Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

I havent voted as its not clear cut. To put it in to perspective, I dont think its because you are the 'in law', more as a result of your unintentional actions. I would be a bit offended if my own mother or MIL came round and commented on my messy house historically and/or recently. If this was years ago, and your son has indicated his partner has hung on to this, I think an apology from you is warranted. You have unintentionally hurt her feelings. But also, my personal opinion is that its not usually appropriate to comment on anyones house and its level of tidyness, ever, unless of course its a safeguarding issue, which I doubt it is. This is because we all live differently and have different levels of 'clean and tidy'.

If it was me, I would also be mindful not to frame my apology as a "Im sorry, I was only joking and didnt mean to offend you" rather, a "I have only just found out that my comments have upset you, I am so sorry, I didnt think, and was trying to pick fault with my son in light humuour." Maybe followed up with, "I think you are doing an amazing job, can we move on from this and I will try to be more thoughtful". This moves away from framing it as "your too sensitive, I was jokong" to a, "I will be more thoughful of your feelings next time".

The mentioning of your DDs house being immaculate, on top of your previous 'off the cuff' dust comments will definetly have added fuel to the fire. Especially if the latter comment about DD was after your son and DIL had their own baby. The sleep deprivation and hormones will have made if feel like a huge criticisim towards your DIL. Again, you probably didnt mean it, but in my opinion this will have been received as a passive aggressive dig.

I dont think you meant to do any harm, but as your son has highlighted, you have made a few comments and this has led to them not feeling comfortable with you being there when they are trying to parent a baby or caught off guard. All you can do is apologise and keep offering support when passing, they might surprise you and say yes in the future.

I disagree that ignoring it and brushing it under the carpet is the best thing to do when trying to build up a meaningful relationship with children and grandchildren.

That "little quip" has hurt someones feelings. It might seem small and insignificant, but its upset her DIL. If I found out I had upset someone, especially family, even if I hadnt meant to, I would apologise.

Theres walking on eggshells, which would be a big issues I agree, and then theres just not making comments on the cleanliness of someones home. I would say the latter is simple! They arent asking for the impossible, they are hurt by thoughtless comments and have rectified this by not letting the MIL round when its dusty. When asked why, theyve explained why they are uncomfortable. I think they acted fairly.

This is never going to change your relationship. My mother told me around 40 years ago that the reason my aunt was never invited round was because she did the dust finger thing once when my mum and dad (aunt’s brother) set up house. I think I saw my aunt 3 times in her lifetime because of that one incident. I have always remembered what she told me and will ensure (no matter how tempting it may be) that I never do that to my DD’s when they move out.
Little joke? It wasn’t really a joke was it? Let’s be honest.

What grudge? If her DIL really didn’t like her, she would have less access. Not forgetting rude remarks doesn’t make it a grudge and for all we know OP has done this plenty without realising. Her son has said she talks about how clean her DD’s home is and she has a baby. OP didn’t say when she said those remarks though.

OP says she sees their child regularly.

Why should OP get more access than she already gets? Why should OP be able to pop in whenever she desires when it is not her home?

I can guarantee you that every time your DIL has you round she feels on edge. Not sure what you can do to put this right tbh. I don’t think she’s punishing you, she just feels so uncomfortable around you.
maybe ask to meet them out like at the park or something or for lunch?
a relative of my DPs once commented in a similar way in our house and I can honestly say she has never set foot in our house since.

Oops. Seems that your little joke has backfired. Joking 'words' are bad enough but running your finger over the drawers is a step further. You were criticising your DILs cleaning which isnt nice. She probably just tolerates you now so only wants you there when your son is present.
You should apologise but its probably too late. Maybe think about your actions going forward to try not to upset people close to you.

“DIL is determined to bear a grudge.”

”MILs can’t get anything right.”

Many MILs certainly get things right and regularly do. You say that you walk on eggshells, but do you reflect on your actions and comments, and take accountability for those? Because here you are telling somebody not to apologise for something they have done when their actions and words have clearly hurt somebody’s feelings. Which then makes me wonder if that is how you also behave within your own family?

Your DIL is not the problem here.

I beg to differ. Someone who holds a grudge against another person for 4 years when all that person wants is a decent relationship with her grandchildren is definitely the problem.

I take it you are not a MIL, or a grandparent. Just wait. It’s a minefield.

Yeah it's madness. And I thought I was oversensitive. Complete mountain out of a molehill. No doubt in MN world it's no contact worthy though. Out in the real world people put their foot in their mouth sometimes, but that's not allowed anymore because we have to be robots and know exactly what to say 100% of the time. Or keep our mouths shut-which will also be seen as rude of course.

@Firefly1987

Are some of you those pop-in whenever they want types to other peoples homes regardless if the homeowner are the same?

OP herself literally has posted in the first paragraph that she sees her grandchild REGULARLY but she can only come when it’s planned. That is normal for many families.

Keeping your mouth shut about the cleanliness of someone’s home is just simple manners unless it is an obvious hazard and even then that’s a sit down conversation, not make remarks and wipe fingers across things. You and other posters like you are being more dramatic than you say DIL is over OP not being able to do what she wants and thinks she should be able to do.

Some have said the DIL allows her own mum to pop in but there is no evidence of that nor has MIL mentioned her DIL’s mum and if that were the case, wouldn’t OP mentioned that in her post.

People are allowed to have boundaries and decide who can pop in and who can’t. OP claims she had made one comment four years ago while her son has told her she has made several yet her DIL still has her over anyway. OP obviously has a thing about cleanliness and may have form that she doesn’t realise for making such remarks. Plenty of us know people like that.

Why assume that it’s a grudge when it could be the other way around and she is cleaning because she wants OP to like her and think she is a good mum and OP‘s wanting to help could be misconstrued as DIL thinking OP thinks she is struggling or just hadn’t occurred to her that OP would need to accompany her to nappy changes and such.

Would many of us clean for people we don’t like or want around? Others would not have OP around at all or only meet at OP’s home or out instead with such comments yet DIL still allows her to come over regularly.

Plus, her son doesn’t seem to have that much of an issue with how much she is allowed to visit since he’s only waited until his mum has said something to him about it.

DIL hasn’t done anything wrong but have her own boundaries about her own time in her own home.

OP is unreasonable for her expectations that she should be able to have the same access with this grandchild that she does with her daughter’s child which is what it really comes down to and what she is focused on.

She may have that in the future or she may not but so far she is still seeing the grandchild and that should be enough without trying to urge her DIL for more access.

It’s not about being a MIL or a grandparent. It’s about how you treat people in general - you respect other people’s boundaries and don’t be a dick. And if you upset someone you take accountability and apologise. It’s not hard. I can’t imagine being a grown adult and needing to ask other people if I needed to apologise.

A grudge is the person made a mistake, is genuinely sorry and you cling on anyway. The DIL here was on the end of a nasty comment, and rather than any contrition being shown just had years of hearing how well someone else was wife-ing.

The OP spent years reinforcing how much their previous comment was “right”

The OP has a decent relationship with her grandchild- she just isn’t being invited up to watch a nappy change…which why would you want to??

You have the definition of grudge wrong. Look it up. DIL’d behaviour is the definition of holding a grudge.

Grudge or not, OP is still seeing her grandchild regularly and should either apologise for her comments and be more mindful of making unnecessary, unwarranted comments about cleanliness for the future , leave things as they are and tell her DIL and son how well they ‘re doing as new parents (if she actually thinks that) or a combination as long as she can accept the access she has been given for now.

There's nothing worse than people popping in unexpectedly, even messaging & asking to visit at short notice, never mind visiting & wiping their finger in your dust - all of these would piss me off. Wanting to go upstairs to view a nappy change 😱 I know from experience that mothers of daughters vs mothers of daughter in laws can be totally different relationships but MIL hasn't got the insight to realise that. I wonder how many conversations MIL passes on to her daughter about DIL.

Apologising now would just drag it all up again - I'd start making compliments instead: make her feel good instead reminding her of that time you made her feel bad.

From the little that the OP has posted it seems that she is just upset that she isn't able to dictate how and when she sees "her" grandchild.

What the OP should start to do is respect the actual parents' boundaries that have been put in place by her actions

You are clearly a nightmare mil. On what planet do you think it’s ok to run your finger along furniture in someone else’s house and tell them they haven’t dusted properly? Don’t pretend you thought your son did the cleaning, don’t pretend it was a joke. That is exactly the type of thing my mil did and I hated her guts. I think you’re lucky the your dil lets you anywhere near her baby.

Absolutely no way would I have my MIL pop by spontaneously - especially not if I knew she was either openly or secretly judging my housekeeping standards.

I think you need to accept that some people like/need to plan their lives and don't have the time, energy or mental head space to make room for spontaneous visits because the would be visitor happend to be in the area and it would suit them - and likely only them - to drop by at a drop of a hat

Your relationship with a DIL is always going to be different to the one you have with your own daughter. However it looks like your DIL felt criticised by your comment about the dust and then the further comment about your daughter's house and is understandably upset. Unless you are going to apologise unreservedly, without saying it was just a joke, it's probably too late now. She is always going to feel she needs to clean thoroughly before you come round and won't want you dropping in without notice and sadly you created that situation. The best you can do now is be more thoughtful about what you say and be kind and supportive.

Wow that’s shitty behaviour- it’ wasn’t “a little joke”, it was a dig. My MIL used to say things like that to me all the time and it’s why I really hated her coming to visit.

you should apologise because it was hurtful, not because you want to see more of your GC.

Can't lie, it doesn't sound like you're mortified you humiliated someone, and more bothered about the result it shad on you.

I also don't see how it was ajoke, if it actually was dirty. It's beyond rude to check someone else's cleaning. I'm surprised you've been allowed back at all.

I think the issue is she clearly knows you expect the house to be perfectly clean.

I don’t mind drop in visits, but whoever is dropping in must be prepared to see me in my pyjamas, greasy hair, house a bit messy.

The pressure you’ve put on her for the house to be perfect is what’s caused this.

You really made a ‘rod for your own back’ there didn’t you?

1. You never joke about someone’s house not being clean. It sounds passive aggressive.
2. You don’t tell one part of the family how great another part of the family are. It sounds like you are making a point.
3. You don’t turn up at another adult’s house without at least 24hrs notice and some indication they are happy with the visit. It’s not the olden days. People are busy, time is valuable.
4. A pre-planned catch up once a month or so is the best you can expect in this scenario.
5. When you visit someone’s house it’s rude to expect to be able to go upstairs and treat it like your own house, even if it is with offers of help.
6. A baby is not a toy. You are talking like you want ‘your turn’ bathing your grandchild? If you don’t do it regularly, then you’ll be more of a hindrance than a help- and why they don’t want you there regularly has been discussed.

You’ve totally ruined your relationship with your DIL by being rude, pushy and blind to how inappropriate you are. Only apologise to your DIL if you manage it without playing down your mistakes (it was not a ‘little joke’ it was unforgivably rude) or indirectly blaming DIL for not being like your own daughter.

Even if you do manage to patch up the relationship (and I hope you do), no more last minute ‘I’m popping by’ messages. Accept the pre-arranged time they offer you with good grace and stop pushing for more by telling them you’re in the area. You sound like a relentless stalker.

Perhaps offer to babysit rather than demanding to help with bath time when it suits you. And accept that being grandma to your daughter’s children is very likely to be a different experience to being grandma to your son’s children.

And think before you speak. Maybe even look at therapy or classes to learn more about empathy and seeing things from another person’s perspective.