To be furious with DH for this?

[Coffeecherrymama]

First night home since giving birth and DH has gone out with his mates drinking and still isn’t home and he isn’t answering any calls or messages. He didn’t give me any choice, he just said he was going out with his “mates” and then left and said he would be back before 10pm but he’s still not home! I’m so angry that he has just left me here with our newborn when he knows I’m struggling but his mum says I’m overreacting and that he’s “entitled to a night out”! I feel like I could just cry to be honest! AIBU?

OP, much as I have EVERY sympathy with you, changing the locks was a mistake, as if you have a mortgage together and are also married, you cannot refuse him entry to his own home.

I just checked on Google and this is what it said:

Jointly Owned/Married: Unless you have a court order, you cannot stop your spouse from entering a shared home.

I can't believe he still went to Ibiza. That would've been the final test for me, and the fact that he clearly thinks he's in the right to do so, and OP's in the wrong, no doubt underpinned by his mum's attitude, would be the end for me too.

If he is on the deeds you cannot deny him entry to a house he legally owns

Genuine question, I'm not trying to be smart - but what's he going to do about it? Will he have to go to court to get her ordered to give him a key?

Yes she can, but she shouldn't.

So he will have to go to court and they will tell her to give him a key, but up until then there isnt much he can do without also acting against the law.

He has threatened her with homelessness. Regardless of the subject it is intimidation at a very vulnerable time.

OP is best to pop along to the police station where they will have resources to assist. They won’t tell her to remove the locks

The police will not give the OP advice other than it is a civil rather than criminal matter so not within their remit/she should seek an occupation order to keep him out of the home

All this about changing the locks......

Legally she shouldnt keep him out but to gain access he has to go to court and lets face it, do any of us really believe that he will? We are talking about a man who fucked off on holiday within days of his wife giving birth, he isnt going to go the expense and trouble of taking her to court. He doesnt bother working and pays nothing towards the mortgage and bills. He is just pissed off that his free ride ended because he crashed the train.

I would bet my own house on him kicking off for a bit, then the OP getting shit from his mother and then him moving on and not bothering himself to see the kids.

Yeah. He'll have an actual mother to mother him without having to go to court.

They will have appropriate resources for the OP.

the guy has threatened her, and they will like to know about it.

I assume so.

I assume he would call the Police

Is someone there helping you OP? Sister or parents etc? You shouldn't have to go through this alone

I think that it could be brought up during any pending divorce/separation case, and could potentially reflect badly on OP. My solicitor was adamant that I not refuse entry when I was going through my divorce. My advice is to stay absolutely, totally squeaky clean (and take him to the cleaners).

If he's not working then I don't think he's going to be worth much at the moment. So yes it isn't perfect behaviour changing the locks but it is understandable. I think having a newborn in the house is pretty much the first priority for OP and would be taken into consideration by a court?
Also it sends a very clear message to him that it's over. And to leave her alone now.

Did you really have to ask! It’s not the 70s and even then, it wasn’t exactly acceptable.

Well thank goodness for that! Life will be so much easier without him than with him, I promise. You may feel lonely or tired or sad but a man like that just doesn't change.

I really hope he doesn't return on a huge comedown from a massive bender and kick-off. It is the last thing the OP or her toddler needs to witness.

In most cases like this, changing locks is just a costly drama that proves futile in the end. I don't understand the rush for some pp's to advise this course of action. I hope as well as being an absolute shit head, he is a meek one, and accepts he cannot access the home he co-owns, without drama.

If he's on a massive comedown and apt to kick off, isn't it better that the locks are changed? He'll have time to return to chemical normality at his mummy's house.

He would be better off never returning if we want to live in fantasy land, but in real life unilaterally changing the locks of someone's house is rarely a good idea, let alone legally advised. It just creates extra drama and unecessary expense.

Who wont do anything as it is a civil matter.

Yeah, first thing first solicitors.

Tell them you changed the locks because of how he came home so drunk, vomiting everywhere and terrified the kids. He was so out of control his father had to remove him from the home. He then abandoned you to go on a further drinking spree abroad while you are still recovering from child birth. You are too terrified to let him back in the house in your vulnerable state.

This needs doing before he returns from Ibiza.

Also, push for the start of divorce proceedings ASAP.

I was responding to your own suggestion of what might happen when he returns. Go and argue with a brick wall.

Yes. This⬆️ I think telling solicitor before he comes home would be good idea. Get ball rolling and find out what's what asap.

I have a feeling he may be due home soon ? may already be back ?
if he's gone for a week ?
and was going last Tues ?

( edited for typing error )