Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

I think given the previous debt he has built up and the fact he won’t show you there is more going on, gambling or similar. To stay in the marriage I would want absolute transparency sit down and create a budget together, then each week check in. Anything less I would not be able to put myself in the position of constant worry for the future. He’s done it twice already …there is a pattern you would be a fool if you ignored it.

It sounds like HE is living beyond his means if he is chucking anything in the shopping cart and not looking at the price. (Is he one of these men that think he is too important to look at prices) and whilst Nearly50omg
is trying to keep control of the situation all be it from a place where she isn’t given access to what is going on. Whilst he just spends on anything without thinking

FWIW I ran our families finances because now exh was useless at it
This was brought into focus after I had given birth to ds(2) and my memory was wiped blank. It was like having amnesia but with everyday tasks

For 2 years he took care of our family ledger. I listed all our monthly bills/yearly bills etc in that ledger and knew if I had £2000 coming in £1000 was to be left untouched in my current account to cover bills and I paid off my credit card with the rest and if there was anything left over it went into a holiday fund.

When I started to feel a bit more able I said I would return to do the finances. To which dh replied that he needed for me to get a job pdq and prepare for possible bankruptcy as the bills exceeded his salary.

Not only hadn’t he kept track of any bill he had changed house and home insurance to the company his parents used and was charging him nearly £1000 per year (as opposed to £220
For some reason we had a home phone bill of £250 per month (I paid £10)

You get the picture

He too was very secretive with money because he thought he was better at handling it. Turns out he was a sucker for any telesales marketer

I wouldn’t bother he is going to do it again and tbh it’s exhausting having to keep another adult in check every single day

Cut and run whilst there is still equity in the house.

Leave, he is the problem. You will never be free of this situation. He is not honest with you. It will only get worse. He will end up losing your home if this continues

Agree 100% on checking your own credit.

Also - you said he’s in debt to the tune of 15,000. How do you know this? Have you seen his statements? I’d be worried this isn’t the full amount or that he has other accounts.

You both need to sit down and look at your finances together, ideally with a neutral third party like Citizens’ Advice. I understand that he doesn’t want to do this, but he can’t keep taking out loans. You both need help to budget.

But he won’t do that. Which suggests gambling or he is spending it in some thing or someone he doesn’t want his wife to find out about.

I am suspicious that this current debt is only £15,000 I hate to say that I think it is probably a lot more and he is testing the water to see how you react to a smaller figure.

I think you have to act quickly and stop any loans being taken out against the house in order for you to be able to start again

He is controlling your life with his debts

They have more than one child and the OP is working part time now despite having severe physical health problems.

She has no idea how much her husband is carrying and how much of the debt is because they are living beyond their means vs other reasons for the debt because he refuses to share details of the family finances with her 🙄

Why is that so difficult for people to understand?

Well it doesn't sound to me as if the OP actually is trying to keep control of the situation. It doesn't sound like she has a clear grasp of proportionality in terms of what the family's outgoings are and what is coming in. And I very much doubt her saving a few pence (or even pounds) on a weekly shop is all that is needed. Sorry to hear about your situation, and I'm glad you had the capacity to rectify things in your household. But I don't think either the OP or her DH are handling their finances (or the relationship) very well, and from the OP's posts, I'm not convinced she has the capacity to do so. I mean, for a start, if my family were facing a threat of defaulting on a mortgage, I'd certainly be considering whether we could afford to keep two dogs.

OP, there’s a lot of comments on here for you to absorb & decide your next actions.
For now - How are you ?
How are your DC today?

I think both people in this relationship/marriage are to blame. OP, it doesn’t sound like you contribute enough and I think you are being naive in even writing this post - it sounds as though your husband is supporting the whole family himself.

I would strongly suggest you both sit down to look at the finances together and get a joint account for bills - if he refuses to do this, then perhaps you do need to consider couples counselling.

You need to contribute a bit more by the sounds of things, and he needs to be more transparent about how money is being spent. I recommend using ChatGPT and chucking both your incomes in and listing all outgoings for the house so it can work out a fair split relative to your income. There are also needs to be a plan to pay off the debt. You are supposed to be a team in a marriage, and it’s not sounding that way at all currently - it’s a bit of a financial mess. That’s not to say it can’t change, but you need an action plan.

Have posters been forgetting that OP has highlighted that the husband is refusing to look at the finances together?

I don’t know why people are judging on the pets. It seems like the least of the issues in this situation.

It's really sad for the animals, but ultimately OP can't afford to keep them. Simple as that.

I had a complete waste of space husband. I knew he was bad with money so told him I wouldn't marry him unless he agreed that I could manage the finances. He agreed. Then I found out he was in debt so we had a very intense conversation at which he promised never to do anything like that again. He did... I found out he had a credit card and had been taking out money to spend at the pub and stupid things like that. We were completely broke so definitely couldn't afford to drink at the pub... at times I could barely afford the rent! I had to buy all the birthday and Christmas presents for his family and myself. He barely worked and I had 2 jobs. He had racked up £3,000 on the credit card and this was 25 years ago! So it would be more like £5,500 today.

I got rid of him. None of this leaving him - I told him to leave.

OP do you have access to his bank accounts?

tbh it doesn't sound like you can afford pets.

Don't allow him to borrow an extra 5k... that makes no sense at all. He is living beyond his means as it is.

Can you work more to bring in more money? Is there anything you can do between you to lower your bills?

Walk away and stop living in fear. He will be spending it on things he isn’t telling you about- gambling, sex sites, God only knows, but rest assured, you will never find out. If this ten year loan is paid off he will still go into more debt. Once you are free from perpetual
worry you will wonder how you ever lived in such a way. Good luck but DO IT!!

Could he have 2 accounts? One for all the bills to be paid from and leave enough money in there to cover them and then a separate account for his spends which might help him maintain more of an idea over what he has available to spend on "stuff" and when that money runs out then thats it until next pay day but at least the bills are paid? Could you also pay into the bills account so that you are sharing some of the burden of the house bills?

Reading through your updates, it makes me think the problem is deeper rooted, you say several times that he refuses to sit down and go through finances. He needs to realise you're a team, whatever your individual financial contributions, you are married its a partnership he needs to get to a point where he accepts that he DOES need to be completely transparent with you otherwise the pattern will keep repeating. If hes spoken to stepchange it would be wise to revisit that payment plan, often the creditors stop the interest making payments more manageable. You should technically be named on the mortgage as living there, even if its not your mortgage, the mortgage company usually request this.
I'd also look possibly at counceling to get to the root of the spending, and burying his head in the sand, you can often do a self referral via the gp.
Dont stay with him just because you have nowhere to go, there will be a way. Only stay if you love him and want to move forward with him, and also that he is respectful of you, this is your life not just his finances. I hope you get sorted. X

Your husband has massive issues with managing money mainly because he is impulsive and thinks in the short term only.
he also has massive issue with accepting what the real cause is.
he is living in dreamland thinking a loan will sort things out. It will in the short term, maybe but he is getting closer and closer to losing the house.

all of this poor planning and lack of responsibility and living in dreamland are very indicative of the severe executive functioning issues found in severe ADHD.

until he is able to say out loud, “I have a spending addiction. I am impulsive. I need to take responsibility for my actions” then he’s not even close to solving the problem.

he needs to budget and live frugally until it’s paid off. It’s possible but it’s not fun. It also requires maturity. The problem is many people with ADHD have underdeveloped and immature executive functioning, which they can’t improve. It’s set - a bit like our height when we reach 21.

its executive functioning that’s needed to put the budgeting process and discipline in place.

if he can do this, he then needs to treat spending like an alcoholic treats alcohol. He needs to stay away from any type of credit, even an overdraft.

and please no comments about ADHD. I am referring to severe executive functioning issues and not bog standard ADHD where people can’t sit still. Severe ADHD exists anf I am within my rights to post my opinion on this being severe ADHD, and explain the lack of executive functioning behind it.

He's borrowing 5k more than he needs which he will blow on clearing existing debt and 'treats'. Once it's gone he will get into debt again and borrow more to pay it off.

You need to extricate yourself from this marriage before there is no equity left in the house.

There's no benefit in a house being a marital asset if it's mortgaged up to the eyeballs.

Late to the party. Not read anything other than the original post.

Do not secure unsecured on your property.

Do not take on his debt.

Do not risk losing your house.

Securing the debt on the house reduces the payment for him. It does not address why he keeps getting into debt.

Set up LR alerts for your house.

My husband's sister took out a second mortgage with a sub-prime lender to consolidate her debts. She did this behind her husband's back. I don't know how she forged it but she did. It was over 10 years ago. She ended up building up more debt and then started defaulting. It was only when she got CCJs and bailiffs, and possibly facing bankruptcy, did she tell her husband.

He left her. She's still in a ton of debt apparently.

My husband is the complete opposite of her. There is no chance I'd be with him otherwise. Do not let him drag you down with him.

How have you ascertained that fact?

Do not secure unsecured on your property.
Do not take on his debt.
Do not risk losing your house.
Securing the debt on the house reduces the payment for him. It does not address why he keeps getting into debt.
Set up LR alerts for your house.

It's not her house. OP is not on the mortgage or the deeds.

Don’t borrow against your house. You need to budget to see if the way your bills are split is fair to you both. If he is in debt because most of his wage is going on the mortgage and bills and you get to spend your wage on whatever then you need a joint plan to clear the debt.

OP clearly doesn’t understand finance and neither does her DH.

OP needs to go to a debt charity and be hand held and report weekly what she is spending and by default what DH is spending and on what.

Then along with credit reports it may be possible to work out the ‘overspending’ and address the issues, and look at the options- it may well be leaving to live in council accommodation if her DP continues to refuse to work with her and the debt charity.

Have you looked into an IVA? An independent voluntary agreement.

Your problem is that your husband won’t discuss finances with you. It sounds as if he will keep overspending and just get into debt again. He will feel well off when the loan starts but without a different mindset it will soon all disappear and he’ll be looking for the next bailout. You need to be calm but firm with him. Full disclosure.