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Original poster

Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

632 replies

Yogarunningcoffee · 26/04/2026 12:42

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

OP posts:
Loui80 · 27/04/2026 18:30

They weren’t jokes, you’ve said bitchy things and you’ve been called out on it.
maybe see them outside going forwards? For a meal , park etc You’re overstepping wanting to go upstairs it’s not your place and nobody likes parents to just call in.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/04/2026 18:32

Can I just jump back in with a petty point? Surely all apologies are retrospective? Unless you apologise in advance?

Just seems like another attempt to paint this as ancient history and minimise it.

Cob81 · 27/04/2026 18:32

wishingonastar101 · 27/04/2026 15:44

My mum can drop in anytime... if my MIL tried it - especially when I had a baby - I would feel very annoyed!
She is your DIL not your DD.

You’re the DIL people hate to have, think you’re entitled to have priority with your own side of the family while not having the same common courtesy for your husband or his family. So you and your husbands there your mother drops by unexpectedly and it’s all smiles and welcome attitude but if it was your MIL you’d be pissed off? Your poor husband if you’re that controlling.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/04/2026 18:34

Cob81 · 27/04/2026 18:32

You’re the DIL people hate to have, think you’re entitled to have priority with your own side of the family while not having the same common courtesy for your husband or his family. So you and your husbands there your mother drops by unexpectedly and it’s all smiles and welcome attitude but if it was your MIL you’d be pissed off? Your poor husband if you’re that controlling.

Show quote history

Yes because it’s the new mother who’s in a vulnerable position having just had a baby. Not the dad.

So it’s those the Mum is comfortable with who can drop by.

HereWeGo1234 · 27/04/2026 18:34

I think you are trying to reduce the comment you made.
I suggest you ask them when would suit them for a quick visit from you. You pop round, apologise profusely, explain that you didn’t realise the impact of what you had said and ask if they could put it behind them. Don’t stay long, ask them kindly to think about it and then leave. And leave the ball in their court.
Also the relationship between mil and dil is v different to mother and daughter. I don’t think you can compare them.

AnotherEmma · 27/04/2026 18:40

ProudPearl · 26/04/2026 13:14

My mother in law was overly critical at the start and yes, there's no coming back really. My relationship has improved a bit as she's mellowed with age. Coming from someone in your DIL's position I'd say, don't apologise, it will be meaningless.
But: praise her. Tell her she's a good mum, that you don't know how young mums do it, that you remember how hard it was. Tell her the house looks amazing and you're so impressed with how nice she keeps it despite having a tiny baby. Joke about how yours was a tip when yours were tiny (even if this isn't strictly true). Look for reasons to compliment her and do so genuinely.
Your dust comment obviously struck a nerve, being seen as someone who has a clean house is obviously important to her, so acknowledge how clean/tidy it is. (Which it must be, if she cleans for your visits.)
For me, I'd spent years being criticised by my own parents so when MIL joined in it hurt! Perhaps she has similar issues.
You can repair this but you need to really want a relationship with her, not just better access to your grandchild.
If you genuinely love her she needs to feel that.

Great post.

diddl · 27/04/2026 18:43

You’re the DIL people hate to have, think you’re entitled to have priority with your own side of the family while not having the same common courtesy for your husband or his family.

I was entitled to have who I wanted visit me when I was at home with a baby.

In fact I still am when it's just me at home.

Whatthefork1 · 27/04/2026 18:51

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/04/2026 14:11

I couldn’t get over that if I were the DIL though, esp if she perceives the OP to be snarky.l (given the multiple comments I would assume so).

But I’m ND and one comment like that would be enough to distance myself.

Show quote history

I think for me it would depend on if this was an isolated event or not. If it were just a one off comment then I could get over it, but if it were all the time and the MILs general attitude was shitty then that’s a whole different story.

My own MIL is awful and I pretty much have nothing to do with her, but she has said and treated me a lot worse than what the OP is describing.

Steeleydan · 27/04/2026 18:52

Mintchocs · 26/04/2026 12:54

Come on OP you know they werent jokes, they were put downs at her most vulnerable time.

Show quote history

Absolutely she wasnt joking, I bet if we got DIL side of things,these snarky, spiteful little digs happen at lot more than once!! I wouldn't have her in the house, I bet there's a few arguments go off between son and dil , when mother wants to visit.
I actually think dil was polite not saying anything. If someone ran their finger on a chest of drawers and made a passive aggressive comment re dust, I'd of told her to get out of my house

Lavender14 · 27/04/2026 18:59

mybestchildismycat · 27/04/2026 16:22

This thread is insane!

The OP made one lighthearted, off-the-cuff comment to her son about dusting! On what planet does would lead to anything more than an irritated eyeroll from said son and his partner? Are people really this fragile that they cannot handle being mildly irritated by close a relative?

OP, I'd say the problem is more likely to be that they really don't like spontaneous visits and you're not getting the message. Just because you have a certain intimacy with your DD doesn't mean you can expect that from your DIL. You say you see your son's DC regularly, so enjoy that and stop trying to force a style of relationship that they clearly don't want.

Unless the dusting comment is the tip of the iceberg/the straw that broke the camel's back, I think it is really out of order of them to blame it all on a single comment you made years ago as an excuse, rather than being honest.

@mybestchildismycat away back and read ops posts.

It's not just the finger in the dust. It's also multiple comments op has made in front of dil about how her dd does such a great job cleaning and keeping her house pristine with a baby.

This is not an isolated incident by any means. These are just the multiple examples op was given by her son.

Parmaviollets · 27/04/2026 19:15

@AnotherEmma @ProudPearl agree also v good post .
My own nasty mil is ops mil on elephant steroids but her mum DH grandma has said all those things and it was gratefully received (whislt her daughter sat sucking lemons )

QueenStevie · 27/04/2026 19:31

My MIL came to see us the day we came after hospital when DD was not 24 hours old and I'd been in labour for a while weekend whilst ill with a chest infection. Do you know the first words out of her mouth? "Good grief! You look the colour of boiled shite." Wow. Thanks MIL. Other great comments include, "I've brought my own coffee. I'm not drinking that Aldi shit." This is when we had just moved out, were living on one wage (mine) whilst her son was at uni, with no car so had to rely on the nearest, cheapest supermarket. She also nearly fell off her perch one day when she arrived unannounced and we had no milk in. DH doesn't drink hot drinks. I don't drink hot drinks in the evening and neither of us ate breakfast at that time so we didn't need any milk urgently. Anyway, these events happened approx 19-23 years ago so yes, us DILs can hold a grudge 😄 You were rude.

SixtySomething · 27/04/2026 19:35

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/04/2026 13:49

The intent is irrelevant. OP was sniping - she doesn’t have a jokey relationship with her DIL.

The ‘I was only joking’ line is the oldest trick in the book and is used to gaslight people.

Show quote history

Livia, You really don’t know this!
I’m not surprised OP has left. She’s honestly stated her mistake.
Have you any idea what it must feel like to have page after page of opinions attacking your basic decency?
I have grown up children and DILs . Sometimes either side unintentionally says something that someone could take offence at.
You just have to brush it off and think the best of family members. Otherwise the family would fall apart.
Have you thought about your own motives in joining the mob trashing OP?
I don’t want to be unkind. I know you’re AuDHD, but perhaps you could think about OP more empathetically?

Parmaviollets · 27/04/2026 19:59

@SixtySomething this is classic mil stuff though and many of us have had to listen to these nasty passive aggressive "jokes ".
Nasty comments disguised as banter doesn't wash anymore.

Buffs · 27/04/2026 20:22

Swiftie1878 · 26/04/2026 12:52

I don’t think she’ll want to talk about the ‘dust’ incident again. I think you’ve rather burned your boat there.

You aren’t being kept away from your DGC, just your access is being carefully managed. I think you really just need to accept this, and when you visit, instead of making barbed ‘jokes’ or ‘comments’, be kind, supportive and complimentary about your DS and DIL’s life, home and choices.
Time may heal things. It may not. 🤷‍♀️

Best advice. Don’t expect to pop in or go upstairs. Appreciate the access you have and nurture that. Don’t compare situations between your daughter and daughter in law.

SisterMidnight77 · 27/04/2026 20:53

Your comment was in no way a joke. It was a dig. That’s why there’s upset. I can see you really wish you hadn’t said it though. If you apologise there might be a way back. Here’s hoping.

dementedmummy · 27/04/2026 21:01

Yogarunningcoffee · 26/04/2026 12:42

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

That's not a joke though is it? It is you being extremely rude and showing off that you are better than your son and better than his wife. What a nasty thing to do. You are exactly like my mother in law and mother. I returned to work after a very difficult mat leave with ppd and got seconded to London working away 4 days a week. Came off a delayed flight after 4 days away, desperate to see my 2 babies, came home to find my MIL in who berated me on the state of my house and how she had had to clean the dining room before anyone could eat - a dining room that was spotless when I left on the Sunday night with the house under her son's control for 4 days but not a word said to him about his inability to clean. She then went on to shit talk about how I don't keep house to my SIL. My mother walks in and stands and looks around to see if she can see dust. It is so beyond upsetting because my house should be my sanctuary but instead sanctimonious, bitchy women decide to pick holes at it. As a consequence I don't have people round regularly and when I do, it is beyond stressful spending hours cleaning what is already clean so people cannot make me feel small and upset. So yes you should apologise to your daughter in law for being a horror. But don't do it so you can get time with the grandkids - it's not a genuine apology. Do it because you want to do better in life.

changeme4this · 27/04/2026 21:09

It’s great you have recognised a foot in the mouth moment. I suspect it’s going to take a long while to get back in your DIL’s good books and as there is now a baby involved, she might not think any apology is genuine…

I would consider your moves very carefully. See where you can value add to DIL without thrusting yourself solely around baby.

are you financially able to offer her help ? (For gawds sake don’t pick a cleaner unless she asks).

SixtySomething · 27/04/2026 22:28

Parmaviollets · 27/04/2026 19:59

@SixtySomething this is classic mil stuff though and many of us have had to listen to these nasty passive aggressive "jokes ".
Nasty comments disguised as banter doesn't wash anymore.

Yes but I'm trying to point out that it runs both ways.
DILs are equally capable of passive- aggressive "jokes", as well as genuine mistakes.
We need to look past human foibles and concentrate on the big picture.

Scotland3232 · 27/04/2026 22:34

Here in Scotland it’s quite normal for people to pop in unannounced. My SILs do it all the time. I hate it. Please stop trying to do this - even a very short heads up isn’t really ok. Plan in advance. And yes, apologise!

Sometimeswinning · 27/04/2026 22:41

God the replies on here. I’d understand the DIL calling her out at the time but to hold a grudge 4 years later!! I think some people must have such boring lives.

I’m sure my own mother has made comments that I’m not up to her standards cleaning wise. I explain to her each time I’m busy with life. I don’t cry over it.

Lavender14 · 27/04/2026 22:43

Sometimeswinning · 27/04/2026 22:41

God the replies on here. I’d understand the DIL calling her out at the time but to hold a grudge 4 years later!! I think some people must have such boring lives.

I’m sure my own mother has made comments that I’m not up to her standards cleaning wise. I explain to her each time I’m busy with life. I don’t cry over it.

What other person would you tolerate walking into your home and running their finger along and then pointing out the dust? And then telling you their daughter always keeps her home pristine even with a baby?

Honestly. It's not a normal thing to do to walk into anyone's home and do that. It's the height of rude.

Sometimeswinning · 27/04/2026 22:49

Lavender14 · 27/04/2026 22:43

What other person would you tolerate walking into your home and running their finger along and then pointing out the dust? And then telling you their daughter always keeps her home pristine even with a baby?

Honestly. It's not a normal thing to do to walk into anyone's home and do that. It's the height of rude.

Show quote history

Yeah and it’s been said over and over. Same boring comments. DIL didn’t say anything but nurtures this resentment. That’s crazy!

SconehengeRevenge · 27/04/2026 22:55

OP not been back for a while i see.

<light the touch paper, and stand back to enjoy the chaos> 🤔

mcmen05 · 27/04/2026 23:25

@Yogarunningcoffee did you let your mother in law call in when ever she wanted or let her nappy change and bath
Daughters, are different they have closer bond with mums when they have kids.