To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

[OneThingAfterTheOther]

We do manage to share the load of chores as both work FT and one high schooler DC to drop/pick at times from activities.

But with DC home with school exams , I found myself doing all the cooking and washing straight for the past 4 days after a weekend that was equally busy with dinner out with friends of DH on a Sunday late night.

I think with DC home , it meant making 4 meals a day on time whilst normally we do late meals and easy meals while working. We were both worried about ordering out as DC had a bug just last week and we didnt want to chance it with exams with takeout food etc.

I was also tutoring DC as requested to by DH on a subject I am more familiar /expert in for his exam this week.

DC off to school this morning and I went for a mini lie down before logging into WFH. Was getting myself eggs and toast when DH goes ' Can I get some toast and eggs too' I had previously this morning told him I am exhausted after the past four days and do have work today just like he does. And can he make the lunch today, for which DC will be home for. To which he appeared to just smirk and laugh it off ' OH im in charge of lunch eh'

I snapped when he asked for breakfast and said get your own breakfast rudely. He was shocked as that is a rare for me to do. At worst I would say ' I am so sorry, no time, office call in two mins, here have half mine' etc

AIBU to lose it and snap ? I didnt feel I could snap when DC around on study leave the past week, but it building up a bit

DH said ' but I did car pool run this morning and groceries' I have said this a gazillion times but I can order from Asda/tesco the weekly shop and do a better job of it without picking only markdowns and almost expired items half the time. And the car pool drop is two minutes by car after I sorted DC ready to go.

My 10 year old cooks herself lunch. Ramen, beans on toast, cheese on toast, oven stuff, stuff that needs a saucepan like soup, stuff that needs a frying pan like peppers, stuff that needs an air fryer like jacket potatoes, stuff that needs a microwave like defrosting or porridge.

The 13 year old could to (under 10 year old's tuition and guidance!) but prefers sandwiches and is lazy.

Why did you get into the habit of cooked breakfast, cooked lunch, cooked evening meal and cooking chicken goujons as an evening snack for your DS ?

Madness! You're probably exhausted not just from all the cooking but also from all the food !

FFS do not go part time. If you do that will give them more reason to expect you to wait on them. Stop being a martyr, let themselves sort themselves out. Your son needs to be able to look after himself and you are not doing him any favours. He’s certainly not going to be an appealing catch of a partner later on is he?

Doing more eggs and toast, while doing eggs and toast, doesn’t seem like a big ask. 🤷‍♀️

This is all a bit mental.
I work part time and don't make all the meals and hot chocolates you make, not even for a seven year old.

'Rod' and 'your own back' come to mind.

Why cant he turn on the washing machine himself???
I am genuinely agog at this! I have 2 adult sons. At 16 they could do all this stuff for themselves, plus make an evening meal for the family, make a fab gin and tonic and whatever else needed doing!

He's 16!!!! Old enough to join the army!

Wait - YOU STILL MADE YOUR SON THE SANDWICH?! Ffs op - i give up!! Good luck to you.

You say ‘that’s right son’.

You are doing the world no favours at all in raising another lazy, entitled man.

The correct response to “Can I get some toast and eggs too” is “sure, I’ll be out of your way in a moment as I’m start work/whatever job”. Fuck that for any day other than a Sunday when I may do a cooked breakfast (perhaps once in 4 weeks).

The fact that your 16 year old is incapable of making himself a sandwich, hot chocolate or any sort of lunch. Lord knows how he will cope if he goes to university.

@OneThingAfterTheOther on its own it sounds unreasonable. But when I read the wider context of what you are doing I felt your frustration. Gosh I had heart palpitations myself. You are HUMAN!
you snapped. It’s simply a sign of needing a break and hubby should be aware. We can’t all be happy clappy all
the time. Real life happens!!!!!!

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I’m currently in a bad way mentally and physically due to exhaustion from long covid, a disability and feeling like I’m doing absolutely everything. I’m in bed at 3 having a rest after being up since 6 doing everything.

this week has been bad I had to order an online shop at half 12 at night , can’t currently drive to get it due to disability and DP was having a strop about being asked to buy more bread.

so I made it easier when I ordered with really rubbish meals. We’ve got fruit sandwiches, toast, eggs cereal for breakfast and lunches as we normally do but recently I’ve been left each day making everyone up and putting it in the fridge. then for meals this week all veggie I’ve gone for mash, veg and quorn escalopes, chilli and rice, pasta bake garlic bread green veg and salad, quiche, new potatoes and salad, baked potatoes baked beans cheese and salad, ready meals with frozen veg and salad and chips with veggie burgers. Completely rubbish meals but I’ve honestly had enough.

luckily next week my DP is working away for the whole week so my adult DC and I are going to have a hunt through the freezer and cupboards together and make up an easy meal plan for ourselves for the week from what we’ve got in.

No idea why this has started up but I feel like a 1950s house wife. My DP and I are going through a bad patch as I think he’s been utterly selfish.

Sexism and laziness aren't in the diagnostic criteria for autism.

Yes, exactly - so DH can do it themself!!

I don’t understand men who want a Stepford wife while they are incapable of financially providing for their family and require their wife/partner to work.

I am a SAHM and while I make dinner I do the ironing I don’t make lunch, breakfast or snacks for my partner. It would be utterly relentless to do everything.

So you can earn less money, but have more time to pander to them…

What a ridiculous idea!

Keep your job, your money and make them step up!

You’re raising another man like your DH!

You tell him to make his own! And yours too.

Well it’s mainly self imposed. Why is a 16 year old being treated like a 6 year old? 2 min car journeys - no walk. 4 meals a day - no make some of your own.

I don’t do half of this and I work FT with two younger kids.

You are doing your son no favours. He is nearly an adult and needs to function as one. Both me and DH work full time. Our DDs are 13 and 17. The 17 year old cooks family dinner 3-4 times a week. Both make own breakfast and lunch. Both do their own laundry and have been since they were old enough to understand the buttons. Both are expected to pitch in with all household chores - we all live here so we all care for the place. During exam time this does change so they can focus- but when I had a c section for the 3 year old they stepped up and covered me. They need to be able to work hard but still maintain a life without domestic servants.

I just don’t know how you have sleepwalked into this. Presumably your husband has been pretty useless throughout but you’ve raised 3 children before your son who presumably are functioning adults. Why would you not have shown your son how to do things? Why would you not have looked at any point in the last 6-10 years at the balance of the domestic work? I don’t know why women expect so little of their male partners at all, or how they can share a bed with someone that apparently can’t work a washing machine or vacuum cleaner. It sounds like he only does the shopping so that he can buy the cheapest of the things he likes to eat rather than actually take responsibility for the household diet.

My DH is in IT. He could take down several major organisations’ systems with 1 laptop button. He can also work the washing machine, cook, iron, clean, vacuum and mop floors perfectly well. You’re doing it all, so what is stopping your husband?

in fact, during lockdown my DH was the one at home while o was out working as a key worker. I bought him a fancy Thai cooking course afterwards as he was bored of his own repertoire, and now he whips up all sorts and enjoys cooking (and makes sure all the knives are sharpened properly!).

@OneThingAfterTheOther do you have recipe books? Or your son is on Instagram? Encourage him to start cooking for all of you. Point him towards your recipe books, or I recently found @ whatinthechef on Instagram who shares some lush South Asian recipes. My dd is 15 and since young childhood has wanted to be independent so wants to do as much for herself as she can- she’s a great baker, and can also make a range of meals. I wouldn’t be worried about her feeding herself decent food if she left home tomorrow.

But all young people are likely to need to houseshare with other adults at some point and they need to be able to do housework and to look after themselves- laundry, cleaning, cooking. These are basic life skills for everyone. Tell your DS and DH that if DS doesn’t have these skills, he will be dependent upon others for his whole life- does he really not want to be independent for himself?

She did. He said no, only to change his mind when hers was ready!

She asked him.
He said no thanks.
She made hers and ready to eat it he asks her to make some for him.
She, very reasonably, says no.

'It'll only take a few minutes' people say.
Yes, it will only take HIM a few minutes, so he can just get on and do it while she eats hers.

Indeed, that's why she asked if he wanted some. He said no. Changed his mind when OP had finished cooking and was about to eat. Makes no sense for her then to start cooking again and let her own food get cold while the husband just stands there.

Madness that you plan to go part time at work just to pander to a selfish manchild and a spoilt teenager. You know you will never break the cycle of doing everything when you work less than husband.

Batch cook one day at the weekend and freeze dinners for the week. Your husband and son make dinner on the other weekend day. Everyone makes their own breakfast and lunch. Teach your 16 year old how to do laundry and that becomes his permanent chore. It's not difficult to make changes.

I used to cook my dad his dinner twice a week aged fourteen. And enjoyed doing it. He enjoyed eating it.
A child of sixteen can get lunch and cups of things for themselves.

I often wonder at posts like this. Written in such a way as to seek the sympathy of the reader and to encourage them to say that OH is a waste of space etc.

One minute you are having eggs minutes before going to work but are just having a lie down first. Some of it made no sense.