Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I havent voted as its not clear cut. To put it in to perspective, I dont think its because you are the 'in law', more as a result of your unintentional actions. I would be a bit offended if my own mother or MIL came round and commented on my messy house historically and/or recently. If this was years ago, and your son has indicated his partner has hung on to this, I think an apology from you is warranted. You have unintentionally hurt her feelings. But also, my personal opinion is that its not usually appropriate to comment on anyones house and its level of tidyness, ever, unless of course its a safeguarding issue, which I doubt it is. This is because we all live differently and have different levels of 'clean and tidy'.

If it was me, I would also be mindful not to frame my apology as a "Im sorry, I was only joking and didnt mean to offend you" rather, a "I have only just found out that my comments have upset you, I am so sorry, I didnt think, and was trying to pick fault with my son in light humuour." Maybe followed up with, "I think you are doing an amazing job, can we move on from this and I will try to be more thoughtful". This moves away from framing it as "your too sensitive, I was jokong" to a, "I will be more thoughful of your feelings next time".

The mentioning of your DDs house being immaculate, on top of your previous 'off the cuff' dust comments will definetly have added fuel to the fire. Especially if the latter comment about DD was after your son and DIL had their own baby. The sleep deprivation and hormones will have made if feel like a huge criticisim towards your DIL. Again, you probably didnt mean it, but in my opinion this will have been received as a passive aggressive dig.

I dont think you meant to do any harm, but as your son has highlighted, you have made a few comments and this has led to them not feeling comfortable with you being there when they are trying to parent a baby or caught off guard. All you can do is apologise and keep offering support when passing, they might surprise you and say yes in the future.

I disagree that ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet is the best thing to do when trying to build up a meaningful relationship with children and grandchildren.

That "little quip" has hurt someones feelings. It might seem small and insignificant, but its upset her DIL. If I found out I had upset someone, especially family, even if I hadnt meant to, I would apologise.

Theres walking on eggshells, which would be a big issues I agree, and then theres just not making comments on the cleanliness of someones home. I would say the latter is simple! They arent asking for the impossible, they are hurt by thoughtless comments and have rectified this by not letting the MIL round when its dusty. When asked why, theyve explained why they are uncomfortable. I think they acted fairly.

This is never going to change your relationship. My mother told me around 40 years ago that the reason my aunt was never invited round was because she did the dust finger thing once when my mum and dad (aunt’s brother) set up house. I think I saw my aunt 3 times in her lifetime because of that one incident. I have always remembered what she told me and will ensure (no matter how tempting it may be) that I never do that to my DD’s when they move out.
Little joke? It wasn’t really a joke was it? Let’s be honest.

What grudge? If her DIL really didn’t like her, she would have less access. Not forgetting rude remarks doesn’t make it a grudge and for all we know OP has done this plenty without realising. Her son has said she talks about how clean her DD’s home is and she has a baby. OP didn’t say when she said those remarks though.

OP says she sees their child regularly.

Why should OP get more access than she already gets? Why should OP be able to pop in whenever she desires when it is not her home?

I can guarantee you that every time your DIL has you round she feels on edge. Not sure what you can do to put this right tbh. I don’t think she’s punishing you, she just feels so uncomfortable around you.
maybe ask to meet them out like at the park or something or for lunch?
a relative of my DPs once commented in a similar way in our house and I can honestly say she has never set foot in our house since.

Oops. Seems that your little joke has backfired. Joking 'words' are bad enough but running your finger over the drawers is a step further. You were criticising your DILs cleaning which isnt nice. She probably just tolerates you now so only wants you there when your son is present.
You should apologise but its probably too late. Maybe think about your actions going forward to try not to upset people close to you.

“DIL is determined to bear a grudge.”

”MILs can’t get anything right.”

Many MILs certainly get things right and regularly do. You say that you walk on eggshells, but do you reflect on your actions and comments, and take accountability for those? Because here you are telling somebody not to apologise for something they have done when their actions and words have clearly hurt somebody’s feelings. Which then makes me wonder if that is how you also behave within your own family?

Your DIL is not the problem here.