to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

It’s not that easy though they rely on her now but she has said she is thinking about what to do next she doesn’t need other women slagging her off does she? They have been selfish taking time for themselves and leaving her carrying on it’s bound to have upset her and feel used by her own flesh and blood a decent daughter would have asked first.

How many spa days have they treated you to op? How many bouquets of flowers and wine and dinners have they treated you to as a thank you?

I’m guessing none.

Do you have other children who will also expect childcare. You need to say no asap.

It's big deal because they lied, and went to some lengths to set up and maintain the lie. They knew that what they were doing wasn't OK.

The very last thing someone who genuinely appreciated the sacrifice of free childcare 3 days a week would do, is take 1 or 2 days a month for themselves on the sly.

Not a flipping chance.

Three days a week is a lot and OP is not even getting paid anything, saving them a fortune. To turn up in work clothes and then sneak off for days out pretending they are working is absolutely pathetic. How can OP trust them again? They can carry on doing it but just not out it on social media. Let them look after their own children in their days off like millions of other parents or pay for childcare. OP may like to have some time off too.

I agree.

We both work flexible hours, and in the past (and in school holidays), when my parents have the kids, it's mostly so I can work, but if I take a free hours or occasionally to have a date afternoon, or tidy the house, or catch up on sleep, I don't feel guilty. I'll be making up that time in the evening. Where I've mentioned that I've since this in the part, my parents are supportive of this. I wouldn't ask them to babysit in the evenings, so sometimes we have a date in the day and work in the evenings. The odd thing here is the deception.

No-one does (have time to themselves) with young children. Children change your life, and you roll with it and do your best, or, apparently, you ask a parent to retire so that you can lie to them about how you are using your time, while also using hers. To be very very frank, these two are immature and irresponsible, and potentially below-average parents. I would dial back the support big-time, and return to a "visiting" type dynamic until they grow up and take some responsibility for their choices and circumstances.

Surely they will be using up all their annual leave doing this so you will have been working every single week without a break for the past year. Childminders and nursery staff get annual leave but you don't. The deceit and deception is upsetting and they seem to have no care for your wellbeing at all.

I assume that she loves her grandchildren but that she also does this out of a sense of duty and obligation. It is hard to say no to helping your adult children out if and it sounds as though OP's daughter is massively entitled if she is willing to deceive her mum to this extent for over a year. One or two days a month for over a year adds up to a lot of annual leave which will probably mean that OP looks after her grandchildren throughout the year without a break.

You are in the minority in being so rude and dismissive to OP.

Wow, what a patronising comment. How do you know anything about OPs financial situation or career. I'd call it a generous and loving decision which has been repaid with deceit.

I would be very hurt in your situation @zeezay and there’s no shame in not wanting to do childcare to the level you currently are. I think you need a proper discussion with your daughter about it and agree they need to look at other options and have a new plan by X date.

My mum doesn’t work and has never done regular childcare for me but does emergency/ad hoc days for which I’m very appreciative.

I have toxic family OP and had maybe two or three times in total when grandparents helped with childcare and just those 2 led to us saying the kids could not be alone unsupervised with them again. I could not imagine how amazing it would be to have support like you are giving.

So in that context they are complete piss takers. Very unfair, very entitled, and you are very certainly not being unreasonable!!

I am not looking for any medals or my DD or her DH to be called names.

I think you deserve a medal for your unpleasant posts though.

I have had a couple of bouquets of flowers. I didn't really expect anything to be honest.

Their marriage seems fine from what I can tell. They get on well and enjoy spending time as a family. One can never be certain though.

I have done childcare in the evening too so they can go out but I think it is a bit much that I do childcare so they can work, go out when they are supposed to be working and do evenings as well.

Less childcare since they don't need as much as they were making out.

Its not about expecting its about them showing gratitude for all your help.

One thing I have noticed is people that get the most help with childcare for free appreciate it the least. They also tend to take far more advantage of the person who offers the help. I genuinely think because they have so much help they often dont realise the extra work they are putting on others because they dont do the work themselves day to day. They also become quite entitled and expect this help. Unfortunately the person providing either enables this behaviour or feels pushed into continuing to "help" even when its to much for them. Neither is a positive situation least of all for the granparent who is permanently exhausted. This is just an observation I have made over the years.

On another note do you have other kids? Is this a situation that's likely to repeat with being expected to provide childcare? This is maybe something to factor in to because if no you could be running after toddlers 3 days a week in your 70s.

In fairness we didn't get the evening element.

I think there may have been an element of thoughtlessness here. It can be very easy to assume 'Mum is ok with it, Mum doesn't mind, Mum's happy to do it because she loves me/the GC'. I think the situation is now being taken for granted, when some ongoing appreciation wouldn't go amiss.
I would also be interested to know how frequently the parents do solo child care, 2 under 2 is very challenging, old enough to get into bother, young enough to have no idea of danger.
For me the deal breaker would be the deceit. I don't accept 'but you would be having them anyway'. If you are doing childcare to cover working, then a separate request should be made for social events. Yes, they may appreciate couple time, but they had 2 children in quick succession and that decision has consequences.

That’s terrible. I’d be making myself less available in future.

@zeezay I would feel exactly the same. I'm 45 and would really struggle enormously to do 3 days of childcare for such young children. You're not unreasonable to want to cut back some or all of it. They need to pay for childcare like most people do.

How are things since you brought this up? Have you been continuing to do the childcare?

I would be hugely disappointed in my son and DIL if I found out they were making a show of going to work and then had a day off, whilst I looked after the children. I have my 2 grandsons every Monday. They are 2 and 4. That's exhausting enough. I can't imagine having them for 5 days a week.....and then finding their parents had had a day off.

I dislike the sneakiness. For a year or more they have taken a day or two off work each month and gone out for the day, but have said nothing to you and have even dressed as if going to work. You only found out because someone else pointed it out.

Had they said "hey mum, if Peter and I can get the same day off work, we would like to go to Oxford for the day. Is that OK if you still have the kids?" then that's fine and you probably wouldn't have minded doing it occasionally. They bring you back a nice gift (doesn't have to be expensive - maybe a nice cake from a bakery from wherever they went) - then all good, everyone happy.

I don't know what I would do, as I wouldn't want to ruin the entire relationship, but I would definitely be looking at reducing the commitment. Maybe not immediately, I would give them a few term's notice.

But I would be feeling used and pissed off.

I don't know how they could have enjoyed themselves, particularly your daughter, thinking of you exhausted and doing the heavy lifting, quite literally, that you must have been doing. At the end of a day with small children you must have looked tired. It's an incredibly kind thing that you were doing to begin with, done out of love for their family. It speaks volumes about them that they would take advantage of that and deliberately deceive you, exhausting and making a fool out of someone they would claim to love and be grateful to. It's just appalling and so hurtful. They're grown adults and this was a conscious choice carried out many times. I'm sorry you have such an awful daughter. I would expect them to behave badly if you no longer want to help. People like this are very entitled.