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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Colleague warning me off reporting inappropriate group chat

227 replies

JutrScot · 23/04/2026 20:33

I’ve been made aware (with evidence) of some male colleagues who have a non work group chat with each other in which sexualised comments have been made about me and other colleagues.

The colleague who made me aware of this has said there’s no point reporting this as 1. It’s a non work group chat with messages outside of working hours and 2. Incase of any implications on our own careers.

I want to press ahead to report but she has given me some slight doubt. I’d appreciate anyone with a greater grasp of these matters than me giving an indication.

OP posts:
CharleneElizabethBaltimore · 23/04/2026 20:36

from what i understand yes morally the group is omg, but im not hr but i believe your collegue is correct on those points , unless its on works phones then how would the company prove the chats etc ?

21ZIGGY · 23/04/2026 20:37

Some "men" in my work have a similar chat, but it is on teams and it includes a woman.And they also make inappropriate sexual comments about other staff particularly young women. I've heard about it but can't report it because i'm not in the chat and it really infuriates me that the woman that's in the chat let's it go on.

We have to stamp this bullshit out, and I think you should report

TwelvePinkDolphins · 23/04/2026 20:39

I reported a colleague for inappropriate behaviour at a work adjacent but not work event it was taken seriously. He was also making really awful comments about colleagues, he had form for it and this was just too far.

I would report to HR or someone senior anyway. It’s no loss to you.

worldshottestmom · 23/04/2026 20:39

Report it. It doesn't matter who's time it is on, now that the targeted colleagues know about it is a serious issue. Doing it behind their back is not okay in any reality. Creating such a disgusting workplace culture, be it on WhatsApp or in person, is completely unacceptable.

I had a guy from my old workplace sending topless selfies to random female staff. It was through Snapchat and no screenshots were taken, but having multiple people report him was enough for them to take disciplinary action.

HatAndScarf33 · 23/04/2026 20:42

Have you got any evidence of the chats? If not, I fear it will just be a ‘he said / she said’ scenario because if this is a private WhatsApp, on their own devices, I wouldn't think your employer can insist on seeing it and they can simply delete and deny it. I think that puts you in a tricky spot because although you are complaining shouldn't go against you, I think unfortunately it can with some people. So I don't think it will get you anywhere, which I appreciate is unfair and frustrating.

JutrScot · 23/04/2026 20:46

HatAndScarf33 · 23/04/2026 20:42

Have you got any evidence of the chats? If not, I fear it will just be a ‘he said / she said’ scenario because if this is a private WhatsApp, on their own devices, I wouldn't think your employer can insist on seeing it and they can simply delete and deny it. I think that puts you in a tricky spot because although you are complaining shouldn't go against you, I think unfortunately it can with some people. So I don't think it will get you anywhere, which I appreciate is unfair and frustrating.

There is a screenshot of one of the exchanges. It’s from last summer, but the staff all still work at the company.

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 23/04/2026 20:54

Don’t report it.

They won’t get punished. You will be viewed negatively by corporate.

JWhipple · 23/04/2026 20:55

21ZIGGY · 23/04/2026 20:37

Some "men" in my work have a similar chat, but it is on teams and it includes a woman.And they also make inappropriate sexual comments about other staff particularly young women. I've heard about it but can't report it because i'm not in the chat and it really infuriates me that the woman that's in the chat let's it go on.

We have to stamp this bullshit out, and I think you should report

I'd report that. Surely it's inappropriate use of work resources and time, given it's on teams? My employer would be able to look at these messages, same as if emails were inappropriate.
Plus if it's all fine and dandy why haven't they set up a group chat on WhatsApp? Are they worried spouses might see the grim stuff they're saying?

Backawayfromthesausage · 23/04/2026 20:57

What were the comments ?

if it’s not work chat on not work devices then they won’t do much and yes you will be negatively viewed , the repurcussions on you will be more long term than them,

JutrScot · 23/04/2026 21:00

Backawayfromthesausage · 23/04/2026 20:57

What were the comments ?

if it’s not work chat on not work devices then they won’t do much and yes you will be negatively viewed , the repurcussions on you will be more long term than them,

Discussing which colleagues they’d choose for group sex.

The reply I saw named someone to have sex with, one to sit on his face and named me as ‘working his arse’ whatever that means.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 23/04/2026 21:02

JutrScot · 23/04/2026 21:00

Discussing which colleagues they’d choose for group sex.

The reply I saw named someone to have sex with, one to sit on his face and named me as ‘working his arse’ whatever that means.

Fuck, that's grim. I would report it to HR. It would be taken very seriously where I worked.

NoisyMonster678 · 23/04/2026 21:07

Go with your gut feeling, regardless of what others say.

If you are seeing both good and bad reasons for reporting then wait until your gut feeling is stronger.

If your feeling the same then go ahead and report it but only if you feel 100% ready.

Esthai · 23/04/2026 21:11

I think you would be justified in raising a complaint about this.

However, I was once the investigating manager into a Christmas party incident where something similar was said you a female graduate. He was let go as a result of my investigation - there was enough evident to make it unequivocal and our (male) department head was absolutely adamant he had to go. (It was not my decision, I just collated and presented the evidence.)

The (male) line manager of the sacked person said I had been "harsh" openly.

It was openly gossiped that the female graduate had been "oversensitive".

That is why your colleague is highlighting that making such a complaint can affect your own career. It is rarely helpful to be known as "the sensitive one who complained" and unfortunately people do gossip.

B1anche · 23/04/2026 21:19

Any decent employer would take this seriously. Please report it. The fact that it is in a private chat or out of work hours is irrelevant. You have to work with these people and they are making highly inappropriate comments about you.

DeftWasp · 23/04/2026 21:28

JutrScot · 23/04/2026 21:00

Discussing which colleagues they’d choose for group sex.

The reply I saw named someone to have sex with, one to sit on his face and named me as ‘working his arse’ whatever that means.

However grim this is, and it is, everything depends on whether it was:

1- Done on company time

2- Done on company equipment.

If this chat happened out of work hours and on their personal phones HR will have no ability to view the content or take any form of action.

DeftWasp · 23/04/2026 21:29

B1anche · 23/04/2026 21:19

Any decent employer would take this seriously. Please report it. The fact that it is in a private chat or out of work hours is irrelevant. You have to work with these people and they are making highly inappropriate comments about you.

Bear in mind that if this chat was on personal devices there is no way the employer can see it (unless one of these blokes offers it up) so proof would be very hard.

appleblanket · 23/04/2026 21:30

Inappropriate WhatsApp comments by colleagues in the UK can have severe legal and employment consequences, as tribunals and courts increasingly treat these messages as formal evidence. Inappropriate content—such as bullying, discrimination, sexual harassment, or offensive "banter"—can lead to disciplinary action, including gross misconduct and dismissal, even if the messages were sent on private phones or after hours.

I would definitely report this. In some cases, even failing to report it as a bystander, can lead to serious consequences.

PearTreeBoat · 23/04/2026 21:39

Chances are your work has some sort of social media policy which they would be falling foul of even if using their personal phones.
WhatsApp is classed as social media and using personal phones doesn’t exempt employees from the policy though it does become harder to prove.

Patan · 23/04/2026 21:50

MauriceTheMussel · 23/04/2026 20:54

Don’t report it.

They won’t get punished. You will be viewed negatively by corporate.

I'm head of compliance for my organisation. I'm 'corporate'.

I would encourage the OP to report any concerns of this type in my organisation. Whether anything would be substantiated is another matter (as it always is), but I would investigate with an open mind and would certainly never view a concern like this 'negatively' unless the complaint was made maliciously.

Balloonhearts · 23/04/2026 21:55

Grim. But technically, if it isn't on company time or company phones and isn't a work chat, they're doing nothing wrong. Are they pigs? Yes. But if being disgusting and a lech was a crime, we'd have a serious population problem.

They can say whatever they want on a private group chat. However wouldn't it be a shame if that screenshot got sent to some of their wives?

RawBloomers · 23/04/2026 22:08

Grim. But technically, if it isn't on company time or company phones and isn't a work chat, they're doing nothing wrong.

This is true in the sense of they personally cannot be held criminally responsible for breaking any laws (that I can think of). But in terms of it being work place harassment of the women they talk about and creating a hostile environment the employer can hold them responsible and discipline them for their activities even though it’s out of work time and on their own devices. The issue would be the employer being able to adequately investigate it or for OP to prove it if she took the employer to a tribunal.

Hankunamatata · 23/04/2026 22:13

Id be careful someone isnt sett8ng up the gun for you to fire. If they had screen shot from last summer then why now?

likelysuspect · 23/04/2026 22:19

RawBloomers · 23/04/2026 22:08

Grim. But technically, if it isn't on company time or company phones and isn't a work chat, they're doing nothing wrong.

This is true in the sense of they personally cannot be held criminally responsible for breaking any laws (that I can think of). But in terms of it being work place harassment of the women they talk about and creating a hostile environment the employer can hold them responsible and discipline them for their activities even though it’s out of work time and on their own devices. The issue would be the employer being able to adequately investigate it or for OP to prove it if she took the employer to a tribunal.

How can it be workplace harrassment? If its not at work and the OP hasnt actually been harrassed. She didnt know about it until someone told her?

Hedgehogforshort · 23/04/2026 22:33

@RawBloomers is totally correct, and the messages described are at the most egregious end of sexual harassment, creating a hostile environment etc.

And likely conduct that would bring the company in to disrepute. A common clause in most contracts of employment.

There are plenty of tribunals where this has been an issue.Employees are not free to conduct this behaviour as if away from work. They would not know each other but for their employment, and but for social media, these conversations would have occurred at work, in lunch or at the pub after work.

it is fucking outrageous.

I would be reporting it.

RawBloomers · 24/04/2026 00:15

likelysuspect · 23/04/2026 22:19

How can it be workplace harrassment? If its not at work and the OP hasnt actually been harrassed. She didnt know about it until someone told her?

Employment tribunals have consistently found that conduct in this sort of situation is conduct that employers can police. Because the guys wouldn't know each other if it weren't for work, they wouldn't know the women they are commenting on if it weren't for work and their actions create a hostile environment in their place of work. So employers can be held accountable for allowing that sort of behaviour to continue and can enforce policies that forbid it.

In terms of her not knowing so how can it be harassment- a) someone has told her about it so she does know. That is always a risk with conversations, so them being intended to be "private" is no defence. and b) even if she never found out it would be considered to be creating a hostile environment because it impacts on the way those involved int he conversation interact with and view the women they are commenting on, and probably other women too.