Page 8 | Husband in debt again.

Lonely12 · 2026-04-23T13:20:47+00:00

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage. our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children. he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

MoreHairyThanScary · Yesterday 21:59

I think given the previous debt he has built up and the fact he won’t show you there is more going on, gambling or similar. To stay in the marriage I would want absolute transparency sit down and create a budget together, then each week check in. Anything less I would not be able to put myself in the position of constant worry for the future. He’s done it twice already …there is a pattern you would be a fool if you ignored it.

FairKoala · Yesterday 21:59

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 20:19

This isn't clear. How do you decide who is paying the family's food bills? How can it be sometimes the whole thing and sometimes only half? That would be a nightmare to budget for. What difference should/does it make that one of you buys things on offer? Who does the food shopping then?

It sounds like your joint expenses are very very confused. You have a child (perhaps more than one), you are not working and the only money it seems you are bringing to the family are a pension (presumably State only?) and disability payments. Your husband, on the other hand, is working. From what you've explained, it's not that "he is in debt", but that you, as a family, are living beyond your means. It's not just his fault, but yours too, and if I were in his situation, I certainly wouldn't be looking to you for financial advice on how to deal with this. I think you need some financial counselling to appreciate how much your husband is carrying here and some concrete advice on how you can do your part to make it equitable.

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It sounds like HE is living beyond his means if he is chucking anything in the shopping cart and not looking at the price. (Is he one of these men that think he is too important to look at prices) and whilst Nearly50omg
is trying to keep control of the situation all be it from a place where she isn’t given access to what is going on. Whilst he just spends on anything without thinking

FWIW I ran our families finances because now exh was useless at it
This was brought into focus after I had given birth to ds(2) and my memory was wiped blank. It was like having amnesia but with everyday tasks

For 2 years he took care of our family ledger. I listed all our monthly bills/yearly bills etc in that ledger and knew if I had £2000 coming in £1000 was to be left untouched in my current account to cover bills and I paid off my credit card with the rest and if there was anything left over it went into a holiday fund.

When I started to feel a bit more able I said I would return to do the finances. To which dh replied that he needed for me to get a job pdq and prepare for possible bankruptcy as the bills exceeded his salary.

Not only hadn’t he kept track of any bill he had changed house and home insurance to the company his parents used and was charging him nearly £1000 per year (as opposed to £220
For some reason we had a home phone bill of £250 per month (I paid £10)

You get the picture

He too was very secretive with money because he thought he was better at handling it. Turns out he was a sucker for any telesales marketer

FairKoala · Yesterday 22:01

MoreHairyThanScary · Yesterday 21:59

I think given the previous debt he has built up and the fact he won’t show you there is more going on, gambling or similar. To stay in the marriage I would want absolute transparency sit down and create a budget together, then each week check in. Anything less I would not be able to put myself in the position of constant worry for the future. He’s done it twice already …there is a pattern you would be a fool if you ignored it.

I wouldn’t bother he is going to do it again and tbh it’s exhausting having to keep another adult in check every single day

Cut and run whilst there is still equity in the house.

BonBon10 · Yesterday 22:12

Leave, he is the problem. You will never be free of this situation. He is not honest with you. It will only get worse. He will end up losing your home if this continues

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · Yesterday 22:29

BloominNora · Yesterday 19:40

OK - did you get a CCJ? How long ago was it and how much was it for?

With all of the times your husband has been in debt, he's never defaulted? He's always managed to pay it off with house equity or consolidations loans?

I truly find it extraordinary that he stood back and watched his newly disabled wife get into debt paying for essentials for his children and at no point suggested you both sit down and work out finances together or offer up suggestions for paying off the debt and actively refuse your requests to do so.

I can't even comprehend the thought of wanting to be with someone that selfish.

The first thing you absolutely need to do is get a copy of your own full credit report and check it very very carefully - his lack of transparency and concern is making my spider senses tingle! You need to check whether any of that debt he is in, which he is refusing to be transparent about, is in fact, in your name and you need to do so urgently!

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Agree 100% on checking your own credit.

Also - you said he’s in debt to the tune of 15,000. How do you know this? Have you seen his statements? I’d be worried this isn’t the full amount or that he has other accounts.

You both need to sit down and look at your finances together, ideally with a neutral third party like Citizens’ Advice. I understand that he doesn’t want to do this, but he can’t keep taking out loans. You both need help to budget.

FairKoala · Yesterday 22:30

Lookholiday · Yesterday 19:53

You both need to sit down together and go through all of your out goings and income - jointly. You are a household and need to work as a team.
Set a monthly budget and both be clear and upfront.
15k isn't something that couldn't be paid back quickly if you get a grip on it.
You should both know how much everything is costing you.

But he won’t do that. Which suggests gambling or he is spending it in some thing or someone he doesn’t want his wife to find out about.

I am suspicious that this current debt is only £15,000 I hate to say that I think it is probably a lot more and he is testing the water to see how you react to a smaller figure.

I think you have to act quickly and stop any loans being taken out against the house in order for you to be able to start again

He is controlling your life with his debts

BloominNora · Yesterday 22:44

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 20:19

This isn't clear. How do you decide who is paying the family's food bills? How can it be sometimes the whole thing and sometimes only half? That would be a nightmare to budget for. What difference should/does it make that one of you buys things on offer? Who does the food shopping then?

It sounds like your joint expenses are very very confused. You have a child (perhaps more than one), you are not working and the only money it seems you are bringing to the family are a pension (presumably State only?) and disability payments. Your husband, on the other hand, is working. From what you've explained, it's not that "he is in debt", but that you, as a family, are living beyond your means. It's not just his fault, but yours too, and if I were in his situation, I certainly wouldn't be looking to you for financial advice on how to deal with this. I think you need some financial counselling to appreciate how much your husband is carrying here and some concrete advice on how you can do your part to make it equitable.

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They have more than one child and the OP is working part time now despite having severe physical health problems.

She has no idea how much her husband is carrying and how much of the debt is because they are living beyond their means vs other reasons for the debt because he refuses to share details of the family finances with her 🙄

Why is that so difficult for people to understand?

SylvanMoon · Yesterday 22:48

FairKoala · Yesterday 21:59

It sounds like HE is living beyond his means if he is chucking anything in the shopping cart and not looking at the price. (Is he one of these men that think he is too important to look at prices) and whilst Nearly50omg
is trying to keep control of the situation all be it from a place where she isn’t given access to what is going on. Whilst he just spends on anything without thinking

FWIW I ran our families finances because now exh was useless at it
This was brought into focus after I had given birth to ds(2) and my memory was wiped blank. It was like having amnesia but with everyday tasks

For 2 years he took care of our family ledger. I listed all our monthly bills/yearly bills etc in that ledger and knew if I had £2000 coming in £1000 was to be left untouched in my current account to cover bills and I paid off my credit card with the rest and if there was anything left over it went into a holiday fund.

When I started to feel a bit more able I said I would return to do the finances. To which dh replied that he needed for me to get a job pdq and prepare for possible bankruptcy as the bills exceeded his salary.

Not only hadn’t he kept track of any bill he had changed house and home insurance to the company his parents used and was charging him nearly £1000 per year (as opposed to £220
For some reason we had a home phone bill of £250 per month (I paid £10)

You get the picture

He too was very secretive with money because he thought he was better at handling it. Turns out he was a sucker for any telesales marketer

Show quote history

Well it doesn't sound to me as if the OP actually is trying to keep control of the situation. It doesn't sound like she has a clear grasp of proportionality in terms of what the family's outgoings are and what is coming in. And I very much doubt her saving a few pence (or even pounds) on a weekly shop is all that is needed. Sorry to hear about your situation, and I'm glad you had the capacity to rectify things in your household. But I don't think either the OP or her DH are handling their finances (or the relationship) very well, and from the OP's posts, I'm not convinced she has the capacity to do so. I mean, for a start, if my family were facing a threat of defaulting on a mortgage, I'd certainly be considering whether we could afford to keep two dogs.