Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

I think if he is clearly able to show you that it’s just day to day general expenses that aren’t OTT plus paying the mortgage and all the bills then it’s clear that either you need to step up and pay more or can’t sustain the lifestyle you have- how much do you work? I am slightly sympathetic to him as I built up some debt paying off company tax bills and keeping up with the lifestyle my H wanted ( home, breaks, standard of meals, business stuff) - so unlike others I think the reasons behind it are important - if it’s due to constant pubs, presents, flash clothes, hookers, gambling then clearly I wouldn’t be sympathetic- if you were going to refinance then wouldn’t remortgaging maybe make more sense as usually much lower rates? And take the opportunity to also reassess what you can both genuinely afford without acquiring debt -

I’m paying out quite a bit and I contribute toward food shopping a lot. I also pay for most of children’s expenses and have done since they were born. I’ve tried to contribute more but he has refused to sit down and go through finances. He has had advice from step changes after I suggested it to him.

He over spends on stuff, for example instead of saving for Xmas presents he doesn’t then buys them in December. He doesn’t save. I work part time as I have physical health issues. I’ve also tried to contribute more but he won’t sit down and go through finances

He needs to agree to sitting down together because unless you both completely understand the numbers this won't get any better.

I think he has to do that OP following on from
my post below -I would want to see statements and transparency before agreeing to anything - it may just be you simply don’t have enough coming in and need to go through it all and where you can make changes. If he can’t do that than yep I would think about separating

£15k isn’t much debt and people commonly remortgage to cover higher interest debt or high value purchases. It’s less ideal now interest rates are higher, but often it’s the only way.

i don’t know why people are telling you to speak to step change or for him to go bankrupt- what help do you expect with someone who has taken out a loan? There is no sign that’s he’s anywhere near bankruptcy, or indeed, can’t afford the loan repayments.

£15k is very low to secure against a house, and there shouldn’t really be any need for this.

you say “being in debt”- why do you think he can’t be in debt at all?! Most adults in the uk are in some form of debt.

just being in debt isn’t the same as not being able to afford repayments etc. imagine how much debt you’d be in if he wasn’t paying for everything?!

When I mention Xmas, I mean presents for me and couple of bits for children. I pay for most of our children’s presents and expenses and always have done. I’ve tried to contribute more, difficult when your husband keeps things from you and won’t sit down to sort finances out. I’ve asked him numerous times

he won’t go though finances with you because he’s hiding something.
either gambling or another addiction

honesty and transparency or leave

In all fairness , so do a lot of people - however this shouldn’t be £1000s - I’m getting the feeling with you saying 10 years , this is a big amount - are we talking £7k or £50k

Just suggested looking into remortgage and he says no he isn’t going to look into it

I'm sorry but you are not innocent in this. You have willingly gone along on holidays etc knowing fully well that you're in a spiral of debt. I suggest you work together to get your family out of this mess seeing as you have no means to take your kids elsewhere.

Ah I’ve read your posts - I see it’s £15k - that’s not an insurmountable amount unless you are both on a low wage . You say your own credit record isn’t good-

Or he is simply an old fashioned man who wants to be the 'provider', especially as OP is disabled.
He needs to get over himself and they need to work as a team.

OP - you pay for yourself and the children, but do you have any idea how expensive it is to run a house? paying gas / electric / council tax / broadband / water / TV licence / insurance / house repairs / car repairs / mobile phones, possibly also TV subs, gym, pets, etc. etc., all on top of the mortgage.

You both have your heads in the sand.

I think a joint account for all household and child expenses is usually the best way forward, especially when there are no step children. You can still have your own personal accounts, but a joint account gives you both transparency.

Are you on the deeds of the house OP?

Not the mortgage, the deeds.

I’m not on the deeds. I pay my mobile phone and our sons mobile. I pay for the tv licence. Also stuff for the house I have mainly paid for that too, carpets, flooring etc

It doesn’t really matter if you’re on the deeds, it’s still a martial asset. Starting point is 50:50 split of the house and his pension (although as he’s close to retirement that one might be contentious)

but if you separate you’ll have to meet your monthly payments from your own income / benefits, obviously.

Definitely look into this. My husband has had all the outgoing , I was home staying for ages and did give him 0 for nothing. One day he opened his bank account and showed me the whole lot and told me the COL ate up his buying capacity. I found a job and started contributing and when he goes close to overdraft, he tells me , so he actually does not into debt

If you're not on the deeds or the mortgage it's not your house and he can borrow against it if he wants to. You need legal intervention to stop this happening.

Be wise. Ask him to show you and have a proper chat. Is this marriage viable? If you divorce and with disability payments, you are going immediately to council home, if lucky enough. Is this what you want?

So you don't contribute to anything meaningful?

Carpets and flooring is expensive

you need at least 1000 and more saved ....to be able to cover carpets and flooring plus the labour fee which is eye watering these days

It sounds as though you’re paying very little, he can’t cope with it, and no one is talking about it. 🤷‍♀️

It's got to be more than a holiday and Christmas presents, though. I might have some sympathy for the "but he's supporting you all" point, except he won't go through the finances with her. If it really is just the unavoidable costs of supporting a family, why won't he let her see that?

You say that you have offered to contribute more but he has refused it. What has happened to your extra income? Have you saved it or have you just spent it on ‘other things’. How old are the children and are they your children only or is he their father?