to think a lot of men don’t actually want children as much as they say they do?

[olaay]

I don’t mean all men, before anyone jumps on that. But it does feel like quite a few are very into the idea of kids rather than the reality.

They’ll talk about wanting a family, being a dad, all of that. On paper they’re completely on board. But when it comes down to what having children actually involves, it often feels like the woman is the one really carrying it, not just physically but in every other way too.

You see it in how the conversations go. Women thinking it through properly, what it means for their body, their job, their day to day life. Men sort of agreeing, going along with it, but not always engaging with the full picture in the same way.

Then once the baby arrives, it turns into this dynamic where he “helps” rather than just being an equal parent. Like it’s still ultimately her responsibility and he steps in when needed.

It just makes me wonder how many men genuinely want children in a proper, day to day, all in way, and how many just like the idea of it without really thinking about what it looks like long term.

Hi! Sorry, you probably didn’t see it, but I updated my post (as I wasn’t clear in my post before), to clarify that in general women are paid less than men. Hence the gender pay gap. My friends also outearn their partners. I also said this is why I am in favour of keeping the £100k limit for government help with childcare costs to per person and not per couple. It encourages women to stay in their jobs and progress and for men to think about reducing their hours in order to keep their benefits. It seems on here that it’s a forgone conclusion that nursery fees come out of the women’s salary and hence they think there is no point going back to work if they earn less. Not the way my husband I work though, we’ve always been equal, split parental leave, and encouraged each other.

Agree there were so many times i took the kids somewhere on my own because DH wasnt fussed about going - like i would actively choose to go to all the places aimed at kids.
Occasionally on a weekend I would suggest going out somewhere and hed suggest something like a food market! 🤣

After nearly 20 years of parenting it isnt natural for him to think of the DC needs automatically, if they dont align with his own.
He took DS to a football match when DS was about 6, and bought them both a baguette. DS didnt like it so didnt eat it. DH ate his and didnt consider that being away from home for 7 hours, he would need to buy DS something else to eat!! 😳

Sorry @Sweetandsaltycaroline but your husband sounds pathetic and selfish.

I don’t have kids but do babysit now and again including taking friend kids out and I’d have known to buy him something else. That’s just common sense to know someone of any age might be hungry after that length of time.

And I know my brothers who take out our younger cousins would know to sort food out too - and they don’t even have their own kids.

I think we need to stop normalising this and accepting such low standards from fathers/men.

One of my best friends is a guy, it’s a joy to see him with his kids and we always do something child-friendly. I know he takes his kids to the library every weekend too.

Just a reminder that there are some competent and decent fathers/men out there. I appreciate some women don’t know how useless the men are, until after they’ve had kids. But I’m baffled by the ones who keep on having kids with the same man who has proven himself to be an inadequate parent.

Tbf I think it’s a personality thing, I struggled way more than DH (he’s tired but absolutely loves being a dad, makes appointments for things like the dentist and takes DD etc, always hands on). We are both people who value duty so we just got on with it but he’s much less selfish than me so I think he found the adjustment “easier” to lose his own time, sleep etc. I think on average men tend to just be more selfish than women.

Outsourced to other women

About a month before I was due to have dc1, I had a thread on here about the logistics of working and having a young child. I read it every now and again. It is like visiting the 1990s or something. I’m so naive and sweetly confident that ‘DH and I will share drop offs and pick ups’ and ‘we’ll share night wakes once I’m back off maternity leave’ and believing we’d be equal, or at least fairly equal.

Then my children happened and I don’t quite know where we went so wrong. I do think DH sees them as my children and thus my responsibility, that he will graciously help with sometimes.

Not necessarily - dry cleaning/ironing services - man. Gardening and odd jobs - man. Cleaner - woman. Babysitting - woman