To be furious with DH for this?

[Coffeecherrymama]

First night home since giving birth and DH has gone out with his mates drinking and still isn’t home and he isn’t answering any calls or messages. He didn’t give me any choice, he just said he was going out with his “mates” and then left and said he would be back before 10pm but he’s still not home! I’m so angry that he has just left me here with our newborn when he knows I’m struggling but his mum says I’m overreacting and that he’s “entitled to a night out”! I feel like I could just cry to be honest! AIBU?

The fact is that unless the OP has been the subject of physical violence, it's unlikely that she will get away with having changed the locks, and her husband would be perfectly entitled to get another locksmith in to change them again, or even break a window to gain access, as he is a JOINT owner. I really do have every sympathy with the OP, and like her, in that situation would feel tempted to get the locks changed, but a simple Google would have told her that this was not a wise thing to do, and while I know it's unlikely she's even thinking straight with everything that's been going on, I feel sure her sister could have found this out.

I just Googled this question:

if you change the locks of a jointly owned home can the other person break in to gain access?

This is the first thing that came up:

Yes, if you jointly own a home, the other owner generally has a legal right to access it. Changing the locks to exclude a co-owner is usually unlawful, and the other person can use a locksmith to enter or, in some cases, use reasonable force to enter without committing a criminal offence.

Key Implications and Actions:

Equal Rights: Both parties possess an equal right to occupy the property, regardless of who moved out, unless an Occupation Order from a court states otherwise.

Legal Action: A locked-out co-owner can legally change the locks back, seek a court injunction to gain entry, or apply for an Occupation Order.

Exceptions: Lock changes are typically only permissible if you fear for your safety (domestic violence/abuse) or have a court order.

Recommendation: Unilaterally changing locks can make a court view you as acting unreasonably, creating unnecessary conflict and legal costs.

If you feel you are at risk of violence or abuse, contact the police. Otherwise, it is highly recommended to seek legal advice on family law from a professional to manage access and property rights correctly.

So if you haven't already OP, please get URGENT legal advice.

I wasn't arguing. Your suggestion to change the locks I took issue with. It is called having an opposing view HUN.

Then he'll take legal action 🤷‍♀️

No. She can’t. Unless she can prove he’s abusive she can’t stop him from entering the property if he’s a joint owner. It’s also a fact that if you are a married couple one partner cannot stop the other from entering the marital home, even if they are not named on the deeds. This comes up time and time again on these threads. He can simply go to court and get an occupation order, and legally she will have to comply.

This likely isn’t enough for OP to obtain an occupation order barring him from the property. She needs hard evidence of abusive behaviour and intent to cause her harm.

@Coffeecherrymama

Stay icy calm if you can.

Speak to a solicitor asap, preferably one that is an expert on Family Law. Be the reasonable one at every stage and DH will have to follow suit - UK law prioritises the welfare of children.

Good luck.

Yes he could go to court but lets face it, do we really believe that a man who behaves like this and has an enabling mummy will spend the time money and effort to do that? Chances are he has realised that marriage and kids is too much like hard work (as evidenced by his behaviour) so would probably be quite happy to be let off the hook. My first husband was like this, didnt see him for dust when I said I wanted to end things and didnt fight for anything.

Yup, I am with you, it is understandable. I am a little concerned regarding legalities.

I think it paramount that OP get legal advice (as well as looking after her beautiful children).

I thought I'd add something here, re the whole lock changing scenario, which seems to have been done now. I've given it some thought, and I am mindful that OP has a newborn and a toddler, so I think it understandable and that it was the right thing to do. Who knows when he's going to try to roll up pissed senseless again.

When I divorced my ex he did not take well to being told what to do by a mere, and very tiny, woman. One night he was arrested after throwing me against a wall, locked up, and advised by the police not to return to the house but find somewhere else to live. I was advised not to stop him entering. He'd roll up and roar his way through the house, shouting at me and making the children run away and hide, attacking me physically, throwing (heavy) things at me, trying to jam my arms in doors. He's well over 6ft and big built, I'm tiny.

Fortunately it was one of the speediest divorces in legal history (this may be a slight exaggeration! but it was super fast, especially given how much had to be sorted out financially). The only thing that I paid for was to see a barrister (I was in fact with him for nearly 3 hours, but he only charged me for 1). Everything else was covered by legal aid.

So I actually think that whilst I stand by my advice to get legal help asap, you've done the right thing regarding the locks. And do check out legal aid.

The very best of luck. You come across as very strong. You've got this.

Your situation was different though. You could reasonably change the locks because you had evidence of physical abuse, and regardless of whether you think changing the locks to be good advice, legally it doesn’t stand. Unless OP can prove he’s abusive and poses a threat, he can get an occupation order.

Thanks @ThreadGuardDog , but to clarify, I wasn't advised to change the locks.