Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

This

My ex-DH was the same, that's why he became an ex! He was very intelligent, but he had to prioritise his drinking habit, so I had to scrimp and scrape just so the children and I could get by. I have never met a man so mean. He was a lost cause as he was always going to be in debt.

Why are you not pooling money if you’re a couple, or one bank account for bills and then yours and his. Why is he in debt? Is he trying to cover the bills but doesn’t have the money, if this is the case you need to sit down and work it together. If your name isn’t on the mortgage it really is up to him what he does, with children in the mix this needs sorting.

Exactly this. ☝️
Even if your name is not on the house deeds, if you separate/ divorce you will get a share. (Just had this with daughter and an abusive ex. )
Just in case, be sure to keep evidence of all your contributions to family finances.

Oh and go onto the Martin Lewis website and download the budgeting form and sit down with him to work it all out.
Tell him it’s that or you’re done!

You clearly have some backbone to retrain at uni, raise two kids with disabilities and all the time advocating for them and also have pain issues yourself to contend with
So you’re not without resilience, you can manage your life. 💐

I agree with this.

My thinking exactly!

But what can they do about this?

@Lonely12 may I ask what physical disability you suffer from?

This is a mess.
It does seem you want to place all the blame and not face up to the awkward questions
You defaulted on your debts. Do you have a repayment plan and are your repayments up to date?
Could you work more in any capacity?
Can you hand on heart say that what you bought to cause your debt were all essential items?
How much in total have you spent on your dogs and do you have no limits financially as far as they're concerned?
Does your husband have an expensive hobby, go out a lot, smoke, drink, have a flashy car or otherwise indicate excessive spending?
Are financial discussions approached in a calm and open minded way?
Do you spend on nails, facials etc etc?
Were past debts paid before new ones were taken on?

You may want to contact debtors anonymous they can help you into a better understanding of the issue
the secretiveness around this smacks of unmanageability you will always be waiting for the’ financial rug’ to be pulled away you deserve to have financial security
being economically irresponsible is not grown -up behaviour !

I’ve seen the figures today and it turns out it’s 16000 not 14000, this is the third amount I’ve been told now. I stupidly signed the form for the loan, my name isn’t on the loan it’s because I live here. I’m not happy and said that I don’t know how he expects me to trust him. He is been all defensive, feeling sorry for him self

I don’t know how we can stay married. It’s not been a happy marriage for a few years now, he knows I’ve not been happy and he kept burying his head in the sand about that.

No it’s dogs and cats. When we got them, we could afford them

My children are ok. They are not aware of the situation. I’m struggling, feel stupid and i don’t have any where to take me and our children. They wouldn’t cope living in a hotel room. That’s what I’ve been told would be offered if I presented as homeless when I’ve spoken to housing in the past

Sciatica and arthritis in my spine. It affecting all of my left side including my arm. I also have mental health problems, that’s why I was off work on sick leave

Seems you have made your mind, so wishing you all the best on your divorce and new life with new beginnings. And remember, as people say on here: you can do it

Why would you present as homeless?

You have been very foolish. You have no idea of money, what his debts are, what you are entitled to and you actually signed a form for him to borrow on the house.

How can you go through life being so oblivious when you have children relying on you. Time to get sorted. You need legal and financial advice. CAB would be a good start, they can signpost you to agencies that can help you. You need to know what you would get from the marriage in the event of divorce and what benefits you would be entitled to.

Don't even think about leaving your current property until you have all this information.

Is it too late to stop the loan on the house? If not, get that cancelled immediately.

My first question is how is he accruing these debts? If it's from some sort of compulsive disorder like gambling for instance then there will be absolutely no chance of him ever being debt free and the house will be under constant threat of repossession if he defaults on any loan secured against it...I speak from experience as this happened in my family when I was a teenager and it broke my Mum's heart to leave the house she loved and was very traumatic for me and my younger brother. 😥
Seriously it doesn't sound like there is much hope for the future with this man and as you are already considering the possibilities I suggest that you let your head rule your heart and tell him that he needs to find another way to sort things out.
You don't say how old your children are or if they're still living at home and you need to get professional advice asap re the fact that your name isn't on the deeds of the house.
Good luck but don't take any more BS as sadly history will just repeat itself. 🙄

If your husband is terrible with money, why was it up to him to decide if you could afford a new house?
Why on earth aren't you on the deeds to the house? Have you made wills? Why are the bills so unevenly split?
So many questions but 15k debt is not good. Remortgaging is not the answer though.

Sorry to hear that and I completely understand you’re doing your best with working and financing everything for the family that isn’t mortgage and bills.

It’s almost the same set-up in my house but I’m on the mortgage. My H wages get paid into our joint account and all bills go through that. Everything else that our family needs we use my wages from a separate account.

If however my H gets into debt or I get into debt, it’s our debt.

What I’m saying is that your Hs £15k debt is your debt too. Because you’re seeing everything as separate, he’s making the decisions without you as he feels it’s his debt.

To be honest, as long as he can afford the monthly loan repayments over 10 years on top of paying the mortgage and bills and he knows you have everything else covered that the family needs then it’s a good idea. If you can’t cover everything else then he needs to know so he can see if he can cover the amount you’ll struggle with each month.

Start working as a financial partnership.

Not enough information. Are you actually contributing towards the monthly essential household bills as you say you pay :your bills' but I'm not clear who is paying for essentials like energy , water, telecoms, TV, council tax, phone, car/ransport, insurance food etc is the expenditure on these items more than his take home pay
Or are you saying he spends on luxuries for himself that he can't afford.

If you are not on the mortgage I assume you are not joint owner. You need to see a lawyer about registered your home rights. That will at least stop him taking on more secured debt.

You need to sit down and work out what you joint net income is, and what the joint expenses are, and work out a life style you can both afford without getting into more debt.

Absolutely do not take a loan against the house that you are paying the mortgage on. I think you need to take urgent financial advice since as a spouse, you may end up responsible for his debt. Personally I think you should leave him as he has been irresponsible and lied to you. Do you really want to spend your life with this man take some expert advice first. Best of luck with this.

(1) See a Solicitor independently of your husband to see whether and if so how you can secure your rights to at least a proportion of the value of your home.

(2) Get professional debt counselling. If your husband refuses to go, demand that he at least gives you a statement of his income and outgoings so that you can get help.

(3) Suggest that he go to couples relationship counselling with you. It sounds like he has unresolved issues from his past that feed into this behaviour.

I hope you can work through this together. But whatever you do, don't let him secure anything else on the property.

This has disaster written all over it. Taking a loan out to clear debt.....a loan IS debt........taking out more loan than you need to "clear debt" and have some spends........just perpetuates the debt cycle. Securing it against your home? utter madness. Stop with the holidays, expensive Christmas presents etc. Go to step change and get a plan. You up income, both of you, to tackle this. Higher paying jobs? overtime? extra part time job. Stop this cycle.

You need a lawyer asap to go to the lender and get this reversed.