Husband in debt again.

[Lonely12]

Hi I’m at a point where I don’t know whether to stay married to my husband. He has gotten into debt again. It’s been a repeated cycle through out our marriage.

our finances are separate, I have tried before to sit down and work out outgoings and incomings, but my husband said he would then back tracked. He pays the mortgage and bills. I used to give him some money towards the bill, not much, even when I was on disability benefits. I pay my own bills with my wage and stuff for our children.

he said he wouldn’t get in debt again and yet he has and now he wants to secure a loan against our house which will take 10 years to pay off, taking him into retirement. My name isn’t on the mortgage. He said that he will pay off the debts with the money and then he will have money spare each month to save and so we can do things. Currently can’t do anything as he has no money. I have offered to pay. Money has been spent on every day stuff and Xmas presents. I do buy most of the kids Xmas presents and all birthday, I also buy all their clothes.

This, exactly.

How much is the debt, @Lonely12 ? And has he given you an itemised breakdown of what it has been spent on? It seems madness if you have been accruing a pot of savings, while he has been getting into debt over day-to-day spending (unless it is frivolous spending, obviously).

edited to add: just read your updates.. the historic and ongoing issues with debt, the overspending on holidays and other stuff, and the unwillingness to share information about budgeting and finances would be a massive deal-breaker for me, so I honestly think I would seriously consider unhitching myself from such a partner - you have different attitudes to spending / saving / debt / financial transparency, so I would take all steps necessary as soon as possible to protect myself and my dc from this, and would separate.

Hard to say much without knowing incomings & outgoings.

He seems to bear most outgoings & Op seems to be a low earner.

He was 80k in debt before marriage but Op went ahead anyway.

I was thinking this too. He seems to be paying for almost everything large

I think the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself about what you want, because the action you take next will depend on that.

If you have had enough and don't want to risk losing your home, having bailiffs at the door or living later life hand to mouth then you leave - end of. The house will need to be sold and you will get some money (if there is any equity) to get yourself set up elsewhere.

If you still love him and want to stay together IF he will changes, then you need to lay it out to him but you need to decide what you will do if he refuses - are you prepared to leave him? If you threaten it you will need to mean it.

For example you could suggest that he agrees to this, otherwise you will leave:

You sit down together and look at all of your incomings and outgoings (including his debt) and see what it looks like. If you are confident enough you can probably work out what you need to do and seek help from online forums (debt-free wannabe on the MSE website is excellent for helping people figure out how to get out of debt).

If you are not confident enough, or the debt is so unworkable that you can't cover it with your incomings you will need to seek advice - but be aware, with a mortgage you cannot get a debt relief order. You may however be able to get an IVA which will protect your house - but these do have implications, so please make sure you seek independent advice first.

You need to suggest that he gives you joint control of the finances - a joint account for essential bills (including clothing, kids needs etc), joint savings accounts for things like christmas and holidays, so you can monitor and make sure that the essentials are being paid for.

If you are lucky enough to have enough left in the budget for some 'fun' money, that gets kept by you both separately but only after the bills are paid.

It is up to you whether all of your income goes into one pot and then leftover after bills separated into individual accounts, or whether you work out the amount and set up the standing order to transfer the right amount - personally I would suggest the former with set amounts of personal 'pocket money' with the rest going towards bills / household savings, so that any emergencies are covered.

I mean those really are token amounts. Your own phone bill and some bits and bobs here and there. It’s hardly anything

So have you also had problems with debt yourself then??

Quite. two mobile contracts plus the TV licence could be as little as £50 a month/£600 a year. TV licence is £15 a month fgs.

Worrying, isn’t it, like there’s been a normalisation of men paying fuck all toward the upbringing of their own children.

Yes, but he won't let her any where near the finances and presumably he hasn't asked her to contribute more and she's refused, so what else is she supposed to do?

Just hand over a load of money, not knowing whether it is the right amount or too much, only for him to rack up more debt and they end up getting evicted anyway?

She has said she will contribute more, but she absolutely shouldn't unless he gives her full sight and joint control of the household finances!

Children are not a small expense.

The OP has clarified that 'stuff for the children' is their mobile contracts. This could be £30 or £40 a month.

This and all the LEAVE!!! who do they think will pay for the ops lifestyle?
its as if the op by paying for what she want to pay and “contributing” to food bills is a hero!

If the OP is in a position to contribute more, where is that money going now?

I feel for you OP. My ex husband was/is crap with money. Was in debt when we met and I marred him anyway more fool me. If he had 2p in his pocket he had to spend it. I took on his debt when we bought a house. He borrowed 10k off my dad who never saw a penny of it. Got 10k off me in the divorce and 16k from the lottery. Few years later he'd blown it all and was in debt again. Your husband sounds like my ex. He won't change. Try to sort out your own finances and leave.

Why should she have to get asked to contribute? Why wouldn’t it be a given?
as ever an ops money is her money, the dhs money is everyone’s money…

Plus all of the children's clothes and expenses (possibly clubs etc), her car insurance, the groceries, birthday presents and christmas presents and big things for the house like carpets, flooring etc - and she earns less than him!

If I added up all of our expenses that fall into those categories, it would be around half of the mortgage and other household bills (and we have a largish mortgage). Before we moved it would have been about equal to our mortgage and household bills - so it ain't nothin'!

Surely you must know something? Earnings, bills etc? It's all very well pushing it all back on him and saying he hasn't told you etc, but as a full blown adult you have ways and means of finding these things out.

You can't feign ignorance, pay very little, and then judge and blame him for it.

This shows me that he's not learning. Why take more than he needs to?

Also, borrowing to go on holiday, no, really shouldn't be done. He doesn't earn enough to pay for the lifestyle he wants, bottom line.

If he is unwilling to let you sit down with him and try and sort it out, I don't know what to say. Leaving him is up to you but I don't think it's going to be an easy journey if you stay or go as he won't have the money to pay towards the children upbringing.

You need to get yourself on the land registry. Best of luck.

Because her won't let her have any sight of what the expenses are - so how does she know how much to contribute?

She absolutely should contribute - but not blindly!

Why is your credit score so poor?

YANBU to want to see the finances and yes him hiding them doesn't look good. Anything until you do is speculation. He could be gambling £100 a day or he could be overstretched and he and/or you need to earn more.

OP is equally crap with money. Did you miss the part where she couldn’t go on the mortgage because her credit rating wasn’t good enough?

I have other expenses as well, which aren’t listed

No no no, no deviation from the “its all his fault!…”

Choice expenses? Like choices of clothes.. mobile phone contracts…