Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

But this isn't a situation that's sprung out of nowhere. They've got to this point because the husband has refused to share and the OP has gone along with that, inc. big things like house moves, holidays etc without that shared view.

I would simply refuse to view houses etc if I hadn't had a full and frank discussion of what we need and can afford. Ditto holidays and whatever else needs oversight.

Your husband is getting slated but to be honest I’m surprised he isn’t the one leaving you. You are drip feeding what you actually contribute slowly but it looks like he covers almost everything and you cover hardly anything. if he left it doesn’t sound like you could afford to even house yourself so it’s unfair for you to be so annoyed by the debt when he is literally using it to for everyday cost of living for your family.

You need to increase your earnings and chip in more to help your household. It’s not his debt, it’s both of yours, you’re married and he’s the only one on the deed because of your bad credit. If you want to leave you can but you’ll still be responsible for the debt after divorce.

this will be a problem

You cannot afford your current lifestyle and you need to make some drastic changes. You either both increase your income or you skip out on everything unnecessary (holidays, home decorating, presents, eating out/take aways, hobbies, school trips etc.) until you are in the green again. Ideally you do both of these things. You have to make a budget and stick to it. It's easier if you have a joint account so you can hold each other accountable. There is no point in taking out another loan to pay this off because the issue is that you cannot afford your day to day life as it is.

How much do you think children cost - if the OP pays for all their clothes and all their expenses which I presume means clubs/after school/days out/presents, etc, that is not nothing? She only works part-time due to health and if her stupid husband can't afford all the things he wants then he should talk to her instead of shutting her down - some of your comments are totally out of order!

The red flag here is that he won't discuss finances. And he's been in £20,000 of debt before. This isn't just spending beyond your means on mortgage and bills.

Even IF the spending was legit, the fact that you have no idea of the size of the debt or how it's arisen means you shouldn't be involved in sorting it. He doesn't get to co-opt you into this blind.

I'm in the 'leave him' camp. The evidence is that this won't be the last time, and when he can't borrow against the house again - then what?

Hi it’s £15000 of debt, credit cards and PayPal. But he is taking out £20000 loan, he says so he has some money and can buy stuff for house etc. I couldn’t understand why he was taking out so much and still don’t understand why he would take out 5000 extra.

Also have two dogs that have been unwell and it has cost me a lot of money in vet bills as have to pay 20 percent. If I hadn’t paid then I don’t know what we would have done as husband couldn’t pay. I also pay the pet insurance which is a lot of money due to previous claims and their age.

If the new loan is at a lower interest rate it could well be beneficial.

it’s unfair for you to be so annoyed by the debt when he is literally using it to for everyday cost of living for your family.

There is absolutely no evidence of that, only supposition by PPs.

As a unit, and assuming no gambling or other inappropriate secret spending, you seem to be living beyond your combined means.
The options are pretty limited, and pretty obvious, and are up to the two of you to resolve.

I’ve tried over the years to get him to save and he hasn’t. When we got together I didn’t realise till when we were planning our wedding that he was £80000 in debt, spent on crap before we met and he secured the debt against his house, when it came to selling it, turned out he couldn’t as the house was worth less than the loan. He got into debt again over the years. His mum paid it off, he then got into debt again snd used equity to pay it off and in debt again. I wasn’t aware of the debts each time. We haven’t been on holiday for four years

You can say this to a degree with many threads on here, but this is one where I'd really like to hear the DH's side of things.

He’s no good with money OP. The issue for you is you aren’t good with it either.

you wont change him and there is zero chance of him sitting down and doing a budget. Anything you agree now will be forgotten in 5/10 years.

i think you should start thinking about the latter part of your life. This will have to end when he retires or is of retirement age. He will struggle to borrow money and then the train stops.

you could get off now, and take at least half of everything. Seems like a decent idea to me. You’ve got time to earn money and take control of your life.

but you do need to think about how expensive life is. Every month, month in month out.

Your setup is really weighted against your husband. You don’t contribute to the mortgage or most of the bills?

You are married. You are supposed to be a team - recommend pooling your incomings, splitting equally and then paying the outgoings equally.

Separately, he needs support with debt and his approach to spending.

That's true. But that is if he can pay it off and still cover everything he's currently covering. He just won't be able to as they are already living above their means. His credit will be getting worse and worse so with every loan he risks getting a worse deal. Also just saw OPs update that he wants to get into a further 5K debt to buy stuff for the house. It's all mad.

The fact he won't sit down and be transparent means you have absolutely no idea how he has got into debt again.
I don't know why people feel sorry for him, it's clear he has a problem otherwise he would be open with op.
Op also seems to cover a lot for their mutual children, that's not cheap either.

I would talk to a solicitor op and look at what your options are looking at divorce, you can't trust him unfortunately, he is putting your housing at risk and still keeping secrets.

Only on Mumsnet does covering all the child expenses equate to not contributing.

OP this is the second time and he's failing to take responsibility by including you properly in the financial health of your family. You know if you went along with this it'd only happen again.

And it's the THIRD time she knows of that he's accrued this kind of debt - £80k before they even got married.

What would be the best outcome for you? Before you set off down a road you can't go back from you need to work out where else you could go. Would you be eligible for any benefits? Would you be able to afford your own accommodation? Is there anything available locally to house you, your children and your pets?

Without meaning to sound harsh you are both bad with money! You say you want to see the finances but you are sticking your head in the sand when he refuses. Both of you are living beyond your means. You say he is spending on a house you couldn't afford, house stuff, holidays, Christmas presents etc but you are going along with that. You all need to be making more responsible choices.

Sounds like you just don't earn enough between you to live, can you work more and up your earnings, paying for the food shop is hardly the same as covering the mortgage and all household bills. It doesn't sound like he has a gambling problem or is spending money on himself, he's spending it on you and your children (holidays/christmas). If you can't cover your basic bills, working pt isn't an option unfortunately.

Do you actually need new house stuff though? You’ve mentioned new carpets & flooring . I would t go into debt over things like this. I’d tell him you either sit down & go through things or you’re going to leave.

This nails it for me . OP also has a poor credit rating so has she also been in debt . Too many unknowns but it does read like the poor man is supporting his family on his own bar a few bits and pieces .

All of this. I'm loathe to jump in and disparage him because from what you've said OP this isn't him racking up debt on crap like gambling/drugs/drink, it's family debt because as a family you are spending more than you can afford. It sounds like he's having to cover too much from one wage with little contribution from you - I mean he is paying the mortgage and bills so he is supporting the family.
Together you need to work out what the money is going on and consider trying to increase your income. Perhaps you need to contribute more?