AIBU to suggest a weekday-focused custody schedule around shift work?

[TwixNumber1]

We’re working out a custody schedule for DD5. I have a shift job, and I am able to make more at the weekend. I’m remarried and have DDS13.

I’ve proposed that I have DD5 Monday-Thursday and exDP have her Thursday night - Monday morning.

exDP has said he doesn’t agree with this and is “concerned” I don’t have any full days with her. My argument is that my work is more inflexible, and I’ll have holidays etc where I am able to spend time with DD.

ExDp has proposed we alternate weeks, eg first week like I said and then the second week he does Monday-Thursday and then we switch back.

so

week 1: Monday - Thursday (me) Thursday - Sunday (him)

week 2: Monday - Thursday (him), Thursday - Sunday (me)

this will make work difficult for me, I’ve also suggested I can take adhoc weekend days if it will help but he’s refused,

he wants to go to meditation now

aibu to suggest this? For context he’s a 9-5 and he gets every weekend off work

If you can’t or rather won’t offer that stability then maybe he needs to be the main resident parent with you just having her every so often.

It the poor mite is always asking who’s getting her and where she is going to be this isn’t working for her and that’s the only person that actually matters in this. She must be so anxious.

Current schedule is very chippy changey for your child so no wonder she never knows who is picking her up.

you seem to want this to simply fit you- not anyone else. Your shift patterns need to change it seems or you need to say you’re not available

So you are happy to barely see your child and have all your weekends to do as you please?
Very selfish

Not to do as I please, to work

But you're choosing to work. The extra shifts are optional. I just cannot wrap my head around anyone actually choosing to spend time at work, over spending time with their young child.

It isn’t really optional to work. Parents who work weekends to pay bills are still parents. If they lived together and had the same pattern, would you still feel OP shouldn’t work weekends?
It’s really normal for a couple to work this pattern.

no, these are extra shifts op is being offered.

She(?) needs to say she is not available as she has her child, or her new husband(wife) can support OP and look after the child.

Its not fair to say "I might be busy" - to be honest, thats just shitty really

But these are optional additional shifts.
The OP has said she often picks up extra shifts on a Sunday (not rostered shifts) and doesn't take her daughter. Of course that's confusing for the child

I understand that people work weekends, however OP is choosing to accept additonal shifts, rather than spending time with her daughter. A daughter who is struggling with the constant changing of days. OP is able to say no to these extra shifts, she's choosing not to.

It is reasonable of him to expect you to cover some weekend days.

Also as she gets older DD will notice and care if you never choose to spend weekends with her.

It's not as simple as work always takes priority over caring for DD. Often the world doesn't end if you ask for a bit of flex from work for childcare reasons. But they don't just hand it out, they respond to those who need and ask for it.

I'd be unimpressed if a dad was expecting to arrange things this way so it's the same for you. You will have to tell work that you can only take weekend shifts every other weekend. Or look for another job. Or get your husband to look after daughter every other Sunday.

@TwixNumber1 Are you by any chance also dropping your daughter to his house before school on your days?

Have you had a name change because you've posted before and got blasted? Bacj then you said you'd start looking for a new job but you're here again now bedding down on you workkng whatever shift you want and your ex and his wife picking up your slack.

I hope you're paying him CMS because he has majority custody atm.

Can't you come to an agreement that treats school holidays differently than term-time? (as presumably it's easier for you to have time off work on those weekdays whereas he would have to use up his annual leave)?
Then have a new agreement which starts with the new autumn term?

What does your daughter think? would she like to have a whole week with one parent, then a whole week with the other one? or would that be too long for her?

If you decide to do one week on, one week off, why not swap over on Wednesdays?

I think that in the long run, you'd ideally each have her for at least one full weekend per month.

And ideally you'd both allow for some flexibility, but make the arrangements well in advance - minimising any last-minute changes. It sounds like your work is offering you extra shifts -and/or you're agreeing to them- at fairly short notice, and that's not fair on the other people involved.

So when you buy the house you will want to work less & have daughter more. Are you just expecting your ex to facilitate this.

you are being very unreasonable never mind the fact that you are barely seeing your dd.

Isn’t it usual that if you have to work on your child care time you would arrange care for the child. You should be doing alternate weeks as the ex has suggested and ensuring that you have childcare for the times you have to work not expecting your ex to pretty much give up his life so you can work. You aren’t a partnership anymore

Which is why she’s trying to change the schedule so there’s no messing. Sundays will always be with Dad.

Every weekend will be with Dad... which isn't what is best for the child.

If the daughter is with her dad every Sunday then she will only spend 2 days a week with her mum, none of which are full days as she will be at school.

Op has said this is the current schedule - Monday, Tuesday (me), Wednesday Thursday (him), Friday, Saturday (him) Sunday (me).

So OP would have her daughter for just the Monday and Tuesday, and would prefer to keep every Sunday available for work, rather than see her daughter. You really don't see a problem with that?

YABVU. I assume you are paying him child maintenance yes?

I think it’s unfair dad does all the weekends. I think k you’ll have to arrange something at work if the schedules set in stone it does sound better.

Your suggested arrangement means you will only be spending about 20 hours a week with your child, that's assuming she doesn't use breakfast club and after school club. This includes school mornings, which unless she is a very early riser are just a rush getting ready rather than any quality time. Same for after school really, tea, homework, bath takes up a chunk of that time rather than having quality time together. Do you really want so little time with your 5 year old?

Is your dh pressuring you to do this @TwixNumber1 ?

To work, as you please.

Your job isn’t suitable - it’s not for everyone else to work around your job. Shift work is very difficult with children.

Good question.

You might want to submit a flexible working request to toyr employer to work day shifts. Worth a try and shows you are doing what you can to arrange things fairly.

Basically he’s said, currently it’s too unstable for DD as she asks all the time where she is going/who’s picking her up.
im with your ex here, this sounds very difficult for a child. It’s important for my 4yo in a stable home to know what day it is and who’s picking her up from nursery, she’d have proper anxiety all the time if she had this pattern.