To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

Can your teenager really not make a sandwich or a hot chocolate or get thier own snacks?

There's no reward for being a martyr. I'd have told your husband to make his own fucking breakfast too.

I tell DS he has to get his own laundry bag downstairs on a saturday and load the machine then call one of us to set it to start the wash

Go wild and show him what button to press ... teach a man to fish and all that!

Just because you have hot lunches instead of sandwiches, your 16 year old should still be able to reheat last night's dinner and boil some rice.

It's like you don't believe that teenagers are allowed to use household appliances.

Ps I don’t think you were wrong for snapping!

When lockdown happened, I had just come out of hospital after emergency surgery and had to rest all day. I had 1 sixth former, 1 uni student, 1 working DC and 1 DH all at home. I told them all, I will provide dinner in the evening every day, other than that, lunches, breakfasts, drinks etc. are down to you. We still keep to this system now, you might find this approach works for you @OneThingAfterTheOther

My 10yo granddaughter was living with me full-time, and now part-time. We established what she was able and allowed to do in the kitchen, i.e., not allowed to use the stove/oven w/out me there. She makes sandwiches (pb&j, turkey), or warm up leftovers in the microwave for lunches or snacks, even packs her own lunch If she doesn't want school lunch that day. She rinses her dishes and puts them in the d/w.

She also has chores, but knows how to vacuum, clean the bathroom, change her sheets, etc. I guess the point is if you've not taught your son basic kitchen, laundry and cleaning skills he's going to be at a disadvantage. And if you're doing all of this for him at 16, he may likely think a woman will be doing, or arranging for all this to be done. Not something to be proud of.

I tell DS he has to get his own laundry bag downstairs on a saturday and load the machine then call one of us to set it to start the wash

Seriously? Can't he even switch a washing machine on? It's hardly difficult. You really need to stop actinhg like he is 6 years old and show him how to do things for himself.

Well that's entirely your choice. Few people have time to break off from work in the middle of the day long enough to make a full cooked lunch for everyone. And while it's very nice that your son likes hot food, at his age if he likes it that much, he can make it himself. I bet he'd soon rediscover a taste for sandwiches. You're setting up unrealistic expectations and then surprised when it all gets too much. If you want this kind of menu, you could take turns cooking curries for dinner and have the leftovers for lunch the next day instead. And everyone gets their own breakfast whatever it is. No need for anyone to be martyring or exploiting.

I do sympathise with your feeling exhausted but do you think perhaps you need to all do a calm objective sit down sort out, including the kids, on who does what when? The tea/coffee thing I find ridiculous. I am a coffee drinker, late husband only ever drank tea and we made hot drinks for each other without any problem. can your 16 YO not do his own hot chocolate and make tea and coffee at the same time? You are in an up to your arse in alligators moment but you can sort this.

What do I do when my son asks with disappointment 'oh mum, no chicken curry and rice for lunch?' Just a sandwich?'

We all get our own breakfasts and lunches even if we are all home unless 2 of us want the same thing (four adults one child) either dh or I get the child’s meals.
Dinners I make 4 dh makes 3
You were wrong to snap you maybe need to be more proactive to avoid the martyr approach. “I’ll do breakfast, you sort lunch” sort of thing

At uni now, but it wasn't that hard a rule. If they were hungry they made food (for me too if I wanted what they were making). If I was getting a sandwich or something I'd ask them if they wanted one & we'd discuss various options. No big deal. Same with breakfast & snacks.

dinner was always something I sorted, until they were older (16) & then sometimes they'd cook.

Ok you are doing way too much for a 16 year old. Why on earth are doing a 2 min drive, make them walk. Why are you cooking and washing so much? We have 1 toddler and work full time and our life sounds way more chilled than yours.

YANBU. He‘s a grown man fgs. He can make his own breakfast!

say yes? He's an adult, he could be a parent himself. he can make his own lunch or eat what's on offer.

I also dislike ‘can I get’ and would have wanted to deliberately misunderstand and say ‘yes, no problem, I’ll just dish mine up and be out of your way’
Seriously this probably wasn’t the issue to fall out over, but I assume it was the straw that broke the Camel’s back.

Suggest if that’s what he wants, he learns how to cook it. Cooking is a great skill to have.

He also needs to wash up!

Thank you, yes agree , will do this

The boys ate everything last night and there were no leftovers...I sound so unreasonable i know

My teens boys can/could make all of those dishes from scratch. Why can't yours make any of them?

They can also make all the regular pasta dishes, paella, multiple Chinese dishes and so much chilli. I don't eat some of these things so they learned to cook them.

My 12 yo makes most of her own meals

Why is everyone so obsessed with what her child is or isn't doing when this post is about her husband?

Snapping at him is a sign you feel there's misalignment. Have a think about what is frustrating you and then you both can have a chat about expectations.

He should not be sulking even for 5 minutes! He should recognize that something is bothering you as it's out of character.

🤣 you say that’s right, you have a full time job and it’s not a chef!!!

I think you snapped at your husband unnecessarily.

If you want him to do more around the house then you should have that conversation properly with him - not via barbed snaps.

I think you are doing WAY too much for your 16yo DS. He is preparing for exams - yes - but he can still make his own hot chocolates, snacks and lunch.

I think you may be carrying some anxiety about your son’s exams and how best to prepare him, and projecting it outwards.

I think you need to make some time to get some rest because tiredness won’t be helping you with your self regulation.

Edited to add that I concede that “can I get?” does infuriate me! Not sure why but it just sounds so entitled. So I will give you that.

What do I do when my son asks with disappointment 'oh mum, no chicken curry and rice for lunch?' Just a sandwich?'

You say "darling you can have whatever you like for lunch, the fridge is full" and leave him to it.

If you're just going to downgrade lunch from a hot meal to a sandwich but you're still the one making it, that is not solving your problem.

This is a joke right? He can make his own chicken curry and rice. Write the recipe down and he can get on with it.

if he’s like this with you now he’ll be like this with a future partner- thinking that a woman’s only job is to be his housemaid and chef.

We make our own breakfasts and lunches. I cook dinner. Kids should be brought up to do things for themselves and by the time they're in their teens should be capable of cooking for the family once a week. Why some parents run themselves ragged doing everything for them I don't know. And the time it takes to do these things teaches healthy time management. A break from revision and school work is good for them.