to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

It's really good fun.

It's the only place that I am ever seen doing the "Proud Mary" Tina Turner shimmy. Mind you, I don't do [m]any of the jumps in the other routines. My star jump is more of a side shuffle.

Unfortunately, none of my pregnancies reached full term. Even if they had, I doubt that my parents would have been fit enough to look after children of mine.

I realise that providing support and care for my parents was a choice on my part, but I sometimes find the transactional outlook on some MN posts a bit of a shock. I've seen the same on Reddit: "I didn't choose to be born."

ETA I'm not talking about those who had abusive parents. I wouldn't expect anyone to remain in contact with their abusers.

OP you're starting to sound very fed up. I'm guessing that you haven't been happy with the arrangement for some time but haven't even voiced those thoughts to yourself because you didn't want to know where it would lead you. What they did has been the catalyst (along with this thread) for those thoughts to find that voice.

I hope when you've had time to reflect you will arrive at whatever answer suits you - and that you can enjoy your retirement in the way that you should be able to.

What is it you want to achieve from now knowing this information? Catching up on your replies it sounds like you are annoyed at being the only grandparent providing childcare but not wanting to step down (as it seems like you don't want them to have to pay for childcare like everyone else does).
You need to accept that the FIL has clear boundaries - whether he was asked and said no, or if just deemed unsuitable in doing so you need to stop comparing yourself to him. You are your own person and the boundaries you set are up to you. You seem reluctant to stop helping and have ignored where people have said they will get 30 hours free. Yes there will be possible restrictions but why is it you don't want them to be independent and face up to this like many other parents have to?
Once the children start school are you going to want to provide the wraparound care then?
As not being funny, nursery was a lot cheaper than when mine started school and paying for breakfast and after school clubs (where there is no funding). I didn't have to pay for a holiday club (work term time only) but you are setting yourself up for the long run if you are doing it so they don't have to pay out.

I have told them I am going to take a week off in May to fully decide what I am going to do next.

I haven't ignored the free 30 hours - I said it is not always free. That is for them to sort out. They have saved a lot of money by me doing childcare so I am not worried about that.

I am thinking that the other DC may also want childcare when they start families (if they do) so it may be best for me to stop now.

I think your daughter and her husbands are cheeky fuckers and won’t be happy when you hopefully downgrade the childcare

my friends daughter had a baby and my friend was happy to do 2 days a week childcare

daughter is now having baby number to and just assumed that her mum would do the same for baby no 2 - didn’t even ask her

but my friend has refused as baby no 1 is in infants school this September so no she assumed that she would no longer be needed to do 2 days a week , maybe do the odd school run or baby sitting

daughter and son in law have been absolutely vile to my friend

even down to hinting that she may not be able to afford to have baby no2 ( hinting at a termination ) if her mum won’t do the same childcare - lots of tears and tantrums
but my friend is adamant she is not looking after baby no 2

my stepson and his wife have a toddler and his wife dad looks after the baby 3 days a week

they have also hinted at my DH to do the other 2 days a week childcare but he’s refused even though he is semi retired and could do it

he doesn’t want to be tied down for the next few years

This is awful. I am sorry your friend has been treated so badly by her daughter and son in law. So much pressure on your friend with the tears and tantrums. It is like emotional blackmail. Happy to hear she is not giving in.

Fair enough. It was just that you mentioned in a few posts that he doesn't do childcare for them and I just wanted to show that he doesn't have to. Neither of you do. You have been very kind and saved them a lot of money

I'm pleased you are taking some time for you and to have the space to decide what to do. 3 days with Young children is tough and tiring. I hope you can reach a decision you are happy with

This is awful.

Many do but it’s still something to be angry about

I'm a bit torn on this as on my first reading of this I was like, 'oh this is a bit cheeky' but actually many people take time off during the time their children are in childcare to get stuff done. They probably did feel cheeky to ask but thought this is the lesser of two evils and they wouldn't have to ask you to do 'extra babysitting' in the evenings as you do so much already.

FIL is irrelevant in this really as you retired and agreed to this arrangement. I assume he did not. I'm not saying you should continue doing it if it no longer works for you but resenting FIL isn't the right thing to do considering he never offered to do childcare from the sounds of things, you did.

I think it's absolutely fine to say it's too much - I did 2 under 2 and I was exhausted in my 30s let alone my 60s. However, don't use this as an excuse to resent them and make them feel guilty forever more. Admit it's too much and this feels so awful for you because it's a lot of work and you now want to enjoy your retirement.

Honestly, don't go too far with this though as I assume you still want to see your GC regularly without having the commitment for caring 3 days a week?

Any child who decides to withdraw visits and access to the GC by a grandmother because the GM has decided childcare is becoming too exhausting after having done it for years and saving them ££££ is a not nice person.

It makes grandparents not want to offer to help in the first place

many people take time off during the time their children are in childcare to get stuff done. They probably did feel cheeky to ask but thought this is the lesser of two evils and they wouldn't have to ask you to do 'extra babysitting' in the evenings as you do so much already.

Totally different. They weren't taking time off to do jobs in the house or decorating, they were off on a jolly and posting about it on social media and lying telling the grandparent they were WFH

Yes it was lying by omission but plenty of parents do it - life with small children is hard and I can only make assumptions about their motives but I can see why they wouldn't want to ask for more babysitting if OP was already doing so much!

I'm not saying it's right, but I can see why they did it.

If this was in response to me, it would be awful to withhold access due to not being able to do childcare any longer. This was in response to OP potentially holding onto the resentment and making them feel guilty for what they did forever more - I'd see my parent a lot less if they held a mistake against me, it wouldn't be about the not doing childcare.

It is a sneaky way to get more childfree time. I was doing childcare for date nights too.

All their childcare is done by me. The FIL does nothing.

I am not intending to make them guilty forevermore.

It’s not lying by omission. They deliberately lied, dropping off the children dressed for work and then going off on an outing - and bragging on SM. They’re not even paying anything for the childcare.

@zeezay what are your plans for the week you're taking off? I hope you have something nice planned for yourself.

So you mean if your parents could not physically help you because they are older and more tired than when your sister had kids you hold that against them?

fwiw I don’t think children have a duty of care to ailing parents but to imply that childcare and only childcare buys “regard” seems absurd to me. There are so many ways to help in a loving family according to the needs of both parties.

Agree. They went to great lengths to deceve the op. And yes young children are hard work, lots of us have been there, but you still cannot be lying to someone who's doing free childcare for you. That's extremely disrespectful behaviour.

I am going to book a cottage in the countryside. Go on lots of walks, just enjoy the freedom of doing what I want when I want!

That sounds bliss.

No, it wasn't in response to you at all.

I was just speaking in general.

If you can't look after your kids, don't have them. I would never have expected my parents to take on children so young and so often. The odd overnighter fair enough but they are not your responsibility. I'd be becoming less and less available, time to enjoy your retirement.