Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

I totally get what you're all saying and the advice to leave him, but if does she'll be even worse off financially if she only works part time and has a physical disability, no?

You are living beyond your means. I have had debt problems in the past, none of it due to extravagant spending, just keeping our family going. I ended up really resenting my debt free husband. Some of your comments show a distinct lack of understanding or empathy - complaining that he doesn't save for Christmas presents for example- he doesn't save because he has no money!!!!

You need to accept your part in all this, and be supportive. I understand the frustration over the lack of information, but if your attitude with him is the same as your attitude on here it is little wonder he is shutting you out.

There is so much shame with spiralling debt, it is awful. Accept some responsibility, apologise and try to facilitate open communication about how you can both fix this. Remember, this man has supported you significantly over the years. You will both need to make some really difficulty decisions about what you can afford, sadly the pets sound like a significant issue. Good luck.

This.
You have married a man who can't give you the kind of lifestyle that you think you deserve. That is a 'you' problem.
He won't come clean and work with you as a team, that is a 'him' problem.

You can't fix him. All you can do is accept your own responsibility for your part in this mess. Accept that you are disabled and will need to live like a poor person - because you are a poor person.
There just isn't the money to have everything you want.

What can you cut back on, as a couple?

Agreed. It's like the blind leading the blind here.

He's notoriously been in debt (but I don't get the impression he's defaulted previously seeing as he was able to get a mortgage and continuous debt but the OP wasn't due to defaulting). He won't change his mindset on being in debt. Not ideal but not surprising.

Meanwhile the OP is burying her head in the sand and spending money on non-essaentials just assuming the household bills and the mortgage get paid knowing they have to be more than the husbands wages.

I didn’t feel I had a choice

My name is on the loan, it was an occupier form

Hi all children are his, we have two teenagers. The holiday was six years ago and I did go on it. Other holidays I’ve paid a lot towards them. That was previous debt. This debt hasn’t been spent on holidays

I signed an occupier form not for the loan. I felt I had no choice

Not necessarily. She will undoubtedly get a top-up of UC, plus she won't have the worry of all his debt!

Ex-H was in debt when I married him (I didn't realise how seriously) and continued to stay in debt. He had a CCJ against him and after six years, credit card companies started offering him cards again, despite the fact he was still paying off the CCJ! It just spiralled! He earned good money, but I was always scrimping and scraping to look after myself and our two children. I managed to get him to move out ten years after we had got married because I was worried some of his creditors would put a charge on the house (I had put down a large deposit, but he was the one who paid the mortgage). The deeds was signed over to me as part of the divorce settlement, but the mortgage stayed in joint names as I didn't have enough income to take it on myself.

Why did you feel you had no choice? To some degree you are enabling this.

Well your husband has a problem with money- but you do too, you continued to spend on things that are not essential when you know you are swimming in debt.
You both need to take a good look at yourselves and your actions and realise that you have to be far more realistic about how much you have to spend AND how much you will have to spend in the years to come. With mortgage at 50% b0f earnings you need to cut back everything as far as you can and stick with that while thar proportion remains true- you also have to pray nothing happens to your DH's job or health- because either would be disasterous.
I would say all this is so serious you should consider rehoming your pets , because just one big vet bill could break the bank- you need to be more realistic about spending and resources.

Do this exercise just the two of you or maybe post the results here. Do the last year. Don't guess, use your bank statements, copy them into excel and categorise.

Income

Essential Outgoings
Mortgage, council tax, elec, gas, water, Internet, home insurance, mobile phones
Car running costs
Loan repayments
Groceries
Pet stuff: food, insurance, meds
Health, eg prescriptions

Mid Essential Outgoings
Kids clothes, kids trips
Skincare and haircare (I put this here, you might not)

Non Essential Outgoings
Meals out and takeaways, coffees
Days out such as cinema
TV subscriptions
Holidays
Adult clothes unless absolutely essential
Home decor and plants

Then look where you can cut from non Essential to balance the books.

Thought so!

So it’s now officially joint debt.

If you want to stay married to him you MUST insist that he contacts a gambling help network - Samaritans, Gamblers Anonymous, Citizens Advice etc etc. If he takes out a loan on your house this will NOT be the las time he will need to pay of gambling debts. This is a cycle which he CANNOT break with HELP. You MUST insist he seeks help.

Have you just made up a gambling addiction?

so the debt on it should only be the dhs… but if they divorce posters will be insisting op gets half or more of the equity?

OP also said

“I signed an occupier form not for the loan. I felt I had no choice”

this is just a form to say if the house is repossessed she will leave. It doesn’t make it a joint debt.

but let’s face it, it is anyway, in theory at least. It’ll be paid off as part of any divorce settlement, it’ll just depend what the % split is in the financial settlement.

It should definitely be joint debt!

OP originally said her name wasn’t on the loan but was made to sign as she lived there. It didn’t make sense. She’s since said she is on the loan.

They need to consider all money as theirs not two separate pots. They may be able to get out of this debt cycle if they work together.

She’s since said, her name is in the loan.

Where did you get gambling from?

No she posted 5 minutes after the post you quoted to say it was an occupier form.

since she has a crap credit rating and doesn’t earn much it wouldn’t be advantageous to take out a joint loan anyway.

however it sounds more like a remortgage as ime secured loan lenders are unlikely to ask for an occupier form.

Once the house is sold, the mortgage (debt) is paid off and OP would be entitled to half of the remaining equity. Loans taken out in his name, separate to the mortgage, will be his debts only, not OPs.

They’re highly likely martial debt.

Not when it's pretty obvious that the loans were used to fund bills and loving costs.

This