Should I retrospectively apologize to DIL?

[Yogarunningcoffee]

My Son & DIL had a baby last year. We live pretty close by and I regularly work in the village they live in. Quite often I’ll message to say I’m passing by and can I pop in but the answer is always no - I do see DGC regularly but it’s always planned in advance on dates that DIL has suggested and never spontaneous.

I’m also never invited upstairs to help with nappy changes / and I’ve only been asked to help with bath time a few times and again it’s always been pre organised.

Anyway I mentioned it to DS, as it feels much more planned & regimented than with my DD where I drop in all the time and really get stuck in to helping out.

DS reminded me that years ago when they had first moved into their house and were showing me round I’d run my finger along a chest of drawers and jokingly told him off for not doing a good job cleaning as it was dusty.

I vaguely remember saying this (totally as a joke!) and DIL not looking very happy about it but nothing got said so I forgot all about it.

However DS told me that DIL was absolutely livid about it as she is the one that does the cleaning and since then she will deep clean the house before I arrive as she was so embarrassed about it which is why she always says no to me just popping in. He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I feel totally mortified that a little joke has been taken so seriously and very upset that it’s meant DIL is keeping me a little at arms legnth from my grandchild.

Do you think I should apologise to her for the comment all those years ago? Or is there a better way to move past it. I really do feel awful that she’s spending hours cleaning every time I come round especially with a little one.

Why would you even think this was a funny joke to make ? Genuine question.

my MIL often makes offensive “jokes”

Regardless of the comment about the dust, which I also imagine going down like a lead balloon... The relationship with a DIL is always going to be different than it is with a daughter. You're not her mum, you are just baggage that came as part of the deal with her DH. She's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want a "mum" relationship with you. Whether that's solely to do with the cleaning comment, or because she's already got a mum she's close with.

She's happy to be polite, but doesn't want to be close. Could you fix that by apologising? Maybe. But I think you're best off following that apology up with actions. She's told you she doesn't want spontaneous visits, so give her a break from asking. But perhaps you could leave a packet of nice biscuits on the doorstep? Or some nice teabags?

But I think you just need to accept that you're never going to have the "just pop in!" relationship with this DIL. Many people are just not the "just pop in!" type. I'm not either. I love my family and friends, but visits are by prior arrangement only. I need a date and time.

Also... wanting to "be invited to help with nappy changes" is odd... It's not a spectator sport. The child is entitled to the privacy of a primary caregiver only.

Yeah you sound like a bitch tbh and are now regretting it just because you DIL won’t put up with your shit. Would be way to late for an apology for me. The nappy thing is just bizarre it doesn’t take two adults to change a nappy so why would
you be invited

Sorry to say, I would never ever dream of entertaining my MIL other than for an organised (forced on me kicking and screaming!) visit which included her own Son. Popping in is rarely welcomed in my experience, regardless of the visitor.

I would certainly apologise but wouldn’t hold your breath for it changing the situation as sounds like the damage is done.

You will obviously have a very different relationship with your DD than your DIL, who probably has a similar relationship with her own Mum, so has no need or desire to replicate it.

I think it was an unkind comment to make but I suspect an apology might now make things more awkward.

You’ve let your son know you are sorry so I would leave matters there, but going forward I wouldn’t ask if you can pop in without notice. Give them plenty of notice if you want to visit as that is respecting a boundary they have set.

Offer your daughter in law warm and sincere praise for how well she is doing. Kick your son into gear about housework if he isn’t pulling his weight on the cleaning front.

I don’t necessarily think they’re keeping you at arm’s length with your grandchild - why would you want to go up with them to change nappies anyway? That’s not a usual thing to do. You can still have a close and loving bond with your grandchild via visits arranged plenty in advance.

My MIL doesn’t live in the same country as me but I’ll never forget 25 years ago when they landed in our city on a date we begged them NOT to arrive because I had a big presentation at work and had needed some time; we just asked that they arrive the next day. But why would they want to do that?! So they’re in bed when I get home, I’m exhausted and go to bed. Next morning I’m greeted with “do you ever clean the cat box?” Not even a hello! The cat box wasn’t even bad and interesting that she didn’t ask her son that question the night before.

To the poster who said OP made one off the cuff comment, I’d put money on there being more. Especially with the DD’s clean house comments throw into the mix. My own MIL has made plenty more little “teehee it’s a joke” comments over the years and I doubt she’d remember any of them but I sure do.

You've pooped in your own path here OP.
It might be a bit late for apologies now.

So you've had years to apologise but it's only now since the arrival of the baby that it has occurred to you?

All of that aside she might not want the relationship that you do-which seems to be driven by the arrival of a GC anyway.

Your son is happy with things as they are so perhaps just accept what you have?

I would never have wanted my MIL to pop in. or to see her without my husband there.

I didn't like her enough.

There had also been little effort on her part until I was pregnant...

I absolutely love watching while my baby granddaughter has her nappy changed, she has a lovely kicky time whilst nappy free ! Lots of gurgling and smiles!

Was it actually a one off 'joke'? Or have you had sly digs over the years? You should definitely apologise and say it was a stupid thing to say.

It was a comment about a bit of dust. If your DIL is still brooding about that then I find that really odd. If you apologise or not she is still going to feel uncomfortable in your presence, stick to arrangements as they are. By refusing spontaneous drop ins she has made her feelings perfectly clear. Maybe as GC gets a bit older you'll become a bit more involved.

Ah what a shame. It’s worth apologising and trying to rebuild but not linking it to seeing the baby.
Your son hasn’t been that helpful here, he could have built bridges a bit sooner.
My husband used to do a full deep clean every time his mother visited (has relaxed a bit now.) I refused to because I don’t care what she thinks. However it means he invites her less often and gets very stressed about her visits. All the remarks land and don’t result in frequent invitations and a relaxed atmosphere…

Mother of the son is often kept at arm's length from the baby. It may have happened anyway to be honest even if you never made this comment. She doesn't want people popping in without warning, other than her own parents or siblings. She doesn't feel as relaxed with you as she would her own family. Just work on being kind and supportive.

Honestly I think the two issues are conflated, she sees you as a person who judges and she’s probably correct. So she’s prob not seeing you as a 2nd mum but if that’s the extent of your transgression, my bet is that this isn’t the reason youre not allowed to just pop in. It’s far more likely that she just doesn’t want you popping in regardless of your previous comments. Lots of people don’t like it. If she’s the type to not mind other people popping in I doubt your comment 4 years ago is the reason she’s saying no. So you can apologise, and stop with the put downs but it’s very unlikely that you’re going to change the dynamic. Instead you should change your expectations and enjoy the relationship you have, and don’t waste time trying to force the one you want

Oh OP. “My daughter has a baby and her house is immaculate” and saying that a couple of times. And making a “joke” about dust. This is really rubbish. TBH you’re lucky you get to even cross the threshold, never mind not being able to pop in when you feel like it.

It was more than one comment. OP literally wrote

He also said I’ve mentioned in conversation a few times about how immaculate DD’s house is even with a baby which DIL has taken as a dig.

I’m thinking OP is downplaying or likely has never noticed the amount of such comments she makes because it is second nature and her children are used to it.

Also, OP is still seeing said grandchild regularly as she literally said just not the amount she desires because she expects to have the same amount of access as she has with her daughter.

I think it’s more insane ignoring that OP is still seeing her grandchild more than most and that isn’t enough for her especially knowing what she knows now about how her comments in the past have landed.

There was also no reason to make such a comment at the time nor brag about how clean her DD’s home is. If someone was telling me about how clean their adult child’s home is I would think it odd. Beautiful and well-decorated, sure, but how clean, strange. I have never had anyone tell me how clean their adult child’s home is. I would assume it would likely be clean anyway unless told otherwise.

Honestly Op they had just moved in & were showing you around.

Was there really nothing nice you could have said?

Why? It’s your husbands mum.

It would be pretty awkward to apologise now, she’d obviously know your DS had mentioned it and would probably be annoyed with him.

My mum used to do this whenever she came over so I stopped inviting her. She used to do weird things like opening our microwave and commenting on tiny food splashes inside it. People don’t forget this sort of thing because it’s rude and hurtful when you spend a lot of time tidying up.

You sound just like my ex MIL who did exactly the same thing to me on her first visit when I was newly married - ran her finger along some dust followed by a bitchy comment.
She also used to announce that she "needed to visit the bathroom" every single time, even if it was a short visit, and I knew that it was just an excuse to snoop around upstairs because I could hear the floorboards creaking in our bedroom.
I was very young at the time and struggling to keep the house clean and tidy whilst holding down a demanding job, mainly due to the fact that she'd raised her precious son to believe that housework was exclusively a job for women, and that he could be as messy as he liked and do bugger all to tidy up, let alone actually clean.
No - I wouldn't have taken kindly to her apologising for the dust comment years later. Thankfully I got rid of ExH without having children, but I felt judged every time MIL was in my house and I definitely wouldn't have allowed drop ins with little notice even if there were grandchildren to visit.

God.

I had similar from both mothers after I got married. They came to stay because we lived so far away. My own mother would start cleaning the moment she arrived, even though I had cleaned thoroughly before they came. My MIL would open my cupboards and closet (which was on the guestroom) and comment negatively on what I had.

You almost certainly didn’t’ ‘mean it as a joke’ and it’s much too late to apologise. You upset and humiliated your DIL but you’re making it all about you. Are you my MIL come back to life?! Ok, she never actually did the finger/dust test but she used to come to stay with her rubber gloves, which did my head in. And the taking umbrage at not being ‘invited’ to watch a nappy change! Been there, done that.

What would your reaction be OP if your own MIL had run a finger along a piece of furniture checking for dust?

It wasn’t funny. No idea why you would have thought that was a good thing to say. You were incredibly rude.
Your dil was rightly offended and she’s taken steps to protect herself from your ‘jokes’. Good for her.
i think you should apologise. It may help going forward but If it was me, I’d be very wary of you regardless,

You’re projecting your own experiences into your comment. Coming from a mother of all sons I’ll tell you now OP was being a dick, that’s not a joke, who wipes their finger on look for dust and make a snide comment as a “joke”? They don’t, she was being a judgemental snob and made DIL feel inadequate, she was putting her down on purpose. Also I find it so weird anyone wants to be invited upstairs to help with a baby’s nappy change or even a bath, who even does that? She f she’s looking after the baby then fine she changes or baths the baby, otherwise the parents are well capable of doing it themselves just as they do every other time of the day when she’s not there. FYI I know many MIL’s who are just as involved with their sons and DIL’s as much as they are with daughters and SIL’s. Some MIL’s are just annoyingly unbearable and don’t take any responsibility for how overbearing they are