to feel taken advantage of over childcare?

[zeezay]

I retired a few years ago to help my DD and her DH with their two children under 3, as childcare costs are so high. I’ve been looking after them regularly so they can work, which I was happy to do.

I’ve now come across posts on social media showing they were actually out together having days off fairly regularly. They’d drop the children dressed in work clothes and everything, so I never questioned it.

I did speak to them and they apologised, which I appreciated, but it’s made things awkward. If I’m honest, it’s been quite hard for me looking after two under 3. It’s a lot more full on than I think they realise.

I don’t begrudge them having time together, but I do feel a bit misled and like I’ve become default childcare rather than helping out when they genuinely need it.

I would hope they would not expect childcare from me in my 70s. They shouldn't need to be told but I guess they will.

The week in May could be the catalyst to you "realising" that it is all too much and that they really need to find alternative childcare.

OP, at 65 you are find this tiring which can cause inflammation to increase in your body.

Health can change so quickly, and stress as we age can be the trigger for ill health.

At 61 myself, I am so aware that my health today is an incredible blessing and tomorrow is in no way guaranteed.

I saw a family member go from fit as a fiddle at 60 to walking with a cane at 70.

She too was caught for childcare for 3 under 5, for that 8 years and she found it shattering.

She had worked for 40 years in a demanding career and had fully funded 4 children through university.

She bitterly regrets it privately, sacrificing her final, fully mobile 8 years.

She can no longer drive as a result and that has been devastating for her independence.

A poster mentions siblings and the impact on them.
You bet it can cause resentment when one child gets oodles of free childcare and the rest don't, even more so if they watch their mothers health decline.

My family member needs care from her children now, much earlier than would have been expected and the link to her earlier years of being free childcare has been made.

Don't take your health for granted.

I have told them I will not be around for a week in May so they have plenty of notice

How did they take that? Their reaction would be very telling.

What a lovely mum you have. It's clear you have an understanding between yourselves that she has your back and is providing that support for you holistically. It also comes across that you would not dream of treating her deceptively.

I know, and the situation really isn't fair. The possibility is it'll be "But why is zeezay not doing it for us when she did it for..."

I think that your plan to have a week's holiday is a good one, but - in all honesty - your situation cannot go on like this. I'm a whisker off 66 and would find looking after young children so tiring.

I went back to supply teaching for a little while and two days a week was enough for me. All I wanted to do was to sleep when I got home. Secondary had its challenges, but at least I didn't have to deal with toileting etc and I could hide in my classroom at lunchtime.

At the very least, in my opinion, you should be cutting back the hours you spend doing childcare.

I said in a previous post that I looked after 4 young children for one evening a week for a while (for no pay, having been deceived into thinking that I was helping out a family with a health crisis). The kids had me run ragged and I was 17 at the time.

When I found out the truth, my mum helped to extricate me from the situation by using my studying as an excuse.

In your position I'd be hurt and angry.

Yes I agree with people becoming ignorant and selfish.

I can see it from both sides in that when I was young I was with my paternal grandma 8am-6pm Monday-Friday. My parents paid her no money and spoke about her like shit at times, pissed off I smelled of grandmas dog at pickup or strong smelling foods she cooked and resentful of her not doing evening and weekend childcare for them to "get a break" - I remember the way they spoke about grandma with disdain. Never with gratefulness or appreciation.

Now Im a parent we've had no childcare help from anyone as they're "busy with their own lives" and its been very hard and tiring experience.

Pretty much every parent I know in real life has help with childcare from grandparent(s) and they dont appreciate it at all in my eyes -its taken for granted. I dont know anyone who really values it and gifts the grandparent(s) with token gifts of appreciation which I feel should be a minimum. They dont understand what its like to deal with childcare day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year -without a grandparent to help with childcare, school pickups and school holidays. Dh and I have never had childcare for a short break or evening away for instance in over a decade.

I think its good your taking a week off but I'd up it 2 weeks as a minimum so they really feel it. Keep contact to the bare minimum. Then tell then you are cutting back to 1 day a week or no childcare at all if thats how you feel. And make it clear you feel hurt and decieved they went to effort to get dressed up for work but went on a jolly day out.

Then look to sign up to choirs, womens groups, art classes, join your local library...really see whats on offer in your local community and live your life.

Theyve played their hand and shown you how they regard you. Id also send them a link to this thread and also into the family chat if you have one - once you announce you are no longer doing childcare.

Time to live your life 💐

They looked a bit sheepish. I think they know why as I rarely have a week off from childcare unless unwell.

Thank you, this is great advice. I am really beginning to reflect on things. I am finding it harder and harder. The children need so much looking after and I am getting older. I need time for me to be free. I have been doing childcare for years ever since DD had her first DC.

I think it is too much to cover childcare work, date nights and unknowingly been accommodating date days as well. Meanwhile DD's FIL is always travelling and spending time with friends.

@Raspberrywhite

Everything that you say chimes with me. My mum went from being very fit in her early 60s to having mobility problems by the time she hit 70.

I'm already aware of my constant aches and pains and I'm using my time to work on my mobility (having been a carer for family members for many years).

Even touch typing can be annoyingly painful these days - and I'd hoped to get back to playing in a ceilidh band in my old age... (Not kidding. I used to play accordion in a band, for fun.)

My knees are going, I'm trying to build up my bone density to keep going for as long as possible...

Older friends have warned me that these are my good years and I'd better have my fun and travelling now.

OP, say you are getting tired and give them notice that you will no longer be able to do this from say, September. I would tell them asap. Then your other children will also know that you are ending because you are tied and can’t cope and hopefully that will manage their expectations if they have children.

When do you get time off? It sounds as if you are doing full-time childcare all year round. In a job you would get more holiday leave. Your daughter has become very complacent but if you don't make boundaries it's easy to see how it can happen. However, pretending to be going to work and then posting on social media because they think you won't see it is beyond the pale. I would join the platform and send them a friend request. They can hardly refuse and then you can see exactly what they're posting.

Exactly this! I am in my 70s and my DD didn't even ask me for childcare when she went back to work last Autumn, she said to me that it would be too much at my age. She is not wrong!

It's a lovely arrangement I have with them.... I have just looked after her today from 8.30am until an hour ago so they could do parkrun and then work on their allotment (GC is barely walking, lots of crawling, impossible to do anything like that with her there!)
It was a lovely chance to be with her but ye gods I'm tired as she was full on.

OP, you will enjoy your GC so so much more if you just do 'special requests' like an overnight for a special reason or a half day to help them out. I honestly would give up the 3 days a week thing, you have been so kind to them doing this in the first place.

@thepariscrimefiles had a good point upthread. If they're using one or two days of leave per month to go out together, they won't have much leave left to spend with their children - so when will you get some time off? It sounds if they haven't considered that at all.

I'm glad that you're having a week off in May @zeezay, you deserve a break.

Nope but thats a whole different issue. However that's an issue for your son in law to deal with not you.

In one respect, it is a different issue. In another way it is not. He refuses to do childcare so I am doing all the childcare so DD and SIL can work and have time together while he does nothing.

OP why not take 2 weeks of in May? I agree with the a poster above that this will really give your dd and son in law an idea of how hard work it is caring for little kids day to day.

As for DDs FIL you have every right to be doing the same as him. Maybe he has set boundaries around childcare so please do the same.

My mum has done it. She made it clear years ago she wasn't caring day to day for any of her grandchildren and she hasn't. She very occasionally helps out (think emergencies were one of my kids has had to go to hospital, 1 overnight care in my house whilst we go away every 18 months ( this only started once the youngest dc was in pre school nursery). My MIL does do childcare very frequently but only for her favourite so we get virtually no help.

I wouldn't keep going until September, @zeezay .
I would be telling them now that from July 1 they need to have other childcare organised.
That gives them 2 months notice...
I'm 67. I could not and would not do 3 full days of childcare for that number and age of children.
Tell all your other DCs that you look forward to spending time with any DGCs but you will not be able to provide regular childcare.
Then they can't say they thought you would do it ...

Good luck, enjoy your holiday in May!

They chose to have children. It's not down to you or him to facilitate their lifestyle following that decision.

Childcare is their issue to sort out.

You have been badly treated by your daughter, but it's not really reasonable to say that you HAVE to provide childcare for them because the FIL won't.

Maybe he knew what might happen, or maybe he was never asked, but him not doing it doesn't mean you have to.

The trouble with cutting down childcare is that nobody will really be happy-Daughter will feel resentful that it is fewer hours/days than before and won’t appreciate it for the huge favour it is. OP will still be doing childcare (albeit a bit less) but still exhausted and not be valued.

Kindly OP, god knows I don't want to be an advocate for men🙄but the FIL is suiting himself, and that is his choice.
When you see how they have treated you and your sacrifice, who could blame him?
Not me!

Your daughter and her husband sre users, but my real ire is for your daughter, whom should have loyalty to her mum.
I know that can be really painful to admit when it is family.

I agree with those that say, those that get lots of free childcare, especially for very young children, rarely appreciate it.

I admire those that say, not happening.
Young children are exhausting.
They were in my 30's and 40's.
Not a chance I would do it now.
No apologies, just not happening.

Some will tell you to get over the deceit, but no really loving appreciative daughter would behave like that.
Not for a minute.

You have done too much and deceit is your thanks.

I have read a lot of threads on here, but her deceit is a new low, and you would be very wise to wake up to it.

My relative is now sitting in a chair instead of gardening, which was her joy, or out meeting friends.
She can no longer drive, she lives a bit far out, and her children all are busy with their lives and work.

Her sister is kind when she is around, but only two years younger and retired, she is away holidaying so much.

She certainly is not providing free childcare for her children, she has more sense.

Apologies if that reads as harsh.

Eaten bread is very quickly forgotten.
Be very careful of sacrificing your good years and health for a daughter who would dress up for work, drop her kids off and head off for the day, on a mother who was already doing so much.

Utterly shameful duplicity that shows the character of someone who neither appreciates your sacrifice, nor the impact to your health such effort requires.

We teach people how to treat us, and it will be you who may bear the consequences of doing something that takes so much energy, and possibly deplete you of some fully active healthy years.

Yes that is true. I just got annoyed thinking FIL gets the retirement he wants. He also does not the weight of expectations that I do as a grandmother.

But yes ultimately I need to make choices that work for me. I wanted to help them out and I did but it is time I start to think about I want even if there ends up being a fallout. It would be DD and SIL who are unreasonable not me.

It would be a shame to see the grandchildren less as a result but that is something I may have to accept.

I was a stay at home mum 40 years ago with my DCs. I am sure being home with toddlers is harder than going into a days work with adults. I did do both once DCs at school.
That is what is annoying imv -you hear all this their DGM loves looking after the grandkids - I’m sure most do but not all day and not more than one when they are still small enough to need picked up and amused constantly.
Beware of volunteering to do school pick ups -I find them soul destroying, every afternoon disrupted so you can’t have a day out. And where I collect the DGCs phones are banned -so we all stand about gazing into space…….

He refuses to do childcare so I am doing all the childcare so DD and SIL can work and have time together while he does nothing.

He's a very sensible man. It's ok to say you can't or don't want to take on the responsibility and it's best to be open and upfront about it. It sounds like initially you were happy with the arrangement because you wanted to help out but it's been harder than you expected and they have taken advantage of your generosity.

You do need to decide and let them know as soon as possible so that they can sort alternative childcare.

It's absolutely fine to say that you think you've done your bit now and it's over to son in law's family to help out, or paid childcare. If you are happy to cover the odd day or evening still, emphasise that and also say that you're happy to join them for family events and share the load, but not to be solely responsible.

There is no way any reasonable person could have a problem with that.

My parents looked after my nephew's to the extent that my sister NEVER did a school run their entire childhoods. They didn't help with my children at all because they didn't want to start that again. I did completely understand, I didn't take any bitterness out on them but I also didn't provide any assistance or care when they became elderly. I left it all to my sister. Don't be surprised if your other children do the same if they ever have families. Care is a valuable resource. You're "gifting" your daughter the equivalent of hundreds of pounds a month.

You've done more than your fair share, time to put yourself first. I'm pretty shocked that in all the years you have provided free childcare, and saved them an absolute fortune, they have only seen fit to gift you a few bouquets. I'd tell them that you will cover until the end of May, after that it will be very occassional babysitting.