to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

Op have you thought about getting away for a week to have a break and think about what you want. Op please ignore the poster who is being horrible to you maybe she needs her coffee fix to be kind.

You are fucking horrible why not go and get a cup of coffee and leave this post your opinion is shit so go on focus.

And if they worked that evening instead? Is that really a big deal?

Maybe their marriage is fine because they spend some short dates together?

I think you may not have intended to address the OP here....

I would check my parent was ok with this because they may love an hour to rest, meet a friend, anything really - they may appreciate the chance to do whatever it is you're getting on with!! I wouldn't just assume they're available just so you can have a rest unless they've said that. Making up the time in the evening means their dad could have them. I think you're confusing a kindness with a service you've paid for. Your parents are helping you have a career and keep a roof over your head. At least they think they are.

No I was talking to nasty poster I may have quoted the wrong message. Thanks

When we do this, we both work in the evening to make up the time. We have tricky kids who we can't use babysitters for and my parents don't go out much in the evenings, so it's the only way we get quality time together.

When I've ended up sleeping, and it's come up in conversation, she'd very supportive of this, because she knows the kids don't sleep well and I'm exhausted.

I don't get why work had to be a day thing and dates have to be an evening thing, and if the OP would babysit in the evenings so they could have time together anyway, does I it matter which is when?

The odd thing here is the deception.

I can also see that the OP seems to feel quite respectful of having the kids and I think that feeds into the issue. My parents did/do a lot, but not at much as this (it was mostly one at a time and has varied from 1 day a week to 3 afternoons). They've taken the approach they look after them for both work and to give us some breathing space.

If having the kids that much is (understandably) too much, then that's a conversation to have with their mum, regardless of the cheeky dates.

Yes I have other DC who do not have children. I am not sure I will be able to offer the same.

I am still doing the childcare for now as I don't want to leave them in the lurch. I am still very upset and hurt but not showing it while I decide what to do next.

That is a good idea. I have told them I will not be around for a week in May so they have plenty of notice and I can think through things.

Thank you for being so kind 💐

Just be aware this may cause resentment in the future if one sibling has had loads of free childcare and the rest dont get any help.

No one is resentful towards DD's FIL who does no childcare.

Does no-one take account of the aging of the grandparents and that what was possible may not be in the future?

Grandmothers have to be fair about childcare while a lot of grandfathers do none,

They should do but not everyone does unfortunately! I have witnessed family members being expected to facilitate childcare no matter how old, sick or unfit they are.

Also sometimes family members continue to expect childcare to be as fully available to them when new grandkids come along because thats what they are used to so see it as an entitlement.

You’re welcome op some people are just not understanding your dilemma. Enjoy your break.

Well done OP. Take a rest and decide what works for you

I am just confounded that people can be so ignorant. I think the cost of childcare really makes people selfish but trying to rely just on grandma (and not even grandpa as you say) just isn't fair.

Also even if you are a very young grandma say 40s-50s if you have many grandchildren it could be unmanageable. Most people have to work and then if you have 4,5,6+ grandchildren all arriving at different times it becomes untenable.

People need to apply more reason and empathy to their parents, especially their mothers who this seems to fall on the most.

This is clearly true but I am convinced people could understand this if they wanted to!

They could but there sense of entitlement and selfishness tends to outweigh anything else.

It’s no wonder you are angry OP they have both been utterly deceitful. It’s fascinating people see fit to explain how exhausting parenting is and the necessity to keep a marriage together when you have already completed your parenting and now this is round two. I would feel so hurt that they have been effectively laughing at you behind your back by dressing in work clothes and then posting to the extent your friends need to let you know. I wonder what your other children think of their behaviour.

That's true. But the poster you quoted is simply warning you, as presumably you won't want to deal with this kind of thing. It being unfair doesn't stop it from happening.

I think that's very good reason to stop, to be honest. Because if you're still doing childcare for these parents, their siblings will imagine that you will do it for them.

Better to say no to this couple now, and draw a line under regular childcare completely. Just make it clear that it's more onerous than you expected, and that you can't carry on. Then you can offer occasional babysitting to all of them as and when they have kids. .

This is good advice. I think I do need to stop now and say it is too much rather than building expectations for other DC.

I don't think the problem is the childcare, OP has accepted to do those 3 and is happy to do so under the pretences that the parents asked due to work. If they had been honest and said what they were doing, I am sure OP would have been fine with it.

It isn't how they handled the situation that has put OP off. They lied, OP also found out through a friend. It sours the situation. They took advantage and then had the audacity to post it on social media behind OPs back. It is disrespectful and dishonest.

OP I don't know what to suggest except speaking to them about it seriously and explaining how you feel and how moving forward you expect full transparency or this arrangement will become resentful and you do not want that.

Take your week in May as you said earlier, and have a good long think about what you want for YOUR future.

If you have other children who don't have kids yet, then you are potentially facing another 10 years or so of childcare expectations as they start families.

It's absolutely fine to say that having young children for the majority of the week is proving too much for you.