Colleague warning me off reporting inappropriate group chat

[JutrScot]

I’ve been made aware (with evidence) of some male colleagues who have a non work group chat with each other in which sexualised comments have been made about me and other colleagues.

The colleague who made me aware of this has said there’s no point reporting this as 1. It’s a non work group chat with messages outside of working hours and 2. Incase of any implications on our own careers.

I want to press ahead to report but she has given me some slight doubt. I’d appreciate anyone with a greater grasp of these matters than me giving an indication.

I’d definitely report it OP, at the very least to make them squirm.

Where I work, we would be encouraged to report this and it would be dealt with harshly. There is a big focus on improving culture.

I agree the sleazeballs should be called out but at what cost? I don’t agree that much has changed. I have recently witnessed someone make a complaint but it didn’t get anywhere and the bullies got away with it. Too many colleagues prefer to be bystanders and don’t want to get involved. The OPs colleague has already warned her off from reporting the matter so I doubt they will support her / speak up if she goes ahead with a complaint. It’s difficult when people have bills to pay, families to feed and jobs are scarce.

I think people are kidding themselves if they think this also doesnt happen in reverse, women do talk about men that they work with in quite crude ways. How come we're not jumping up and down about that?

If OP is being directly harrassed, bullied, thats one thing and she should take them to town. But being aware of some stupid school boy comments about shagging her, that someone else sent her, when it doesnt appear to be expressed at work in any way (if the OP is all there is to it) then thats a different thing

I would like to know how 'HR' (and I dont know what sort of HR this is because that wouldnt be the case where I work, they simply deal with issuing contracts) would say they need to see someones private phone. They're not police and no crime has been committed here anyway

A group of male work colleagues discussing which female colleague they want to have sex with is a disciplinary matter - if it's in electronic form then this is an aggravating factor. Totally irrelevant that it's not on work phones. Since you do have evidence you should report it. I see posts on Mumsnet every single day complaining about disgusting male behaviour so I can't believe people are saying oh ignore it you can't do anything. Of course you can do something, you can report it to HR and let them deal with it. And if they retaliate you can bring a grievance under whistleblower protection.

Funnily enough, up to a point I agree. (Female engineer!) But it's not a reputation that I deserved, or that everyone would want. He shouldn't have said anything at all - I'd rather be known as "fair", "reasonable" etc.

I haven't RTFT, so not sure if this has been mentioned but...
If the messages were not sent on company phones, then there is another question:
What time were the messages sent? 🤔
Because if it's during working hours, then it should be seen as wasting company time as well. 😡
None of it sounds good. It needs sorting. Very grim.
@JutrScot

Doesn’t matter where they’re doing it. If the only reason these men know each other is via work, then it’s work related and it’s now an inter personal matter between OP and the colleague she now knows is talking about her in such a disgusting manner. How is she supposed to maintain a working relationship with him ? It has significant implications in the workplace for those who have been talked about in this way, and for those doing the talking.

This makes me really sad.

In every place I’ve worked this would be taken extremely seriously with the utmost discretion. I know of two instances of dismissals and demotion in a situation just like this.

Nobody is saying that women don't do this too. In fact, a couple of people on this thread has said that they do it to their male colleagues but thinks it's fine. This thread is about a bunch of men talking about their female colleagues though.

There is a historic pattern where men sexually harrassing women is far more common than the reverse. These days people are generally more educated on the impact it has on the person being harrassed luckily, but some do evidently still live in the dark ages where their need for sleaziness trumps their colleagues need for feeling respected.

There are screenshots of these conversations, so that will be a great start for an investigation for HR. Then how far they take it is anyones guess.

So you admit this isn’t what ‘will’ happen, but what may happen if op works at a crap company.

In other words, you don’t know. In fact, she may well work somewhere that would take this very seriously - as many of us on here have said our employers would.

That judgement call is up to op. She knows her employer. It’s fine to warn about bad experiences you’ve had, but you and others simply cannot state with authority that her concerns will be dismissed and nothing will come of this.

I stand by what I said: in my company I’d encourage a report.

Well I suppose be a grown up and either ignore it, or if she wants to address it, show him the screenshot and give him a rollicking in front of the whole team

Although she would probably get done for work place harrassment then or something.

A group of men were sacked from my workplace for this BUT the conversation was on work mobile phones which I think is how the organisation was able to sack them.

I haven’t worked in HR for a while and honestly most of the times I read these ‘should I report to HR’ threads I roll my eyes, because it’s as if people can’t resolve issues by talking anymore and instead have to resort to formal complaints, which waste time, and resources.

This is different though and I’d happily haul over the coals any employee who did this and would ignore any protestations of ‘but it’s private and not on company time’. It’s gross and juvenile and I’d make it known that in my eyes, there is very little upside to employing or promoting individuals who display this kind of behaviour.

Well, if you want to be pedantic, I’ll be too: she doesn’t know her employer because she’s literally created this thread.

My God, the absolute point scoring and “oh but you said WILL” tee hee nitpicking on here is exhausting. Plenty of posters have said “yeah, this has backfired on me” or, indeed, “this will end badly”…don’t shoot the messengers just because you don’t like the message of how, overwhelming, society and workplaces are.

This makes me really sad that you think we should just put up with this kind of behaviour . Of course she should report it.

I know of at least 2 cases at my work which resulted in the men involved being dismissed or demoted. the men (and yes they were all men) were advised to show their phones or face disciplinary action. There’s always one member thats in the group that’s not actually said anything too heinous that’s willing to show the rest of the chat.

And yes, women can be crude. But the OP is asking about her personal situation. You are kidding yourself if you don’t think this is a 95% male issue.

I am hoping this view that boys will be boys, you’re not actually affected etc is an old fashioned view that is fading.

I'd report it, dirty little fuckers, how would they feel if it was about their wife,daughters sister.

Of course you can still report it.

Employers can and do check teams chat. Any of you can make an anonymous report.

Companies are way less likely to let this slide these days.

If she was 'putting up' with something and having to endure harrassment I would be all over this, I would protect my staff

But what exactly is she 'putting up with'.

‘Not on work time or on work phones’ is a complete myth. Work-related impact is what matters, not where it happened. It involved identifiable colleagues, it’s created a hostile work environment and it’s impacted employee’s dignity. That crosses into workplace misconduct.

If comments circulate then a private chat is not a shield, and HR will take it seriously especially if comments are sexual or degrading, colleagues have been named and it’s impacting those colleagues at work.

Report. 100%.

It fucking grim but every company ive worked for i know this happens - the bigger the corp, the harsher the punishment will be imo - the smaller ones, let it slide, i should know as i was one of the ones they spoke about in the chat. Just GRIM. The last one i worked for they all got a 'warning'.

She is putting up with being sexually harrassed by a group of male colleagues.

She’s putting up with feeling uncomfortable at work, knowing that her colleagues have sexualised her.

@MauriceTheMussel - it’s not nitpicking or pedantic to say there’s a world of difference between flatly telling someone what will happen and sharing your own experiences.

I work in this field. I care about it. One of the very great challenges is getting people to trust you. It becomes extremely difficult when this is undone by people like you confidently (and in my case very incorrectly) painting an overwhelmingly negative picture.

Why are you trying to police speech, though? Have you never talked about someone about something before? Do you want all of your thoughts recorded and announced to the detriment of your reputation/career?

I think pragmatism needs to be used here. What do the messages say? Are they threatening? Illegal? Or just something that made you uncomfortable but not something you'd have been aware of if someone else hadn't taken their messages and showed them off without permission or awareness?