Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

tried to contribute more, difficult when your husband keeps things from you

The keeping things from you is one thing, but you’ve repeatedly said you’ve tried to contribute more. How?

It’s not hard to transfer money into the bank account that the mortgage comes out of.

You do know people can have a poor credit rating and never have been in debt right?

Never having taken out credit, only having one bank account with low income which is emptied every month, no savings, not being on the electoral role, being linked to someone with high debt (which the OP will be through her marital status and address) can all lead someone who has never been in debt to have a poor credit rating

There does seem to be a bit of mixed messages here and we lack enough detail to make sensible comments on the debts.

The DH pays the mortgage and most household bills and in the past holidays etc but borrowed money to do so. He must have an ok credit rating as he got a mortgage.

Op pays minor bills, food shop, child bills clubs, clothes etc, the occasional carpet etc but has a poor credit rating

15k is not a massive debt but ball park what does the DH earn? If it's 30k pa 15k debt is a lot. If it's 50k less of an issue.

Ultimately you both need to get a handle in what your spending as a couple each month Vs what is coming In.

Your respective ages would be good to know too. If you are in your 50's you need to start thinking about saving for retirement and pensions etc.

As pp have said it sounds like as a couple that you may be living beyond your means

Are you that uninformed that you don't know that you don't have to have been in debt to have a poor credit rating?

I got into debt because I was trying to support two children, which included all clothes, presents, activities, more when they were younger. School trips, uniforms, petrol to get them to school. , pay towards the bills and shopping. Pay my own bills like car insurance, pet insurance, tv licence, petrol, car tax, pay as go mobile, my own clothes and footwear, presents for my husband. Stuff for the house,. Children’s furniture including beds, cots etc. a car that kept needing repairs all on disability benefits which wasn’t much. Also I was a stay at home parent as children got additional needs, my husband was able to do his job, work away, which if I had been working, he wouldn’t have been able to do as we had no one who could help us. School didn’t have breakfast or after school club. I was the one taking them to all their medical appointments, advocating for them, to the point I ended up really unwell mentally and off work. A job that I went back to uni for to retrain. I have only started my pension three years ago but it’s not full as I was off work on sick leave.

You need to sit down together and do some serious budgeting. Look at all the bank statements for the last 6 months, see what you have coming in and going out and work out what you can actually afford. I don’t understand married couples who keep their finances so separate, it should be a joint thing.
If he is serious about sorting out his debt and not going into debt again he should be happy to do this so you can both go forward knowing what your actual financial situation is.

Why have you got a poor credit rating OP? Something about this doesn’t stack up. You haven’t pointed to your DH doing anything wild to rack up debt. If you know he has form for this why are you agreeing to go on holidays he obviously can’t afford. Not saving across the year for Christmas is unlikely to end him up with debts you need to secure against the house.

Is your debt all paid off now? How was it paid off and did you default?

Being in debt, in and of itself, does not lead to a poor credit rating - defaulting on debt does!

Did your husband know about your debt? What did he say or suggest for tackling it?

You can sit him down and say this doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship but this has now happened again and you have no option but to financially protect yourself with divorce and then go and submit the application

I got into debt because I was trying to support two children, which included all clothes, presents, activities, more when they were younger. School trips, uniforms, petrol to get them to school. , pay towards the bills and shopping. Pay my own bills like car insurance, pet insurance, tv licence, petrol, car tax, pay as go mobile, my own clothes and footwear, presents for my husband. Stuff for the house,. Children’s furniture including beds, cots etc. a car that kept needing repairs all on disability benefits which wasn’t much.

So paying absolutely everything for the DCs, including furniture, while married to him.

And for al those insisting it's all OP's fault and DH is just struggling along accruing debt to provide for his family - did you miss the bit where he came into the marriage with £80,000 of debt, spent on himself????

His overspending is obviously a pattern of behaviour. He needs to budget and live within his means which it seems that he never has and at his stage of life never will. I'd suggest that you both get counselling and you actively participate. Which he's probably not going to like.

Have you checked your credit record @Lonely12 via Experian for example?

I ask, because if you were managing the debt and paid it off without missing payments or defaulting then your credit score should not be bad. In fact, managing debt improves credit scores - which is why one of the suggestions for someone who has a poor score due to previous debt is to get a credit card which they pay off every month to rebuild their rating.

If you haven't run a full credit report for yourself lately, you should - just to make sure it is correct. It is not unheard of for there to be errors made by lenders. It will also enable you to see if there are any debts in your name which you are not aware of.

Your H's secrecy around money would make me very suspicious, but I may just be cynical about that due to past experiences.

It is also worth getting your husbands credit report run - it will provide a clear picture of exactly where all of the debt is as the full reports (not just the score) show all information (bank accounts with overdrafts, credit cards, loans, HP agreements, mortgages etc)

Classic Mumsnet knee jerk reaction to leave/divirce… how pathetic honestly.

have a mature conversation with your husband about transparency and what he has spent on, then come up with a financial plan together to tackle the issue. Love how people always jump to gambling. I have debt, but I don’t gamble.

What? The window cleaner, the lightbulbs and paying the milkman?

no not paying for everything… not paying the mortgage… paying towards some bills….
why shouldn’t the lower earner pay towards general household living costs?

You need to get involved with the finances and you need to be contributing fairly. Everyone is giving the husband a hard time and saying that you should leave, but we don't know enough to say that. He pays the main bills - you pay for personal things for yourself - which you should do - and things for the children, but the main bills mortgage, utilities, etc are his responsibility. Perhaps he just doesn't have enough money to cover the bills, but unless you know how much he earns and how much the bills are, you will have no idea.

I can’t see how leaving him would improve your situation OP. You sound as bad as each other when it comes to responsibility with money tbh. At least your DH is providing a roof over your head.

OP you saying 'pay towards the bills and shopping' are you paying the food shop in full or is your husband regularly paying for the main supermarket shop while you pay for small top up shops?

You've listed a whole of stuff here like kids clothes, shoes, school trips etc but this stuff doesn't touch the sides compared to bills like the mortgage, council tax, energy and water etc that your husband pays. If your husband was also paying the main family supermarket shop (and no doubt costs for himself such as you have like car insurance, his own clothes, shoes and haircuts) then he's covering a hell of a lot more than you.

and I'm guessing you had stuff like the child benefit paid to you, along with the disability benefits for the children.

When you say he has run up cc debt and PayPal etc is this because he's putting food shops etc on the cc because he's short every month??
I'm not convinced this isn't 6 of one and half a dozen of the other

did you miss the bit where he came into the marriage with £80,000 of debt, spent on himself????

Tbf Op didn't post that until a while into the thread.

And she did at least know before she married him.

It's not as if any of this can be a surprise to her.

Well you do need to add stuff when it’s not a unanimous LTB and take him for all you can..

Those things don’t lead to a poor credit rating. They might lead to no credit rating- i.e. we can’t judge this persons ability to repay debt- but it won’t lead to a poor credit rating- which suggests their ability to repay is poor.

I don’t know why people are asking why she’s got a bad credit rating. It’s obvious and no need to make her tell you

Well £15,000 is much better than £80,000 - but honestly, why would you choose to marry someone in such significant debt in the first place?

So he wants an unsecured loan on your home. That will take ages to pay off.
Does he understand why the debt occurred in the first place ? Do you ?
Did you move into a property you cannot afford ?
Could you move to somewhere cheaper ?

I had to default in the end. He knows and didn’t suggest anything. I’ve asked him what would we have done if I hadn’t received disability benefits, what would I have done for money and he doesn’t have an answer.

I thought he wouldn’t do it again, he had been buying clothes etc, his mortgage payment was very low so I don’t understand why he got into so much debt. I think also I was vulnerable at the time, previous relationships had been abusive towards me. My mental health wasn’t great. I was a student in my 20s. He seemed kind and caring. We were friends for a year before we got together