to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

Maybe you also need to give notice now at ending your everyday services, maybe once the school summer holidays are over thats you done?

Or you could help out in school holidays only for instance.

You could even get details of local after school care that serves your dgc school and pass it on to you dc so they know.

Kids could go to after school care after the summer holidays are over. That gives everyone plenty of notice.

Sounds like youve been very supportive so far and also deserve your own time and able to do the days out which you speak of 💐

Several women at the gym have had to cancel attending the Wednesday afternoon Senior Flex Class because they're doing school pick-ups.

Same with the Tuesday afternoon Musical Theatre Fitness Class and Stretch - you see women running off after MTF and missing the Stretch class because they're picking up from primary school and some women coming in for the Stretch only because they've been at nursery pick-up.

So in effect punishing your parents for not providing you with childcare?

So DDs FIL shouldn't be looked after in his old age because he refuses to do childcare?

I didn't take any bitterness out on them but I also didn't provide any assistance or care when they became elderly. I left it all to my sister.

That is bitterness.

What I'm gathering here is that some people think it would be better to provide no childcare to any of your grandchildren in case you are too old or too sick to provide it to future grandchildren?

Following this, people who did not have any grandchildren and thus could not do childcare get no care from their children. Madness.

I also wouldn't be doing childcare for the summer.
The winters are long, wet, cold and often bloody miserable.
Don't lose your summer.

Also, the school picks up, which some children like to think is no big deal, IS a complete pain in the ass. It means YOU are always on the clock.

During the wet months, it is you who has to find parking.
It is you who is out in the rain collecting them.

I know from a few who were caught for it briefly, they ended up saying No, its too much of a commitment, their whole day was around it.

These things are always framed as something small, by people who don't do them.

It would be a shame to see the grandchildren less as a result but that is something I may have to accept.

There is no may about it. You will have to accept it. There is no way two working parents can support you seeing the grandchildren 3 days a week if you aren’t able or willing to take care of them independently.

They absolutely shouldn’t have lied. But I don’t see an issue with them taking a day off to spend time together.

DH and I are doing exactly that next month 1 day that my mum is due to have DD as part of our normal routine. The difference is I asked my mum.

I think it’s more you reciprocate care and help in the way that it is valuable. To one person it may be child care, to another it may be stopping by and waiting for the boiler man, it may be taking a parent to the hospital or feeding their cats on holiday.

It’s when help always flows in one direction in families that it causes resentment. My partners mum offers occasionally to pick him up from the station after a days work, he doesn’t need it- but it shows that whilst he is helping her with hospital appointments and she is helping with his brothers children he isn’t forgotten or just seen as being able to cope. I have to say I like it, it shows a kindness and recognition.

But what if the care they value is childcare and you cannot do it anymore but you could and did do it for one of your children? That seems to be that poster's example.

All relationships are give and take but I think we have to acknowledge that some things can never be the same as people grow older and things change. You may not be able to provide childcare equally between your grandchildren.

It is perfectly reasonable IMO, when childcare is spoken in terms of saving so much money for those who receive it for free, that those who don't have it, can definitely feel hard done by.

Childcare is a second morgage, and often children are planned on the assumption of free childcare.🙄

I know of several women older than me, when after providing care for two grandchildren, were now being told the "happy news" of a 3rd on the way, and balked at what they saw as a huge commitment of their time being further presumed upon.

Some very hard conversations were had.
It undoubtedly had a huge impact on their childrens lifestyle when free childcare was withdrawn as simply too much.
Grandparents used the maternity leave as a natural end to all childcare being provided.

It meant some hard conversations were had and lots of guilting, but the Grandparents never regretted it.
Tennis and golf clubs are goldmines of such stories. Us young 'uns, and pre grandchildren, have learned so much from the hard won boundaries that friends have enforced.

I agree. It's a huge difference to ask, as opposed to deceiving and pretending to be dressed for work when in fact you're going off for a jolly. To be honest, I can't imagine what was going through the OP's daughter's head - did she think she was clever, or was it funny?

My DD asks me and tells me her plans as to why she needs my help. She has always said, just say 'no' if you don't want to or it's too much. That is what a child should do, it is after all, asking for a favour.

I have to say I like it, it shows a kindness and recognition.

That seems to apply to grandmothers rather than grandfathers.

I used to work in a shop that people browsed in.... in a small town, and the number of Grandmothers wheeling in buggies (sometimes double buggies!) looking absolutely knackered was very many!
(it was never grandfathers)

Well in this example it would, because her husband is dead…

It isn’t about childcare though it’s about mucking in and helping in the way that you can with the people you also want help from. That’s why I have said here, my partner doesn’t need help with childcare, so she chooses to try to reciprocate in other ways.

Where I live there are a lot of Grandfathers picking up from school. It's something that I've noticed when I walk past.

I also occasionally pick up my DGD from school. Her school is 40 minutes from me and the demographic of the area is quite different. But last time I picked her up, there were still three grandads (albeit one of them with his wife) waiting outside DD's classroom.

Coming to drop off the kids in work clothes is a calculated deception.

the point re the children’s grandfather is a bit different. If he couldn’t be arsed parenting his own kids, leaving small kids with him seems a bit risky as he’s likely incompetent. That’s very frustrating for you though.

In any case, honestly is probably the best policy here. You can say you are exhausted as the kids are so small and full on and additionally you can say that you feel resentful that the FIL can go on holiday as he pleases, but you feel tied down

Yep. 100% certain that my late DH would have enjoyed doing pick up, and we'd have done childcare together. He absolutely loved being an involved dad, and my greatest sadness is that he never got to meet his DGDs.

I was referring to the user DeathNote1
My parents looked after my nephew's to the extent that my sister NEVER did a school run their entire childhoods. They didn't help with my children at all because they didn't want to start that again.

Other kinds of help were not mentioned and to me it sounds like childcare only would be valued.

You gave perfectly valid examples, but was not what I was referring to.

In my experience both grandparents have helped.
I mean this kindly, I think you need to take fil out of the equation. It isn't his job to offer childcare and it isn't yours. It is very kind of you to do so but it is your choice to.
Your dd and sil have shown you how they feel about it and honestly they've taken the piss. So now you decide what you would like to do going forward. Whether thats staying as it is, doing no childcare or something in between.

OT but I NEED to attend this musical fitness class 🎶🏃‍♀️🎭

I just making comparisons to FIL as he is the other grandparent.

My sister had a debt of care, I didn't. Purely transactional. Your children will likely feel the same.... & the daughter you're giving this resource to appears to quite rightly prioritise her husband over you, has no respect for you & lies to you. Good luck.

Fortunately not everyone is the same.

@DeathNote11 I don't think everyone sees family relationships like that though. My DH has several siblings, and his parents have helped out a couple of them more than the others, particularly one sister. But DH doesn't see it as transactional and he helps them in various ways now they're in their 80's.
Just because they didn't provide the same level of practical support to him doesn't mean that they haven't been good parents, he appreciates that he had a great upbringing.