation seems to work out because you and your ex can co-parent and communicate and try to do what's best for your child. Unfortunately the OP wasn't as organised.

You can't work every weekend. You have a child and unless you palm her off to her father as primary custodial parent, he doesn't have to do his custody time to fit you trying to earn extra money by changing the custody setup that already favours you.

Either change custody to him as primary and pay child support, or stick with your current custody schedule and pick up extra shifts at other times. You're trying to balance making more money and saving for a house with a new husband and your daughter's needs and the one you have let slip the most is the one that you should be proritizing, your daughter's needs.

I’m with your ex on this. You barely spend time with your dd. He’s correct. You can’t expect him to have every single weekend while you do barely any childcare. That’s ridiculous.

You need to think of your child. Only having weekdays with you and weekends with dad seems to mean she's not getting quality time with you. With a new baby on the way too for your ex it's likely DD might feel a bit pushed out at both parents houses. A judge will put the needs of the child over parents wish to work every weekend and a lot like to do EOW at each parent so the children get even quality time.

If you go to court, that contact will be court ordered and workplaces generally respect this and will plan shifts around it. I know someone whose partner was trying to do the same and used a similar argument about not getting weekend shifts if they turned them down. When his contact was court ordered he took it into work and they planned his weekend shifts around the court order.

Ex's plan works better and there is a lot of shuttling of DD between homes currently which is unsettling for a child. One of DD's friends has a similar arrangement to your current one and she constantly has an overnight bag at school full of things for the other parent and favourite teddy and never seems to know who is collecting her, it makes her quite anxious at times. She's been round for playdates before and it's always one parent drops off and the other collects and she always asks who it is that's collecting, what time ect. Poor kid seems to live out of an overnight bag. It's a bit of a nightmare all round as it involves speaking to both parents and co-ordinating 3 ways, she's missed multiple parties because the invite went to the parent whose contact day it wasn't and never got passed across and then has been sad at school when everyone is talking about the party. I know of multiple incidents where arguments between the parents have broken out because of the constant shuffling between houses and the poor kid is always in the middle.

I don’t say this often - but I agree with dad.

the current arrangement sounds awful for DD.

I can’t offer that stability at the moment.

You can, but you're choosing not to. You are choosing to prioritize work over family.

Exactly. Your ex could drop dead tomorrow. What becomes of your DD then?

Week on week off.

Continuity for your DD as she knows she is settled for a good while each week rather than shifting constantly, and both of her parents get the full spectrum of school, fun and time off.

Change over on a Monday so no hand over as can be done on a school day.

Everyone knows where they are.

You take shifts on the weekends you are not with your daughter.

If work are as short staffed as you make out, there is no way they will stop offering shifts if you turn them down; when they need someone to work, they need someone to work. They’re not going to leave a shift uncovered and not ask you are they?

Agree with other posters OP; you are prioritising everything but your daughter. Step up and do your best by her - it is the least she deserves from her mother.

Regardless of stability for your child (which absolutely should come first), i work in the NHS and I’m a divorced co-parent. If childcare arrangements stayed as you want them to, you would be paying so much CMS that I don’t think the extra shift would be financially worth it anyway. Even at a Sunday rate.

Week on week off. So much better for your DD.

You can't opt out of all weekends.

Is your husband pressuring you to earn more so you can buy a home and also have your daughter out of the house every weekend?

The schedule she is asking for is Mon to Thursday with her, Thursday -Monday with him.

Only because the Dad has expressed the daughter is unhappy. The current schedule means that some weeks she only sees her daughter Mon & Tues.

The OP didn't propose the new schedule herself to get more access.

Tbh I don't think the Mon-Thurs/Thurs-Mon schedule is that bad a suggestion as it gives the little girl a few solid days in each home, however it definitely should be alternated.

It's not fair on the little one to have no 'fun' time with her mum and it's also not fair on dad and his wife (and shortly, their new baby) to never have a weekend to themselves.

If you are saving for a house OP then that is surely a joint endeavour between you and your new husband?? In which case you should not need to work every weekend to get the money together and tbh if it takes a bit longer if you don't accept those shifts on the weekends you should have your daughter then so be it.

Does it genuinely not bother you to not have any weekends off with your little girl??

In your proposal he becomes the main resident parent and you’ll need to pay child maintenance has you factored that into your costs?
if you’re the non resident parent you can’t be forced to do anything so if you refuse to have your child on weekends there’s no a lot he can do!

Plenty of men do this and get away with this