Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

This all the way. He is not getting out of debt doing this. He is swapping unsecured debt for secured debt which could cost you the roof over your head if he doesn't change his ways and which will ultimately cost more than if he Dave Ramsay's his way out of the financial shit show. What is he accruing debt on? Is he prepared to stop spending? What are the guarantees that he will repay the debt with the loan funds and not just double the debt (for example if he has an addiction?) By taking money out of the house he is making his debt your problem and that is not fair. He needs to hand over a chunk of his wages to you to secure the family finances - how dare he leave you to pay everything for the kids (I assume they are his kids?). Utter madness. Look up Dave Ramsay baby steps - it should help him (,if he wants to be helped and that's a big if) and it should help you identify clearly what is going on and whether you want to stay in the marriage. Good luck x

Paying the whole food bill and sometimes half. We have different approaches towards food shopping. I look to see what’s on offer and my husband doesn’t

This would be a relationship ender for me. I’ve been in a similar position once before when DP took out significant loans without my knowledge, although it was major home renovations/build. I went back into FT work 4 years ago and we cleared the debt by each overpaying large amounts monthly. If he ever got into that much debt again, we’d be over. I keep my finances separate though aside from the mortgage tie and we’re not married. I’m thankful we never took that step all those years ago

I’ve suggested more than once looking for somewhere cheaper, he says no. He is determined to get this secured loan

You both sound as bad as each other . If you leave him - how are you going to support yourself financially - because it sounds like you can’t manage that currently so how do you see this improving ?

Sounds like you enjoy spending but don’t earn enough to keep up this lifestyle so you need to cut your cloth accordingly .

Also I’ve tried to help him figure out how to pay the debts and looked in to his options. But he is now determined to do this.

I don’t have lots of saving like people think. I’ve been selling things to pay the vet bills. My pets insurance has gone up to nearly 200 a month and I can’t cancel as one has had a cancer tumor removed and the other has been unwell. If they become unwell again, I don’t have thousands for vet bills. I tried to see if the pet insurance would lower the payment with no success and it’s me that pays the insurance.

We haven’t been on holiday for four years due to not been able to afford it. When I was doing my training for my job, I never imagined I would develop physical health problems that mean I’m in constant pain , even with prescribed strong pain killers. I have thought about trying to do more hours at work ( that’s if there would be that option) but I’m in so much pain by the end of the working day dnd so tired that I wouldn’t manage.

So how would you get extra money to support yourself if you were single and didn’t have your husband supporting you and paying all the bills ?

You sound OP and sorry, but you sound very confused about everything in life. People cannot afford vet bills if they cannot afford to help their husband with money....and you are on disability....don't divorce because you will be worse off. Stay on the wagon

How on earth can people have seperate finances to people they are legally married to?

legally your money is all meshed

Once he takes some money out of the house equity, he will continue to do this. I think you already realise this.

You will both end up homeless or in council provided accomodation when retired.

I said paying for everything for the DCs, including furniture. I didn't say paying for everything full stop. But if we're doing 'why shouldn't', why shouldn't the husband pay towards his own children? Why did OP have to pay for it all?

The shortest answer is the woman had lower salary, the man had the house and she joined him, had kids, was home staying for years on end and he kept paying through his own salary and never put her on his bank account

To be fair this doesn’t really matter does it? All that’s meshed is whatever position you’re in at the time you divorce.

i could spend cash on all sorts for years then get divorced. The Money is spent; I’ve got my stuff, I’ve already taken it from the pot. Easy. Spouse had no say in it.

and when he dies before you, if he had bigger income but did not share it with you. You however still lived in complete freedom, fed and clothed from his bank account and went on holidays and he gave you spending money - there are plenty of marriages like this....just read the numerous thread about MIL or mums of adult kids discovering how much money there was in the husband's account. This is real and is happening to many families who never divorce - what is there to wonder as to why is happening

If you want Financial independence
don’t get married
simple

another person that can easily take you down with them

Op, have you seen a breakdown of the debt? Is it genuinely household expenses or does is there an addiction such as drugs or gambling?

Firstly,if this is repeat behaviour then money from remortgaging won't fix it. Please know that.

How much does he earn, relative to the debt? However if he unwilling to sit down with you then what choice do you have...put up or leave. I'm sorry awful situation and my advice would be for you to approach a debt charity and citizens advice to see how you can protect you and your children's interests.

It’s a very messy situation OP and it can only be fixed if you are both totally transparent about income and outgoings and that you get some debt advice together.

Based on what you’ve said, he’s done this 3 or 4 times now and even with this debt restructure, he wants to borrow more than he needs in order to ‘buy stuff’. He’s obviously got a problem with money and that won’t change by securing a loan against the house. As soon as that money is gone, he’ll be back wracking up debt on credit cards again.

I know this because I used to be this person in my 20s. I ended up £38k in debt and I was facing bankruptcy at 26 years old! I finally had to own up to my family - they didn’t give me the money but they loaned it to me interest free on the understanding that for the duration of the loan, if I borrowed any more in any way, they would immediately call in the loan. It was enough to spook me and for the next 5 years I learned how to live within my means. It changed everything for me. Without that kind of help, your husband won’t change.

Is he the father to your children?

I do feel a bit sorry for him as he is paying out the majority of money and is obviously struggling.
You’re all living beyond your means.

And taking a loan out to pay off credit card debt is usually a better option as it’s lower APR (not sure about doing it against the home though).

The biggest issue here though, is that he won’t talk about finances and won’t come up with a plan together.

I would not be with someone where I didn’t have equal knowledge and an equal say in everything, including finances.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum - either you both sit down, work out income and outgoings and make a plan… or you leave so that you can have a say over the finances in your on home.

What's the point of leaving? The have totally separate finances to the extent she's not even on the mortgage so they are pretty much just partners/room mates.

She said she is on disability benefits/low income and he has been covering the mortgage and sounds like the major expenses so how is she going to survive when she leaves?

Surprised no one has said she’ll get CM and SM yet!

It doesn’t sound like you are the sort of household that can afford to have pets

If he can't afford to pay the bills then how on earth is he meant to save?

He's not helping himself by not letting you get involved in the finances but he clearly can't afford your lifestyle on just his wage so increasing your income seems like the only option

My ex-husband was exactly like this. It was one of the two main reasons we split up.

OK - did you get a CCJ? How long ago was it and how much was it for?

With all of the times your husband has been in debt, he's never defaulted? He's always managed to pay it off with house equity or consolidations loans?

I truly find it extraordinary that he stood back and watched his newly disabled wife get into debt paying for essentials for his children and at no point suggested you both sit down and work out finances together or offer up suggestions for paying off the debt and actively refuse your requests to do so.

I can't even comprehend the thought of wanting to be with someone that selfish.

The first thing you absolutely need to do is get a copy of your own full credit report and check it very very carefully - his lack of transparency and concern is making my spider senses tingle! You need to check whether any of that debt he is in, which he is refusing to be transparent about, is in fact, in your name and you need to do so urgently!