To be furious with DH for this?

[Coffeecherrymama]

First night home since giving birth and DH has gone out with his mates drinking and still isn’t home and he isn’t answering any calls or messages. He didn’t give me any choice, he just said he was going out with his “mates” and then left and said he would be back before 10pm but he’s still not home! I’m so angry that he has just left me here with our newborn when he knows I’m struggling but his mum says I’m overreacting and that he’s “entitled to a night out”! I feel like I could just cry to be honest! AIBU?

OP, sorry to be nit picky, but I noticed you say that you found 'ticketS' plural, were you just referring to several pieces of paper with details of the booking, etc., or had he booked for you, or someone else, to go with him?

I hope that you and the new baby are now bonding well, as such a major upset may have caused problems.

Sending you all my best wishes for a really happy future, without this waste of space and his family.

I’ve been in a similar position in the past, it really does not get better. You and your children deserve better a life. It will be difficult but with the help and support of your family and friends you can get through this. I think your unbelievably strong for standing up and saying enough, you will have saved years of grief for yourself and your children x

Tickets for him and his friends! I’m fuming about it! Xx

The tickets were for yesterday ? has he gone - do you know ?

Did he actually go to Ibiza, assuming flight was yesterday? How his parents can defend this I don't know.

I hope you support OP and are bonding with baby. Although hormones will be all over the place and clearly a lot going on, please try and focus on yourself and the children. Clearly, 'D'H is a waste of space which you can deal with when you are feeling better. Just ask him to stay away while you sort the kids.

Agree. He will be the extra child

@Coffeecherrymama did he go to Ibiza yesterday?

Coffeecherry, how are you doing?

I can only imagine you must be reeling right now that your life has seemingly changed in the blink of an eye, and I really hope you have plenty of real-life support as well as all of us strangers on the internet cheering you on.

I assume he’s gone to Ibiza? Did you have chance to speak beforehand and has he said a single thing to defend himself? It sounds like he’s suddenly realised he’s a father of two and needs to ‘settle down’ and has either decided on one final hurrah, without asking you, or has decided it’s not for him and is running in the opposite direction so he can’t be accused of ‘settling down’. Did he do anything like this when your first baby was born?

It’s heartbreaking that he’s not the person you thought he was, but he’s showing you who he is and where his priorities are right now, so my advice is you let him get on with it. Focus on your babies, and on yourself and your recovery from the birth and the past 9 months, and take all the offers of help you receive from family and your friends. I know I would be packing up his clothes and leaving them for him to collect, but I also know that it’s a lot easier said than done, and raising children, especially when one is a brand new baby, is tough on your own. Sending love and strength.

I hope you'll come back to the thread when you have time and headspace, and read through some of the answers again, like the one I've quoted here.

You're already coping with something much worse than being on your own: being with a person who makes you feel like you're insane for expecting basic kindness and love, and for wanting to spend your first night home in a warm little bubble of family, being cared for and brought cups of tea while you all coo over your baby. You're not insane for wanting that. That is what most parents want.

Being on your own bringing up two little ones won't be easy but your husband is showing you the kind of care and support you can expect from him, i.e. not a lot, if any. Instead of supporting each other through the good and bad, you will end up doing everything for him, and there won't be any good because he will cause you constant pain, anger, and confusion. The more you can get him out of your and your kids' lives, the better for everyone, I'd say.

It's awful that he's done this to you, but at least now there's no doubt about what kind of a man he is, and what you can expect going forward.

He might tell you that he'll change. But he will never change while you're still with him. He does not even give you a basic level of respect or kindness that most strangers would. In his mind, he can do what he wants because he thinks he'll get away with it. In his mind, he 'wins' if he has no responsibilities towards his wife and kids, but still gets his laundry done and tea cooked and maybe even sex when he demands it. In his world, you two are not a team - you are someone he has to beat in order to feel he is winning at life.

Anyone can change, but to change from this mindset and become a safe, honest, loving husband and father seems like it would take decades.

In the meantime, you have two little ones to think about, and getting them and yourself in a better situation. Ask your friends and family for help - not his side of the family, obvs. Work out what you need help with - finances and housing are usually the first things that come up - and post on here. You will get excellent advice from women who have made it through some really tough times. Just like you will, OP!

Sorry for the long comment! Really wishing you and your babies the best x

This is an incredibly wise comment. I wish I could give it a thousand upvotes.

Better times ahead, OP.

And, congratulations on your gorgeous new baby!

Im so angry for you. How dare he do this to you. Your MIL is aweful. I am a MIL and I would boot my son up the ass if he did this to his wife I sure as shit wouldn't pay for it.

Sounds like the apple didnt fall far from the tree. Your 'DH' and parents are awful.

Seems like he doesnt do much parenting anyway so you'd be better off without him.

I get a sense there is more things he has done. This can't be the first of him bringing a prick!

I couldn't come back from this.

You would have less stress with two kids than two kids and a prick of man!

So he's in Ibiza now?

Surely you know there's absolutely no coming back from this.

You will absolutely be fine without him. Concentrate on you and your children 💐

Then report it, troll hunting is against the guidelines

Is he working? Presumably he is using paternity leave for this jaunt?

He hasn’t actually got a job. The OP says he used savings to pay for the tickets. Or maybe his mum helped, seeing as she’s only too happy to enable his bad behaviour.

He’s now threatening to take the house from me if I divorce him x

Speak to a solicitor - you have kids and he has blown up the marriage - he is not in a strong place (no matter how much his mummy tells him he's a special little boy that can do no wrong)

How could he take the house from you? Is his name on the deeds? Has he contributed if not working?

As married he will be entitled to something but as already said, definitely get yourself to a solictor.

Assume he did go away on his holidays - that won't look good for him!

You are in a much stronger position than he is. Please sit tight and get legal advice. You are doing amazing xx

You are entitled to half of all marital assets, including savings and pensions. (Flip side of course so is he but he’d need to make those claims.) You have children so it is highly unlikely a court will rule that he gets to keep the house and you get nothing, even if only he had ever paid into it prior to marriage. Go and speak to a solicitor specialising in family law and don’t tell him you are going.

This is such a wise comment. OP, did he go to Ibiza? If so that would be the end of it for me. He really doesn’t deserve you, his behaviour has been beyond appalling.
Your husband should cherish you and your children in the weeks after birth. Most do. He has behaved atrociously and someone who can do this will just pull out worse. He’ll be off with other women and blame yoy because you can’t have sex during the birth recovery period. He has shown you that he is awful and we have seen what an appalling example his mother sets.
Life on your own will be immeasurably better than with this lot undermining you and grinding you down.

Keep a record of all the threats.

try to keep as calm as possible in his presence. If he says he’ll take the house or makes any other threats just shrug and say something neutral like “I’ll bear that in mind” and walk away. He wants a rise out of you. If you shout back or threaten back he then begins to say you are angry and always shouting at him,.

you must have so much on your plate right now but you do need to find a supportive solicitor.