Colleague warning me off reporting inappropriate group chat

[JutrScot]

I’ve been made aware (with evidence) of some male colleagues who have a non work group chat with each other in which sexualised comments have been made about me and other colleagues.

The colleague who made me aware of this has said there’s no point reporting this as 1. It’s a non work group chat with messages outside of working hours and 2. Incase of any implications on our own careers.

I want to press ahead to report but she has given me some slight doubt. I’d appreciate anyone with a greater grasp of these matters than me giving an indication.

What happened to them?

I honestly don't know how it all ended up.

Honestly I think work whatsapp chats should only be allowed if they are officially workplace sanctioned and management and HR have full access to the content.

Yeah, who said romance is dead eh?

If OP reports this, the colleague will be involved. She may not want that. She might have shared the information just as a heads up.

I was under the impression it wasn't on social media but on a private WhatsApp or something similar. Isn't that basically the same as just talking to someone privately?

If people are under the impression their colleagues, male and female, don't discuss them when outside work I think they need to realise that's very unlikely.

And no, if a male colleague said to his friends he wanted to have sex with me it wouldn't bother me because a) i wouldn't know and b) I realise this is how many men and women talk amongst themselves about people they know.

If someone was threatening rape, violence etc then that of course is entirely different.

It appears the only reason OP knows is because yhd ex of one of the men has an axe to grind.

The social media policy is a red herring. It doesn't matter what mechanisms the colleagues used to discuss her, if it were a face to face conversation down the pub on a Saturday night it would still be creating a hostile work environment. The employer has a right to discipline staff who sexually harass colleagues in this manner and, in fact, a duty to do so.

It wouldn't bother you if your male colleagues were discussing having group sex with you?...

Okay 🤨

So short sighted.

If its a private conversation between 3 or so people, unbeknownst to the subject how is that sexual harassment? If the entire office are discussing OP and it's part of the workplace banter then that's completely different.

It's not nice, I'll agree but people say all sorts of things about colleagues outside the office and as long as it doesn't have violent intent im not sure it can be policed.

How on earth would i know what colleagues, neighbours etc etc discuss in their own time?

That's what mean by not being bothered. I agree its not great for the OP to have found this out, but is it really possible to police private, not violent, discussion between individuals in their own time?

That is the point i'm trying to make.

It isn't just about you knowing what they said, though, as has happened in OP's case, people may tell you. But even if you aren't aware of the conversation itself, the impact can subtly, and not so subtly, affect the way you are treated by those who are party to it.

It doesn't matter whether you know or not.

It completely undermines your position in the workplace.

Honestly I think you must be thick. Sorry. But I do.

I'm really not thick, I just don't bother myself with what other people might be saying about me when I have no control over it and it doesn't affect me anyway.

Mm. But the point you're making is wrong.
It does affect you.
You just can't seem to see that.

A group of male colleagues discussing how you would be best used during group sex does affect you because it damages your professionalism and how you are viewed at work. You don’t need to know about it for it to be damaging to you.

The point is she did find out.

You may not think it affects you (it does as PP say) but it also affects others, because you can bet your bottom dollar they're saying the same thing and worse about other women. And because nobody says anything they think it's all ok to do so. And so it continues as infinitum.

I would share the screen shot with HR and say you feel distressed how your colleagues are talking about you behind your back.

You might or might not have a decent HR department but it's worth sharing the screenshot and your feelings with them in case they turn out not to be totally useless.

If you'd just given your viewpoint I'd accept that. Except you've also been shouting down everyone here who isn't confirming to your viewpoint. That isn't exactly allowing the OP to 'take a lot of views' is it?

Yes but if it breaches company policy…. https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/british-airways-fat-shaming-stewardess-staff-suspended-b2567727.html

This has been posted twice now. What was the outcome?

There's no sign that I can find that the outcome found way into the public domain and if it didn't I guess it's possible anyone in the know might be wary of saying much...company policy and all that....

Yes. I suppose I dont know why people are posting it given that ok they got suspedned, but then what?

People get suspended for stuff all the time, doesnt necessarily come to anything.

I think they (that includes me) are posting it to point out that there might be some jeopardy in assuming that "hey, it's Wattsapp, private group, own time..can't be touched"... it might depend on where you work.

BA certainly was a company that had a pretty rigid/draconian policy with regard to social media and comms (including Wattsapp groups) so I wouldn't be surprised if this resulted in more than a suspension for those involved but I genuinely don't know.

'Shouting down' You're having a laugh. How am I doing that? Shouting is in capital letters for a start ! : )

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what forums are for. No-one comes on here and timidly say's "Oh well this is just my opinion but...." People plainly state their experience so it can be drawn on or not. It has no impact on me what the OP, you, or anyone else does in a situation like this but at the end of the day, these men are just being disgusting but OP would never have known about it if her colleague hadn't told her. I lost a well paying job because injuries (and a possible death) were being caused by negligence of a co-worker and even though I had union, it was worked so that after ten years, I was out in the cold.

If I had been part of a class action, gone anonymous or kept my 'mortgage mouth shut', I would have personally been better served but I took advice from the governing body of my profession and decided to put it into in writing because I had reported six times and nothing was done. I too thought I was doing 'a good thing' and, in my case it was effective because the person concerned 'retired'. The eighteen months it was happening made me so mentally ill I had to go to the GP for drugs and this was over something I could actually change. Men like this with their filthy minds - it isn't going to change. OP will look like a tit and the colleague that alerted her to it will get thrown under the bus.

Whether you 'accept that' makes no odds. It doesn't change the fact that OP and her colleague could, not necessarily would but could, be exposing themselves to issues down the pike. It's not right but it's what happens.

So she’s using you to do her bidding for her now because of how the relationship ended but she didn’t care about what was said when they were dating. Stay well out of it she’s using
you to get revenge on him.