to think a lot of men don’t actually want children as much as they say they do?

[olaay]

I don’t mean all men, before anyone jumps on that. But it does feel like quite a few are very into the idea of kids rather than the reality.

They’ll talk about wanting a family, being a dad, all of that. On paper they’re completely on board. But when it comes down to what having children actually involves, it often feels like the woman is the one really carrying it, not just physically but in every other way too.

You see it in how the conversations go. Women thinking it through properly, what it means for their body, their job, their day to day life. Men sort of agreeing, going along with it, but not always engaging with the full picture in the same way.

Then once the baby arrives, it turns into this dynamic where he “helps” rather than just being an equal parent. Like it’s still ultimately her responsibility and he steps in when needed.

It just makes me wonder how many men genuinely want children in a proper, day to day, all in way, and how many just like the idea of it without really thinking about what it looks like long term.

I voted Yabu because men are all in for fatherhood, not motherhood.

Becoming a father doesn’t affect their body. New fathers are more likely to get a pay rise/promotion instead of pregnant and sneakily made redundant or mummy tracked.

Society has told them since they were tots that all the child care and child decisions are the mum’s job, and that babies only want their mum so what is the point of a long paternity leave?

And if a man swims against this tide, he and the mother are often roundly criticised for their parenting choices. Some posters on here even think any man that would take paternity leave to be with baby while mum returns to work is a paedophile.

You have written essentially that because men don’t take on the socially defined role of a mother, then they don’t want kids. They do, it just means something completely different to them because they are men.

The rates of regretting becoming parents are about the same between the sexes.

Agreed. It is all social conditioning and we are in a patriarchal society.

They want children, they just don't want to do the work. Can't blame them, caring for small kids day in, day out, is a pretty shit, relentless and thankless job.

I'd love to be a father.

My exh is a good dad, maybe one of the best I know, but he doesn't do half of what I do. He's never done a doctors appointment, meeting with the teacher, he wouldn't know that it's whatever day at school or about homework. He wouldn't organise a party or a play date with a friend. He doesn't have the school app on his phone or any school/childcare/sport dates in his calender.

But yet he says all the time what an amazing dad he is, and he says I'm a very average mum. Maybe, by comparison, he is right. An amazing dad is far less than a pretty average mum.

Yes. The fact that so many men choose not to see their child regularly after divorce says it all. It is inconceivable to me that someone could just abandon their kids or accept not being part of their day to day lives. There are exceptions, but I agree that many men who seem to do a lot still take instruction from their wives.

That is quite a specific example though.

No wonder he's your ex

If he doesn’t do the things you have listed, he’s a very poor dad.

I always say that I'm a mediocre mum, but would be a brillian dad. Amazing. So involved!

I agree. But I had a childhood friend who was the same. She says her partner is a brilliant dad to her two younger kids. In comparison to the eldest child whose father is completely MIA yeah he probably is, but overall no he’s not.

I know more about the names of her kids teachers, what subjects they study and what clubs they attend than he does.

She used to try and use me as a temporary stand-in parent to bounce ideas off, until I eventually told her she needs to be discussing this all with her “brilliant dad” partner.

I don’t mind her asking me for opinions now and again but I found it burdensome that she expected me and her female relatives to be more involved and knowledgeable about things like her child’s education than the child’s father.

I think the problem is the bar is set so low for fathers that anyone better than a deadbeat is praised. Especially for those who haven’t really witnessed evidence of great fathers before.

I 1000% agree, but I see his point. He looks after our children on his own, and when we were together he did his share of house work. Sadly that's more than many men do. Compared to them he is a "great" dad.

Imagine if being a great mum was just doing your share of the house work and physically caring for your child sometimes!

Adam is coming... (Adam the male IUD, that is)

Expect it in 2 years maybe...and we shall see if that happens.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2025/apr/24/non-hormonal-male-contraceptive-implant-lasts-two-years-trials

This post says it all really.
You say he is "a good dad" and then describe the opposite really because the bar for being "a good dad" is set incredibly low.
Obviously there are exceptions and I hope things are gradually changing with the newest parents out there but certainly there is a traditional belief that men can do a lot less to be perceived as a good parent.

I do think many men go into parenthood without having thought deeply about the reality of it and then can't fully cope when the reality hits.

It is biology.

Blimey, I must not be a biological woman then, or my husband a biological man!! My life has been a lie!!!!

Great, that’s one set up. A single mum earning over 100k is massively disadvantaged

I think any single parent who has their child 100% of the time with no financial support from the other parent is massively disadvantaged in general.

I’d agree with you - but I think you could apply that to women too. When I see people with their kids, bored out of their brain, not engaging with them at all, scrolling down their phones, I wonder why they bothered in the first place. I mean, wouldn’t life have been easier without them? What was the point?

Many men want a wife and kids, but don't want to be a husband and father. They want a wife and kids so that they get to look like normal people, but they don't actually want to invest in those relationships.

So you don’t need to add to that

I think a lot of men would love the old days where they had to barely do anything.

It's not all men, but from what I've seen the majority aren't equal parents. The phrase 'men want kids like kids want a dog' is very apt. The idea of having one is better than the reality, as the reality is a lot of hard work.

How am I adding to that?

“Women’s jobs are paid less” is far too much of a generalisation. All my female friends earn more than their male partners, including myself… times are changing!

anecdote v data.