Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Yes, of course I agree!
MN is supposed to be supportive.
Even if OP had been speaking out of some kind of petty jealousy, which I'm sure she wasn't, how could she deserve the kind of witch hunt she's had turned on her?
IMO this type of 'pile on' is far, far worse, and shows much worse character than anything she's done.
It's the sheer lack of proportion, as well as the finger pointing and aggression.
Are we really supposed to think she deserves to be given the cold treatment for the rest of her life because of that?
If that's what her DDIL has in mind, which I hope is not the case, then she is worse than OP x 10.

Why is that crazy? What's to say dil is harbouring this? What's to say she and the son have not made a joint decision to step back given ops pattern of criticism and lack of tact? Why is the dil the only one to blame here?

It sounds like OP is able to spend plenty of time with her GC, which is what this is about. She doesn’t sound sorry for what she said, just sorry that she can’t go round whenever she wants to.

You're making a lot of unkind and unfair assumptions here.
The reason she posted is because she was sorry about having unintentionally caused distress.
I sincerely hope OP hasn't been put off MN for life by the volume of nastiness that's been turned against her.
If you're reading this , by any chance, OP, please remember that there are loads of nice people on MN too. Just don't make yourself look vulnerable in future.And don't admit to being a MIL. Then you should be okay.🙂

You’re right. It doesn’t make it better. Young wives take time to get into running a house and a bit of dust killed no one. My DIL had dusty surfaces even 10 yrs on but she worked and had a child. I was reminded of my own youth, brought up to deep clean every day by a sadistic mother. My mil’s mil used to run a finger along door tops and wardrobes to check for dust..my mother was the same and I vowed if either came to visit, I’d empty the hoover bag out and make sure they’d find lots of dust . Bloody cheek to mention it. Damage done. Live with it. Apology would be too late for me.
Dropping in is never ok. Not ever. By arrangement only, even without a gaffe.
Why anyone would expect to be invited upstairs to change a nappy is beyond my understanding. Nobody except me ever changed any of my children..or bathed them…it’s no one else’s job. Grans are there to play and have fun. Though my mother never got to see my children or my grandchild.. play isn’t in her vocabulary.

Read the room
They don't want anyone just popping in because you're passing by
They're busy
Ask when it's okay to come over and don't hang around forever
Also you know those little jokes about her housekeeping and the other nasty things you said are not jokes
How would you like someone coming into your home and criticising you and your home?
I don't think you'd like it
It was mean and you know it

So apologize sincerely and if you feel the overwhelming urge to make a little joke just zip it and count to 100 and then just don't say it

Because there is the saying if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all

Eh? Is this a reverse or what?

unfortunately comments like that stick , if you’ve said that out loud then you posibbly have also said some other things as what you think is a “ joke “ I don’t think she’s being over sensitive or anything , I feel there is a lot of pressure on DILs from MILs, my MIL is the same and got to the point that I decided that I needed to protect my own peace and mental health and I don’t visit them anymore and haven’t for about 18 months now. And kept having the “ we don’t visit “ because they expected everyone to do as they wanted….. now we “ don’t visit “ Also changing a child’s dirty bum is not a “ fun “ thing to do so not sure why that has bothered you ? when it’s the DIL and not the daughter that has had the baby it would be natural for her to be closer to her own mum as you have said for how much you do for your own daughter , it’s just a different relationship that’s all .
I think maybe you could apologise but the damage is done and it’s obviously hurt and upset her that the bigger picture is she’s not kept on top of the housework and you’ve judged her for that .
why would your son be the one doing housework ? Honestly most men barely lift a finger as they’re “ out at work all day “ and think it’s all the woman’s job .
FYI I don’t like my own mother / father “ dropping into my house randomly “ so definitely wouldn’t accept it from MIL . I feel like grandparents feel they have this “ right “ to access to grandchildren as and when it suits them and absolutely not . you’ve had your children and the joy from them so remember you are simply the grandparent and not the parent .

You say that your DIL had dusty surfaces ten years on - that IS judgement! What I want to know is, how do people even know that surfaces are dusty? I can sincerely say that I have never, ever noticed the dust level on the surfaces of anyone's house I have ever been in. Do you all have bionic vision or something? 🤣

PP, you must have been running your finger along the surfaces to check for dust.

I can't believe people actually do that, but PP have talked about it!

I wouldn't bother running around, then. They're going to comment negatively anyway, so just relax before they come.

"She's keeping me from my grandchild" do you mean she's keeping you from their child? Grandparents don't have any rights.

How has your relationship been for the past 3+ years before grandchild was born?

It’s weird to be so keen to change your grandsons nappy frankly. Just why?

No. OP posted because she resents only being permitted to visit when it has been pre-arranged. She’s written off her comments as “jokes” - so isn’t sorry at all. What would that apology look like? “I’m sorry you misconstrued my humour”?

I think it’s probably way too late to foster any kind of relationship with your DIL now . If you feel sincere in your apology then do so but not with any ulterior motive.
I wouldn’t like you very much either tbh after comments like that, my MIL has
been the same towards me over the years and our relationship is ok but no more than that

No, I didn’t run my finger along..it was the television table and I was putting a new candle on it..and being a black surface, moving the old candle to replace it left a clean circle. Or I’d never have been close enough to see. I only remembered because of this thread

I’m sure you know you’re being disingenuous here. The dust comment will be the tip of the iceberg.

Really?

From her son- "He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig."

You're not her mum first and foremost. She wouldn't be sharing precious babe moments with you like your daughter would anyway. Sorry, but that's how it often is.
And you've made digs in the past, whether intended 'jokingly' or not. Of course that's going to upset her. It would upset me as well.
So yes, apologise, understand she doesn't trust you and that as a new mum she's likely exhausted and hormonal anyway, and find a way to build bridges and move forward.

“Do you think I should apologise?”

Why on earth are you coming here asking a load of strangers if you should apologise? You know full well it’s the right thing to do. You were rude and your DIL has been hurt by your comments, you are aware of this. Regardless of your intentions you have hurt someone with your words and your lack of awareness so you should be saying sorry. You shouldn’t need the opinion of the MN brigade to tell you to do that right thing.

“or is there a better way to move past it?”

evidently not as time has passed and now you are on the receiving end of the consequences of your words.

Just say sorry. And don’t make it about you.

I think you put your foot in it and then continued to do so by the second comment.
mums are always closer to the daughter than the DIL, and you should really have just said on first going there that you never care how you find the house, as it’s them you’ve come to see and not how well they clean.
please don’t fall into that trap of talking well about one without doing it about the person you’re with.
personally I’d asked her out for coffee and explain that you were nervous on going to theirs, and may have said something off hand which has put your relationship off kilter. Apologise and tell her you don’t expect a spotless house if you drop by.

I love watching my baby granddaughter having her nappy changed, her little kicky legs and her little creases and chubby thighs !

I’m sorry OP but your DIL is determined to bear a grudge. Continue to be polite to her, see the DGC as much as you are allowed. I wouldn’t apologise as I think it will only make things worse, and show that you place as much importance on the little quip as she does.
If you really want to mend bridges try to get to know her a little better. Invite her out for a coffee or a shopping trip (without the children).
Try to maintain a decent relationship with your son. Too often men just let their own relationships and friendships slip in order to please their wives and this is not good for anyone in the long run.
As someone who has spent years treading on eggshells in order to maintain contact with my grandchildren you certainly have my sympathy. Generally speaking, MILs can’t her anything right.

You're asking OP to lie!

If you're not a troll then I'm not surprised your DIL is off with you!

Can I ask why you feel like you should be involved in nappy changes and bath time? What purpose would that serve exactly? I’ll be honest I’d find it strange if any member of my family wanted to see a child in various states of undress. Just, why?

And I most certainly would not have anyone pop in who ran their fingers across my furniture like that. I also do not like this concept of popping in - why should they work to your schedule? Why does it need to be spontaneous?